Billy Clyde's Political Hot Tub Party

MOVIE REVIEW TOMORROW AT "NEW" SITE

2008-01-09T09:43:00.000-05:00

Why are you here?!

The action is at www.yougottaplayhurt.blogspot.com

ONE NATION UNDER THE GROOVE

2007-08-27T17:52:00.000-04:00

MEMORANDUM
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
SHRED AFTER READING

TO: KR

FROM: BC

DATE: August 27, 2007

RE: NAU Project
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First, congrats on your (as usual) great instincts. You predicted your resignation would be a three-day story, and it turned out to be even less than that!

I assured you that you wouldn’t hear from me while you enjoy your brief vacation and return to the WH to clean out the office. But I wanted to report a few quick items.

Your resignation and our on-going project to establish the North American Union have not been linked in any newspaper or television show to my knowledge. Once again, you were spot on. What little media attention it attracted will be blurred by AG’s resignation announcement this morning. Can’t wait for him to come on board to sort out some of the thornier legal problems that loom. (That hurricane in Mexico sure helped, too. TG reports that the Mexicans aren’t even aware of the North American Union. Canadians are hardly aware that they live in Canada. So it’s all systems go!)

The contractors informed me over the weekend that the temporary bunker in Ingram should be ready for move-in by the time you and Darby are back from Florida. Some concrete contractor in Gillespie County was doing some snooping around, but he’s been taken care of. Nobody knows nothing – just the way you planned it.

Best I can tell, Vicente’s girlfriend's desire for a high-rise condo in Austin has been nipped in the bud. EK found a wonderful spread for them in Comal County, and she seems pleased. If that changes, you may need POTUS to lay down the law. Vicente is a real key to making this deal work.

A sports reporter friend of mine checked on the NFL schedule and the college bowl dates for late December and early January. It looks like the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day will be best for minimal publicity. There’s a big amateur hockey tournament in Canada during that time. And, of course, the Mexicans will be cooking, sleeping and singing. Though I was a little skeptical at first, it seems that operation Hide The Ball Through Shock And Awe looks like a winner.

The only real problems seem to be crazy Web sites (which you can disconnect, right?) and some goofy French-speaking separatists in Canada. Our co-chairmen both have strong ties there and might be needed to put out any fires. WJC used to sleep with Miss Canada 1991, and JAB III has business ties there through Carlye, etc. This is not an immediate concern; just give it some thought and let me know how to proceed.

Everyone has signed off on the Lou Dobbs/Bill O’Reilly “car wreck” plan you proposed. On the weekend conference call, HRC suggested the "accident" is a good idea even if we weren’t planning to spring a new nation-state on the people! She has a great sense of humor and just might get elected. She also mentioned that your attacks on her on the Sunday new show were just what she needed. FT joked with her that he might not even get into the race if they get Geraldo in the car, too.

In summation, if things keep going this smoothly, we could have a new North American nation in place by February. No need to respond to this note. Enjoy your family time.

POLITICAL INCEST: TEXAS STYLE

2007-07-16T13:33:00.000-04:00

Billy Clyde is resigned to the fact that for the first time since the invention of the indoor flush commode, no Texan will be on either party’s ticket during next year’s presidential election. That’s a great loss – a tragedy, really – for our great country.

Yet a story in the clips today reminded me that Texans still hold great sway in our nation’s capital. So we shouldn’t be in a total funk. It also spurred me to play a little game of connect-the-dots – kinda a Texas political version of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, or whatever it's called.

The story reported that Tarrant County’s Pete Geren got himself confirmed by the U.S. Senate on Friday to be Secretary of the Army. Despite the title, it’s not really a secretarial gig. He gets to be top civilian dog over the whole Army. It’s not as big a deal as being Deputy Secretary of Defense, the job former Governor Bill Clements held. Clements, you’ll recall, beat former Secretary of State, Attorney General and Supreme Court Chief Justice John Luke Hill, who unfortunately passed away just last week.

Anyway, Pete Geren served as a Democratic Congressperson from Fort Worth for a while. He succeeded House Speaker Jim Wright, if memory serves. Pete had run for Congress in another district but lost to Representative Joe Barton, who’s still in Congress.

Geren gave up his Capitol Hill job and was replaced by Fort Worth Mayor Kay Granger, who’s also still in Congress. Her first chief of staff was Ken Mehlman, who previously had been legislative director for Congressman Lamar Smith, a former Bexar County Commissioner and short-term member of our Texas House of Representatives. Smith replaced Congressman Tom Loeffler, who gave up his seat to run against Bill Clements and Kent Hance, who beat George W. Bush for a Congressional seat in 1978 or so.

Anyway, Mehlman went on to become Republican National Chairman after serving in former Texas Governor and current President George Bush’s White House. He now works for a Texas-based law firm – one of whose founders is Texan Robert Strauss, who used to be Democratic National Chairman.

President Bush – the present one, not his daddy, who was also President and appointed Mr. Strauss Ambassador to Russia – tapped Mehlman for top GOP position. Mehlman replaced Ed Gillespie, whose wife runs Congressman Barton’s political operation. If you’re being alert, you’ll remember that Barton is the guy who newly minted Army Secretary Geren first ran against.

On a personal note, I should mention that Billy Clyde’s then roommate – who periodically comments on this blog under the name Shake Tiller – was Geren’s press secretary during that campaign against Barton. I stayed in Austin and worked part-time for then Texas GOP executive director John Weaver, who’s from some little town out in West Texas. You may have heard about Weaver during the past week or so. He was the longtime chief strategist for non-Texan John McCain and bolted – along with a lot of other McCainiacs.

If this post is confusing to read, just think how confusing was to write. Any mistakes are mine and should not be blamed on the vacationing Ross Ramsey.

But this I know is 100 percent factual: Pete Geren is a smart, funny, hard-working Texan. And while BC doesn’t really know what a Secretary of the Army does, he’s confident that Secretary Geren will do it very, very well.

I'VE BEEN TO RENO CHICAGO FARGO MINNESOTA BUFFALO TORONTO WINSLOW SARASOTA

2007-06-24T10:46:00.001-04:00

There are some (ignorant) people who think Billy Clyde is not big on traveling. Well, tell that to hospitality professionals stretching from Port Aransas to New Mexico to Colorado ... and be prepared to feel silly. BC has a valid passport and has frequented the continents of Mexico and Canada many, many times.

In fact, Billy Clyde would be heading for Old Mexico this very day were it not for the fact that he forgot, until Friday, all about Lara’s 40th Birthday Party bash on Isla Mujeres. If I get my mind highly focused after breakfast, it’s possible I could make plans and leave later today or tomorrow.

But BC is no Governor Rick Perry. That dude wouldn’t touch Quintana Roo with a 10-foot pole. He likes to go to odd places far, far away. His call, of course. Actually, I think he deserves to go anywhere he wants. No skin off my butt, and after all, the man is Governor. But look at his choices over the past few months.

United Arab Emirates. Can’t really say much about that place. Supposedly has an indoor ski slope and no one there ever has to work.

Qatar. The Aggies have established something called TAMUQ there. They probably invited Perry over so he wouldn’t veto their special item funding.

Constantinople. This was probably a good trip. From what I’ve heard, it was sorta like a meet-up of the Tri-Lateral Commission and the Masons. Lots of big-time business, academic and government heavyweights from across the globe meeting to lay the framework for one-world governance. This may surprise some of Billy Clyde’s friends, but BC thinks one-world rule is probably a good thing.

First, the U.S. would more than likely dominate the deal. Ergo, Texas would have disproportionate influence over the domination – and rightfully so. I know about the black helicopter conspiracy theorist out there, but come on! What’s wrong with Texas ruling the world? Show Billy Clyde voting aye. And a big shout-out to you, Governor Perry, for helping to make it happen.

Israel. This is actually a place I would like to see, and our Chief Executive is there right now. He’s getting a big honor for loving the Jewish State. If in fact the Governor has been a gigantic supporter of Israel ... well, good going Guv. Me too. I’m totally on board. And give Bibi my best if you see him.

Jordan. After the Governor receives his big honor, he’s taking his lovely wife – our First Lady – on a sight-seeing trip to Jordan. Can’t say that I’ve ever thought of Jordan as a big tourist destination, but what do I know. Sounds better than touring vineyards in Syria or playing golf in Iran. To each their own – that’s my motto.

I guess the deal that’s strange to me is: why these places? Turkey? Qatar? Is the South of France closed? Did someone drain Venice? Check out rural Quebec. It’s great this time of year.

Our leader caught a lot of heat for going to The Bahamas a few years ago. That criticism was totally unwarranted. (Though the thought of Mike Morrissey sunning and scuba diving on the sunny white beaches is one that I REALLY want out of my head.) Billy Clyde has been to The Bahamas, and the place rocks. Jordan? Not so much.

To be fair, Governor White – who led our troops (Texas Guard) into battle in Central America – bought that fancy Mitsubishi jet and traveled a ton. Clements sold it, because his own King Air B200 was plenty good to get him to his hot spots – Forney and his New Mexico ranch. Governor Richards mainly went to domestic, rather pedestrian places like L.A., New York and the District of Columbia. Governor Bush occasionally went to his family’s compound (man, don’t you wish you had a “family compound”!) in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Billy Clyde has been to Maine. It’s nice.

Governor Perry should feel free to globetrot all he wants, to anywhere he wants. But if wants my advice – which I feel rather certain that he doesn’t – he might sneak in a trip to Brownwood, Brenham and Bonham. Or maybe Forney.

IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES. IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES.

2007-06-14T22:50:00.000-04:00

Since the early 70s, Texas Monthly has compiled a list of The Best and The Worst Legislators. It’s obviously subjective. Billy Clyde usually agrees with about 70 percent of its picks.

The latest list was released today, apparently to great fanfare. If I understand correctly, TM had a breakfast taco party this morning for T.J. Shroat and Ross Ramsey and let the cat out of the bag. My facts may be slightly off.

Patti Kilday, the brilliant former DT-H reporter who now compiles the Best/Worst List for Texas Monthly, did her predictable excellent job with the list. Full-time bridge player and baseball game watcher Paul Burka, however, still insists on being involved – so there are some flaws. My main beef is the spot news feel of the list. Where is the historical perspective? Billy Clyde can’t provide a true historical perspective, but can offer up a list of The Five Best and Five Worst that I Know Of Legislators, to wit:

BEST

Byron Tunnell, Smith County. The country gentleman with the white tie birthed the modern Parks and Wildlife Department and became Speaker. Law partner Bob Bullock and Tunnell took an East Texas hokey-tonk as a fee in a legal matter (bad idea). Both agreed not to take cash out of the till or play aroundwith the help. On first night under “new management,” Tunnell cleaned out the register and Bullock screwed the waitress.

Robert E. “Bob” Johnson, Dallas County. Had to run at-large in Dallas County in the pre-single-member days. Came out strongly against taxes and integration. Despite a strong “state rights” (wink, nod) position and public declaration of Republicans as “northern liberal sissies,” won huge following of black and GOP officials across the state.

Bill Moore, Brazos County. Personified expression “It’s better to be feared than loved.” Fostered the state’s oil and gas economy by taking to the Senate floor and demanding better tax treatment for his oil wells. Understood the changing demographics of the state and advocated for better treatment of senior citizens – particularly those living in his nursing homes. Was probably too hard on Babe Schwartz, but it made good theater.

O.H. “Ike” Harris, Dallas County. Assumed his older brother’s nickname of “Ike” when running for SMU Student President during a period when SMU campus liked Ike. Parlayed that into 40-year political career in House and Senate, only briefly interrupted after a certain president got assassinated and Dallas had a quick pang of White Guilt. Once passed legalized gambling, interstate banking, and branch banking in one special session – while providing critical support for budget and tax fix. Just brilliant. When he wanted to be.

Wade Spillman, Hidalgo County. Forget the “WWJD” bumper sticker. Jesus was before my time. But using the “What Would Wade Spillman Do” approach will surely get you into Heaven. No one could break down complex matters of public policy into simple right/wrong terms like Mr. Spillman. Even if it were just lunch or a brief conversation in the hallways ... you always felt like you learned something and came away a better human after visiting with Wade Spillman. WWJD? Give us more Wade Spillmans.

Craig Washington, Harris County. The votes have been counted, the outcome assured. But wait! Craig Washington wishes to speak. He speaks so well that people on the floor actually change their votes because of his power of persuasion. Lots of people think that he wasted his enormous talent. That may be true. But when focused and determined and on a mission ... like watching Superman and MLK, Jr. on steroids.

WORST

Glenn Kothmann, Bexar County. Billy Clyde is pretty good at figuring out people. Yet Glenn Kothmann eluded him. What is he doing and why is he here? He refused to speak on the Senate floor during his 15 or 20 years there. Had a socially liberal, business conservative record but for some reason was most proud of his 100-percent voting record with the Farm Bureau – while representing downtown San Antonio. Billy Clyde personally saw him introduce himself to Bill Hobby at a reception – like his Lieutenant Governor and presiding officer was a complete stranger. His toupee and fake teeth didn’t make him a ladies man, as he found out when he hit on a well-known (and hot and young) lesbian one evening on the Senate floor. Weird.

Mike Martin, Smith County. BC would have totally forgot about this dude except he ran for some obscure Western Travis County city council seat a month or so ago. Besides being a horrible lawmaker, he based his re-election campaign on a sympathy factor by having his brother shoot him and blaming it on Satanic Cults. Then he hid out in his armoire, the cops found him, he fled to Australia ... you get the point. Strange.

Jan McKenna, Tarrant County. Let me sum it up this way: Kent Grusendorf beat her in a GOP primary because conservatives in Arlington were embarrassed that Rep. McKenna was such a right-winger. Regardless of how you feel about the abortion issue (Billy Clyde doesn’t care one way or the other), McKenna could find a fetus in every bill. Length of hunting seasons. School lunch. Private sector maintenance of highways. Tuition revenue bonds for a new science building at Stephen F. Austin University. ABORTION BILLS ALL!! The bitch was really crazy.

Ben Barnes, Comanche County. This is a tough one. The man is a worker, his bullshit is superb ... but let’s face it. He went from being a pimply faced door-to-door vacuum salesman to Speaker to Lieutenant Governor to almost Governor and then President while no one was really minding the store. And all before the age of 35. He’s the Paris Hilton of state government. Great at garnering attention and seeming important. But like whipped cream, of no nutrional value. Walking away from his enormous debts while John Connally took it like a man provides the greatest contrast between a statesman and opportunist. Would you do business with him?

El Paso (Special Award). You can’t really expect the rest of the state to treat you with the respect you think you deserve when you send us cross-carrying AIDS victims, hot check artists, imprisoned bribe takers, Tati Santiesban (he was one of the CLEANER ones), ineffectual iconoclastic loons, ineffectual housewives, ineffectual criminals, ineffectual drug dealers, ineffectual biker chicks ... The other 253 counties will start taking you seriously when you start taking yourself seriously. Seriously. Pat Haggerty and Joe Pickett are really good. And y’all want to beat them?

(Editors Note: Billy Clyde is in a secure undisclosed location that lacks cell service. Attempts to reach him shall be treated as crimes against the state.)

SENATOR BENTSEN SHOWS GUTS; DENOUNCES PARIS HILTON

2007-06-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

Common sense simply dictates that Billy Clyde has a lot of really important insight to share as Texans anxiously enter the final week for the Governor to sign/veto/file without signature those 1,400 or so bills that await his action.

Well .. nah. Not so much.

So I’m gonna delve into the apparently one and only area about which Americans give two hoots and a holler – yes, Ms. Paris Hilton. But it will be from an historic, analytic point of view based on the one subject in the whole world that BC has exhaustive expertise: The Tribulations and Trials Of Mr. Orenthal James Simpson.

First, a little background.

It was June of 1994. Life was good. BC spent most of his days writing position papers and news releases and getting yelled at on behalf of the Lieutenant Governor Bob Bullock Re-Election Campaign. Sure, Mr. Bullock could be a tad, uh, mercurial from time to time. But the man had a great heart and really wanted to do right. Plus, the folks in the office – Tony, Steve, Susan, Stephen, Chuck, Lissa, Liza, DeDe, Barbara, et al – were simply joys to be around. Quality with a Big Q.

Of course, having an opponent who could not even properly drool helped. Having millions of dollars to our opponent’s hundreds also made life pleasant. And the consultants – Matthew, Mark, Jack, and David – didn’t come around enough to mess things up.

Well, in the middle of all this perfectness, I found myself taking off one afternoon to give a speech in San Antonio on a totally different matter. BC finished and started the trek north on your I-35 Interstate road. Every single radio station was carrying the same story: O.J. Simpson (they thought) was engaged in a slow-speed pursuit by the LAPD, LA County Sheriff’s Department, the Highway Patrol, the FBI, the CIA, the NSC, and for all I know, ODB and NWA.

So I punched it. Must get to Austin immediately. Back to campaign headquarters. Where we had just spent an obscene sum on a GIANT big screen teevee that we needed to watch the Tonya Harding wedding night sex tape (true story).

Can’t really put my finger on what makes a 20-mile-per-hour chase of a White Bronco that may or may not contain a former Heisman Trophy winner who may have kilt his former wife and her favorite waiter so interesting ... but hey, you watched it, too. About five o’clock, one of the gals in the office reminded me that she had set up a blind date for me that evening and perhaps I should go home and meet her there when she arrived in a hour or two. Thank God for good staff work.

But when I got home, I couldn’t get out of my suit or take a shower or fix a drink or go to the bathroom ... because the chase was on. About 7, the girl (we’ll call her Cassie, cuz that’s her name) showed up and we exchanged pleasantries and she noticed that I had the O.J. Show on and wanted to watch and I said “by all mean” and she was as interested in it as me. A women after my own heart. After the Bronco arrived at Rockingham and the drama got hot there, I sheepishly asked: “Do you want to just order in?” She responded: “I wanted to suggest that, but I figured you’d think I was weird. Hell yeah let’s order in!”

From that bizarre day when seemingly normal people were transfixed on a surreal truck chase to the end of the trial two years later ... the O.J. Simpson trial changed and shaped my life in strange ways. Consider:

*On Easter Sunday 1998, I spent the morning not in church praising the resurrection of my personal savior the Son of God. Nope. Me and Rebecca and Jim Pease were in the fashionable Brentwood area of west L.A. at the Rockingham address taking pictures (I’m looking for them). We also took pictures of me standing on the sidewalk of the Bundy location – just feet from where the actual (alleged) murders took place.

*I took the day off – and encouraged others to join me – twice during that long trial. Man, am I ever prescient. The first was the day when F. Lee Bailey got Mark Furman to admit that he was a liar. The second was the day when Marcia Clark and Chris Darden let The Juice try on the glove (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit”). I also skipped a lovely Paggi House lunch to go home and catch up on Court TV the EXACT DAY when Dr. Henry Lee proclaimed: “Something not right. Very very wrong.”

*The day the verdict came down, I was on a golf trip with an unnamed lobbyist (Joey Bennett) at the Waterwood Resort in Polk County. As you’ll recall, the jury informed the court the day before that it had reached a verdict. Judge Lance Ito, however, was not willing to let go. He said the verdict would be announced at ten a.m. (noon Texas time, unless you live in El Paso) and so we played golf that morning until about 9:45, at which point we put the cart in high gear and got back to the cabana. NOT GUILTY! HIGH FIVE! NOT GUILTY! HIGH FIVE! Then we played another 27 or so holes of golf. Frankly, it was kind of a letdown. Over. Done. Finished. The End of an Era. Although I’m still more than a little intrigued how the golf course maintenance workers – way out on the 6th hole in the middle of nowhere – knew the verdict so quickly.

Billy Clyde is a big fan of the City of Angels. But let’s get real. If the fine folks in Los Angeles are willing to flood the streets for a glimpse of a no-talent skank who’s in the hoosegow for having a suspend driver’s license – then the memory and sanctity of the O.J. Trial and its greatness is besmirched, if not completed ruined. People, let’s keep our L.A. star crime scandals dignified. Please.

If I may be so bold as to paraphrase former Hidalgo County Judge Lloyd Bentsen Jr.: “Paris, I knew O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson was a friend of mine. Ma’am, you’re no O.J. Simpson!”

PLEASE PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH; PLEASE TWO FOR SPANISH; PLEASE PRESS THREE TO BITCH-SLAP TOM TANCREDO

2007-06-06T01:50:00.000-04:00

Man, Billy Clyde really hopes he dozed off and dreamt most of this stuff.

If not, I’m gonna run a Google search (gratuitous tech wizard reference) to find the nearest Army Recruiting Center and volunteer right this very minute. I’ve even packed BC’s favorite GI Joe sleeping bag in case the joint is closed so he can be first in line tomorrow when it opens.

See, I had the DVR machine (hip tech reference #2) tape these presidential debates on the Wolf Blitzer Show and just now watched ‘em ... and they scare me. Real bad.

If this is the best the good ‘ol USofA has to offer, Tom Tancredo can have his stinking country. Billy Clyde’s going to Mesopotamia, where life is sweet.

BC’s original plan was to not give a rat’s behind about the presidential race for another 12 years, when the Bush Twins become eligible to run, win, and lead. You know, when people finally have a candidate (or a ticket, perhaps?) that fills us as a nation with hope, imagination, and a common sense of national pride.

You didn’t hear this from me ... but word on the street is The Twins are already perfecting a new combination dance/drinking game called “Push The Button.” They’ve been practicing, on a purely minor, experimental basis, out in Area 52. The pyrotechnics, according to Jenna, “sorta looks like those clouds they made in that old timey war granddad went to, but tons bigger and in color.”

Unfortunately, Billy Clyde will miss the fun. He’s throwing himself on the first improvised exploding device before he even checks into the Iraqi Army hotel. Or maybe it’s more like a hut or hooch or barrack or canopy or pup tent. Anyway, guess that’s the fun part of traveling and seeing new places. BC doesn’t like to brag ... but continual, lifelong learning is what keeps this brain razor sharp.

Let’s get back to these debates, if it’s okay with you soon-to-be-deported fellow Americans.

QUICK SUMMARY OF DEMOCRATIC DEBATES

GEORGE McGOVERN LIVES! (BUT IN A BIG-SPENDING ULTRA-PACIFIST WAY)
OUTLAW CARS AND ELECTRICITY!
REFORM HEALTHCARE! KILL ALL DOCTORS AND BABIES!

QUICK SUMMARY OF REPUBLICAN DEBATE

GO HOME, MEXICANS!
AND TAKE THE ENGLISH, SCOTS, IRISH, SPANIARDS, WEST AFRICANS, GERMANS, POLES, AND AUSTRIA-HUNGARIANS WITH YOU!
JESUS IS MY RUNNING MATE! (BECAUSE HE ONLY SPEAKS ENGLISH)

Billy Clyde follows this stuff super-crazy close. If you can’t keep up with all the jargon and insider baseball (BALL FOUR!) scholarly analysis, please don’t feel like you’ve come down with a nasty strain of TB and get on a plane. Your friend and buddy will walk you through it, candidate by candidate.

Hillary Clinton: If you don’t know who she is, you have typed in an incorrect World Wide Web computer Internet Protocol unique number (smug super-duper tech reference #3).
PLUS: Tied for fourth (with Huckabee) for best hair.
ANTI: Can’t win; people don’t like her; Chelsea – or Amy Carter – more electable.

Barack Obama: The giant crowds and enthusiast support he generated early on by this State (maybe U.S.?) Senator have dissipated now that people know that Barack and Borat are totally different people.
PRO: Great speaker, youthful good looks, upbeat message appeals to the large segment of Americans looking for new style of leadership in Washington.
CON: Frontrunner. Still not Borat.

John “John” Edwards: After six years serving in the Senate as a Southern moderate with impressive foreign affairs ideas and even running four years ago on the national ticket, he’s suddenly let a bunch of hacks remake him into some me-too soulless peacenik.
PRO: Tied for first (with Romney) for best hair; unbelievably monstrous home in the woods.
CON: Thinks North America and South America are “two countries.” Rural roots, but not a real Walton family member.

The Field: Richardson just in it for the political groupie tail; Biden has hair plugs; Dodd is shorter than Gary Coleman; Kucinich wants to return to his home planet; and Mike Gravel is almost out of miles and down to his last three round-trip tickets to Alaska

Rudolph Giuliani: The People’s Mayor was Mr 9/11. But he’s also been Miss 9/11. Americans haven’t voted for a President whose name ends in a vowel in its history (no, I didn’t look it up). McKinley and Kennedy’s name ends in “y” – not a legitimate part of the vowel family.
PRO: Will say what he thinks and sounds good and all take-charge authoritative-like when he says it. Frontrunner.
CON: Comes from the New York wing of the GOP that used to blast TDR and Nelson Rockefeller and other crazy right-wingers who couldn’t get elected dogcatcher in Texas when the state was all D.

Mitt “Mitt” Romney: On paper, he should have been the perfect candidate – brilliant resume, great speaker, smart, rich, Olympic savior with great hair. But apparently he uses the same political consultants as John Edwards. Dude, you don’t have to sprint to the right; your competition if Rudy Giuliani!
PRO: Political dynastic credentials of Hillary; fresh face appeal of Obama; (used to) lack the inherent controversy of Giuliani; not a flaky geezer like McCain.
CON: Seems like Mormons cannot physically feel pain from daily self-inflicted wounds.

John McCain: He’s a bona fide war hero and skilled pure legislator who will speak the unvarnished truth roughly 85 percent of the time. But America is kinda tired of his unvarnished truth. When Paris Hilton says “you’re overexposed” and “wearing thin” ...
PRO: Probably would do a pretty good job and would try real hard.
CON: Uh, sir? That’s your cue. Exit stage right. No! Your other right!

The Field: Huckabee has the Hope, Arkansas problem; Jim “Gary” Gilmore can’t make people believe he’s held a bunch of top political jobs for 20 years; Thompson spent 30 years declaring for President and he’s too late; Tancredo actually forcibly said (not a joke) that the USA is most definitely not a nation of immigrants; Hunter is just running to delay his entry into prison.

Ron Paul bothers Billy Clyde the most – because BC STILL can’t get that awful 1984 U.S. Senate radio ad out of his head (Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All Ron Paul Best Of All). UGGGHH! STOP!

If that ad infects your mind the way it has mine – well, by all means join me on my little trip. My sources say the government picks up the whole tab. And you will be a long, long way from Tom Tancredo.

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T LEAVE?

2007-05-28T14:21:00.003-04:00

Like most warm-blooded patriotic Texans with an interest in state government, your man on the scene Billy Clyde has been stalking the doors of the Legislative Reference Library hoping that someone will come to work and GIVE ME A DAMN COPY OF YESTERDAY’S HOUSE JOURNAL.

Sorry for yelling. That was rude. My bad.

I did get a glimpse of the draft journal this morning when I went by to say howdy to the House’s newest parliamentary staff – the Honorable Jerry Yost and the Honorable Drew Nixon. This new high-powered team took over from Spiro Agnew – who turns out to be dead – and Mike Martin, who suffered yet another self-inflicted gunshot wound and is temporarily unavailable.

The following passage intrigued me:

“Mr. Dunnam of McClennan: Mr. Speaker?

“Mr. Turner of Harris (not Bob Turner from Voss), in the chair: For what purpose?

“Mr. Dunnan: Parliamentary inquiry.

“Mr. Turner: You’re not recognized. In fact, I can’t even see you. There’s just a giant vacantness in the area from which you supposedly speak, if in fact you exist. Is someone playing a boom box down at the back mic?

“Mr. Dunnam: That isn’t funny. We’re talking about democracy here. About the ability of our constituents to have a voice in the government.

“Mr. Turner: Will the Sergeants please turn off the boom box.”

Then that guy who took Arvis Jones’ seat – Haggerty, I think – sought recognition, according to the journal.

“Mr. Haggerty of El Paso: Mr. Speaker.

“Mr. Gattis, in the chair: For what purpose, Mr. Haggerty. And don’t think for a minute that this constitutes recognition.

“Mr. Haggerty: I can name all 150 House members. Want to hear me do it?”

“Mr. Gattis: Sit down right this very minute, Mr. Haggerty, or my old boss, John Bradley, will throw you in our secret Williamson County Tuff On Crime Jail and have mentally ill sadistic inmates gang rape you for the rest of your soon-to-be-short life.”

“Mr. Haggerty: What?

“Mr. Gattis: You are NOT recognized for a question!”

Then Representative Eiland tried to tear into the new Parliamentarians, Mr. Yost and Mr. Nixon, by bringing up totally unfounded ethics complaints.

“Mr. Eiland: Mr. Speaker.

“Mr. Geiswiedt in the chair: For what purpose?

“Mr. Eiland: I object to the two new parliamentarians. They both have outstanding Ethics Commission fines. Mr. Yost owes $100 from his ill-advised race against Senator Ratliff,. Mr. Nixon owes $200 for using his Officeholder Account to secure prostitutes on South Congress.

“Mr. Geiswiedt: The jury has reached a verdict. You die!

After a long conference down front, Governor Perry pardons Representative Eiland, sparing his life and allowing House proceedings to continue. Mr. Yost and Mr. Nixon are dumped and suddenly replaced by former Representatives Sam Hudson and Keith Valuigera.

In a strange turn of events, no one agrees to take the chair so Jim Dunnan’s eight-year-old daughter – who’s up there anyway and doesn’t have much to do – takes the gavel. She turns out to be the best House Speaker since Jimmy Turman in 1961.

The budget bill and the water bill and the electric bill all pass unanimously. Tommy Merritt is elected Governor For a Day. Leo Berman adopts a truckload of Mexican immigrants, then resigns to take the ACLU job. Linda Harper-Brown struts across the House floor in a string bikini and looks good. Lon Burnam declares the Bill Of Rights a “liberal piece of Communist shit.” Dick Weekly denounces tort reform and leads a march over to the TTLA building for a fajita party.

It’s in the journal.

YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITA!

2007-05-27T12:32:00.000-04:00

CONFIDENTIAL
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
SHRED AFTER READING

TO: The Dew

FROM: BC

DATE: May 27, 2007

RE: Getting Back In The Game
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were totally correct in your tearful analysis last night. The lame attempt to put the spotlight back on the Senate (where it rightfully belongs) by having a cuss-fight on the floor and staging a week-long Senatorial death watch were, in hindsight, fairly pathetic.

(That being said, it should be noted – under the Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery Doctrine – that the House arranged a televised cuss-fight on its floor several days ago and a couple of House members are feeling pretty puny. What a bunch of copy cats!)

After careful reflection, I strongly urge you to abandon your plan to have Senators strip you of all powers and beat you silly with a riding crop in front of a large contingent of ethnically balanced schoolchildren. The visual would no doubt be powerful, but it could convey the message that you are not a “strong leader” or “in command,” two characteristics that your polling shows are important to the voters.

Here are a few ideas I encourage you to consider:

*Ninja Stars – Expertly throw a ninja star at any Senator who dares to seek recognition. This would be MUCH more dramatic that the Speaker’s decision to simply ignore House members. (NOTE: Spend some time practicing your ninja star throwing skills down at Pease Park this morning. This could backfire on you if your aim is less than true.)

*Keel & Wilson – Hire Terry Keel and Ron Wilson to be your pimps. Shed your Wonder Bread image and go totally West Coast Gangster Rap. Never say anything that doesn’t rhyme. (Why do you rise. Up into the skies? We don’t need your lies. Do that baby cries?)

*Marry Lindsay Lohan – Though she may be a little old for you ... have Lindsay make a cameo on the Senate floor this afternoon and marry her on the spot. This moves you beyond the City-State section and gets you into the cool parts of the newspapers and magazines. Also Entertainment Tonight (aka: the REAL news).

*Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em – Invite Pitts, McCall, Keffer, et al onto the Senate floor and recognize the hell out of them Let ‘em move this and that and talk all they want. Then we’ll see which chamber is getting the most attention!

*Film Fest – Old Austin hippies have been packing the House gallery in recent days, generating yet more unwarranted attention on that heathen legislative body. Turn off the lights in the Senate, provide free beer, and hold screenings of Dazed and Confused, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Five Easy Pieces. It will be like the House doesn’t even exist.

*Slip & Slide – Why is there a huge aisle in the middle of the Senate chamber? Seems like wasted space. Install a giant slip and slide and let’s have some summer fun.

*Accent – Immediately start speaking in an heavy, exaggerated cockney British accent. Announce that you are no longer the Lieutenant Governor of Texas; you are the Minister of Silly Walks. Stop reading “the following message from the Governor” and instead say, “little Chippy sent us another love letter.”

These are the only proposals that have been successfully polled and vetted through our standard focus group process. Your idea to assassinate John Sharp has proved to be wildly unpopular with test audiences and should be shelved for the time being. Also, please don’t do anything cruel to puppies; it’s a real non-starter, politically.

I look forward to your feedback. The ninja stars will be on the dais no later than 1:00 p.m.

THIS IS VERY UNFUNNY

2007-05-26T11:18:00.000-04:00

Wow!

I got up this morning and fetched the newspaper from the front yard. At the very top of the front page was a story that accurately reflected what I thought was just a bad dream. Either the Austin American-Statesman is playing a nasty psycho-terrorist mind game on Billy Clyde, or else your Texas House of Representatives has devolved into a state of utter dysfunction.

In any event, not exactly a win-win deal.

BC is one of those fellows who knows a very little bit about a whole lot. Not an expert in anything, really. But fairly conversant about a buncha stuff – most of it, frankly, pretty useless.

But BC was schooled in parliamentary procedure by none other than Robert E. (Big Daddy, Bevo) Johnson. It’s not a cliche to say he wrote the rules, because, uh, he actually wrote the rules.

For reasons that still elude me, Bob Johnson probably spent more time with me during the last five to seven years of his life than he did with his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his peers, etc. Looking back, it was kinda strange. I was 30 years his junior, not really in his class intellectually or professionally ... but he not only let me hang around, he actually seemed to want me around. Go figure.

Louis B pointed out something to me one day that should have been self evident were I more observant, to wit: Big Daddy would sit in his office playing computer solitaire for hours on end and never saying a word or interacting with us in any way; yet when we tried to leave, he would be offended. “Don’t run off mad,” he would say, whatever that meant. I think what it meant that he enjoyed our company; as goofy as it sounds, I take pride in knowing that Big Daddy enjoyed my company.

The point of this rambling nonsense is that (1) the House would not find itself in this situation if Big Daddy were still around; and (2) while Billy Clyde is generally a dumbass, he knows a little something about the House rules (so I got that going for me).

We can argue all day till we’re blue in the face about whether the Speaker’s absolute right of recognition supercedes any privilege contained in the underlying motion the seeker of recognition wishes to offer. Blah blah blah.

The real question is this: Just because, technically, you can do something or other, does that inherently make it right?

No.

Billy Clyde is one of the few dudes around the Capitol these days who will freely say that he thinks Tom Craddick is a really good guy. He’s contributed a lot to the state and his community and is worthy of any and all accolades we can throw his way. Speaker Craddick is the sort of guy you ALWAYS want on your team.

But this battle isn’t about Tom Craddick. It’s about the House, as an institution and as a symbol of the people’s voice in state government. Far be it to me to suggest what path the Speaker should take – he was elected to the House before I entered first grade, for crying out loud – but Billy Clyde believes that mapping out an exit strategy or dignified departure (whether executed or not) only makes good sense.

We all do that kind of stuff every day. I don’t want to die, but I have life insurance.

Here’s the handwriting on the wall, as BC sees it. The Speaker’s floor leaders are people like Jodie Laubenberg, Bill Zedler, Linda Harper-Brown, Larry Taylor, Leo Burnam and Geanie Morrison. The opposing team has Brian McCall, Jim Keffer, Robert Talton, Jim Dunnam, Jim Pitts, Mike Krusse, Charlie Geren, Pete Gallego, Marc Veasey, Pat Haggerty, Senfronia Thompson, Todd Smith, Craig Eiland, Edmund Kuempel, Patrick Rose ... well, you get the point. Not a fair fight.

If there’s going to be a change in leadership this weekend, let’s not make it a zero-sum game. Spirit beats spite every time. When the end result is the same, what glory is there in rubbing someone’s nose in the rubbish?

There is no good reason to end a brilliant career in public service by throwing Speaker Craddick out on his ear in a painful fit of revenge and hate.

By the same token, there is no good reason – and this pains me to say – for Tom Craddick to stay in office.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ...

2007-05-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

Someone with lots of time on his/her hands wrote this. I don't understand it at all. But some folks think it's funny, and it allows Billy Clyde to once again post without thinking.

SESSION! The Musical

Rough Outline:

Act One

1. A Quorum is Present (Opening Day)

2. Freshman Blues (Where is My Office and How Do I Get a Key?)

3. Workin' Monday Through Wednesday (Let's Adjourn for Four Days)

4. I'm Glad You Won a Softball Game (The Resolutions Song)

5. She's 18, Right? (That Sergeant With the Ponytail)

6. Committee Assignment Montage

7. Lovin' the Lobbyists 'Til the Lobbyists Leave You

8. "Riders" on the Storm (The Appropriations Song)

9. Layin' It All Out (My First Bill in Committee)

10. Can I Get A Witness?

11. Calendar's Calypso

12. Major State (Welcome to the Floor)

13. Workin' Monday Through Wednesday (Reprise)

Intermission for Easter

Act Two

1. The Floor (Clerk Will Ring The Bell)

2. Who Works on Friday?

3. I Miss The Sun

4. L&C Is Just Alright With Me

5. It's Just a Simple Bill

6. A-C-L-U Spells Trouble

7. Point Of Order (Where Do We Go Now?)

8. Committing to Recommit

9. Everyone Needs a Companion (Will You Sponsor My Bill?)

10. Time Stands Still (Members, We're Waiting On An Amendment)

11. 10 Angry Men (See You at the Conference Table)

12. Sine Die, Sine Da, Life Goes On

13. Workin' January Through May of Every Odd-Numbered Year (Finale Reprise of "Monday Through Wednesday")

BILL CLYDE IS A FLAMING PLAGIARIST AND DAMN PROUD OF IT

2007-05-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

My childhood friend, Tom Sawyer, taught me how to get neighborhood kids to do chores for you through trickery, flattery and reverse psychology. I didn't really understand these concepts, but you can bet your sweet ass that I never painted a fence.

Anyway, I figured I'd use this skill to post something this afternoon without having to have an original thought. Some House aide wrote this parody, and it was passed on to me today by a fellow who, because he works for a non-profit association representing elected officials, wishes to remain nameless (Shannon Edmonds). Enjoy.

Yet another Real Men of Genius Parody:

Today we salute you, Mr. Member Who Does a Resolution For Everything Guy.

Singer: Mr. Member Who Does a Resolution For Everything Guy!

Someone from your district saved a cat in a tree, had their 300th birthday, tied their shoe, or pooped on the toilet for the first time by themselves.

Singer: “I’m a big-boy now!”

Was a stop-light finally fixed at your county-seat’s only intersection? Well, by GOD I’d like to add all members' names.

Choir Singers: “Please suspend the rules.”

You only authored 7 bills this session, none of which received a hearing, but you DID pass a resolution honoring every member of your Lion’s Club Bowling League.

Singer: “Steeerike!”

You probably won’t be back next session, which means the resolutions department will have to lay-off 15 full-time equivalent employees. But let the record reflect: your constituent’s chili recipe is now the OFFICIAL chili recipe of Texas, Mr. Member Who Does a Resolution For Everything Guy.

Singer: Mr. Member Who Does a Resolution For Everything Guy.

By real world standards ... not that funny. Compared to the coal bill and the water bill and the cancer bill and the radiation bill ... full belly-laugh hilarious.

HILLARY CONFESSES TO OPRAH; BC AIN'T BUYING IT

2007-05-20T16:59:00.000-04:00

Yeah yeah yeah.

Billy Clyde knows he promised to post something over the weekend. But I'm just too excited about tonight's meeting of the House Committee on Calendars. Plus he's making pot roast.

Give me a day or so and maybe I'll try (unlikely). In the meantime, you may find this national political story interesting.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ushi8-dRlvg

P.S. We should be seeing a LOCO AND DISSENT Calendar any day. Feel free to leave your suggestion in the comments section and BC will pass it on.

PIG EAR SENDS UP AN AMENDMENT, SILK PURSE MOVES TO TABLE

2007-05-05T18:55:00.000-04:00

Blame it on Bill Clyde being a hypersensitive New Millennium kind of feller, I guess. But he detects that there’s been entirely too much personal intra-chamber bickering in your Texas House this whole dadgum session.

I had me one of my world-renowned deep-thinkin’ spells this morning while in line at the dry cleaners (absent an abnormally high number of spilled food or exploding Diet Coke accidents, I now have plenty of shirts to carry me through to sine die). The BC noggin was racing with innovative ideas to bring more respectful behavior to House proceedings.

Some proposals Billy Clyde took off the table because they were simply not practical at this late date. For example, House rules could permit each non-chairman to pick two committees on which to serve as Chairman of the Day. A very inclusive idea, based loosely on the Pastor of the Day and Doctor of the Day (a.k.a. known as my roving primary care physician) programs that have served Texans so well for so long. Again, a little late for this go-round. But this reform initiative just screams "Interim Study Committee."

The only really solid, meaningful idea I came up with that could easily be put into place this session and actually make a difference is so simple yet makes so much sense that Billy Clyde can’t believe that it hasn’t been around as long as the institution itself.

Mandatory Nicknames.

Here’s kind my rough-draft thinking on the deal:

1) Every member would fill out a confidential Nickname Preference Card. In cases in which two or more members select the same nickname, the Speaker’s office shall immediately notify the members, who can negotiate amongst themselves. If the members cannot reach an accommodation, the member with the most Willie Nelson albums (tapes and CDs not permitted to avoid cheating) wins and that person’s chosen nickname will be placed on the Nickname Confirmation List. A new Nickname Preference Card(c) shall immediately be given to the loser(s).

2) The Chief Clerk or, in the event the Chief Clerk is a poor typist, the Chief Clerk’s designee, shall compile the Nickname Confirmation List and affix a very official-looking House stamp on the list and Xerox one hundred and fifty (150) copies and place the list in each member’s box. Upon delivery to the members’ boxes, the Speaker shall announce to the House, if in session, or immediately upon all members registering on the next calendar day, the following: “Members, listen up now. The Nickname Confirmation Lists are in your boxes.”

3) Nickname Confirmation Lists would have to lay out for 12 hours after the announcement. Except we all know that members (not to mention Billy Clyde) won’t be able to wait that long, so this rule is just automatically suspended. No motion necessary. The Nickname Confirmation List shall immediately be placed on the Emergency of Epic Proportion Calendar and take precedence over any and all other matters before the House.

4) Before proceeding to action on the Nickname Confirmation List, the House shall observe a three-minute, uh, whatever the opposite of “moment of silence” is. During this period, members may sing, make funny noises, bark, yell “YOU THE MAN!,” or otherwise express themselves in accordance with Section 8 of the Texas Constitution’s Bill of Rights. On motion of the Chair or any one member, time may be extended an additional three minutes – then the games must begin.

5) The House would proceed to the Nickname Confirmation List. The Speaker shall recognize members for motions to sever by stating, “Hey, y’all be quiet, and bring your motions to sever down front.”

6) A member who moves to sever shall be given two minutes to explain the reasons for the motion, For example: “I move to sever on the grounds that he didn’t give this any thought whatsoever, it lacks the slightest hint of imagination, and the literary reference upon which the nickname is based is so obscure as to render the nickname meaningless.”

4) A member whose nickname is challenged has 20 seconds to move to table the motion or to leave the nickname to the Will Of The House. If a majority of members present and voting decides to sever or reject a nickname, the Chair shall accept substitute nicknames from the floor from the first five members who hustle down front.

5) Certain nicknames shall be prohibited. “Daniel” cannot be “Dan” or “Michael” be “Mike” or “Osama” be “Sam” or ... well, you get the idea. Also, members with pre-existing well-established nicknames (Charles “Doc” Anderson” or O.H. “Ike” Harris) must choose a new nickname for purposes of conducting legislative business.

6) Once the final Nickname Confirmation List is finalized and approved by the House, the following terms may not be used for the duration of the session: Mr. Speaker or Speaker XYZ; Mr. Chairman or Chairman XYZ; Representative or Representative XYZ; or any variety of Mister, Missus, Ms, or anything remotely close. Remember, nicknames only.

Imagine, if you will, the comity and sense of goodwill created by dialogue like:

“Mudcat.”

“Snoopy, for what purpose?”

“Will Rerun yield for a question?”

“Rerun, do you yield?

“I do.”

“Rerun yields, Snoopy.”

“Thank you, Mudcat.
Rerun, is this the same proposal that Uncle Duke, Jailbreak, and Spanky brought before Agent 99's committee earlier this session?”

“No, Snoopy, this applies to the valuation of rolling stock statewide and was unanimously reported from Peach Fuzz’s panel. It covers every county.”

“Thanks Rerun. You have a good amendment.”

“Rerun sends up an amendment, King Tut moves to table.
Homeys, vote aye, vote no. It’s a record vote. Disco can ring the beeeeell, ring the bell.”

Billy Clyde would eat this up faster than Tadpole polishes off Wavy Gravy’s homemade chicken fried steaks.

IF I WEREN'T ALREADY LIVING ON MARS I'D TAKE A VACATION

2007-05-02T17:48:00.000-04:00

Folks with normally good sense for some reason (let’s hope it can be blamed on deskmates) voted for House Bill 489 today. Billy Clyde finds it difficult to believe that people like Robby Cook, Todd Smith and John Smithee knowingly voted for Leo Burman’s silly-ass traffic bill, which actually passed on second reading yesterday cuz no one was paying attention before dying today.

When I told some folks about this vote in the cafeteria this afternoon, they didn’t believe me at first. Fortunately, I had my laptop and we looked it up, and they examined my hard evidence – actually TLS’s hard evidence – and said, “Damn!”

Here’s a list of House members whose deskmates misvoted them:

Allen, Alma(D); Anderson®; Berman®; Callegari®; Christian®; Cohen(D); Cook, Robby(D); Corte®; Crabb®; Crownover®; Darby®; Delisi®; Driver®; Eissler®; Farias(D); Garcia(D); Goolsby®; Hartnett®; Herrero(D); Hilderbran(R); Jackson, Jim®; Jones, Delwin®; King, Phil®; King, Susan®; Latham®; Leibowitz(D); Macias(R); Miller(R); Parker(R); Riddle(R); Smith, Todd(R); Smithee(R); Solomons(R); Swinford(R); Vaught(D); West, Buddy®; Woolley®; Zedler®

Representative Yvonne Gonzalez Toureilles, who is smart and fairly hot, and Representative Harold V. Dutton Jr, who is kinda smart but is definitely not hot, offered up a third reading amendment to exempt kids, senior citizens, and crazy people. (Not A Joke. See http://www.telicon.com/www/tx/topnav1.htm). But that mitigating amendment was not enough to get Leo 40 votes on final passage (he garnered 38). This bill had Century Club written all over it.

Can someone please explain to me why (1) this bill found its way on the General State Calendar during the beginning of crunch time and (2) people think Representative Berman is a conservative when all he wants to do in the Legislature is have the government regulate and monitor and nanny regular ordinary citizens?

As a very, very conservative right-wing rural red-neck, about the only House member who makes sense to me these days is Donna Howard, an Austin progressive. But please don’t take that out on Representative Howard. (Editors Note: Donna Howard and Charlie Howard are NOT married.) We live in a Capitol World in which Kip Averitt and Steve Ogden are considered big liberals, so go figure. I can’t.

The bill itself was not that important and was unlikely to affect you. But just the notion of setting up all this new Big Brother BS seems peculiar to me. The Republicans gained a majority in the House and Senate. So last week, on the exact same day, the House legalized marijuana and the Senate, not to be outdone, passed a free needle exchange bill for intravenous drug users. If thought about properly, Billy Clyde – true conservative that he is – could probably agree to a drug legalization deal. But never would he imagine that Jerry Madden and Bob Deuell would be leading the charge.

BC has about three more weeks in his lobby career. So be nice. This system has gotten so convoluted that I have a major brain ache.

WHEN ONE VOTE MATTERS ... OR THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST

2007-04-28T18:32:00.000-04:00

There's a famous quote, coined by a famous person, that says: Half of life is just showing up.

If I had a copy of Bartlett’s Famous Quotations, the handy reference guide compiled by former Dallas Congressman and Mayor Steve Bartlett (the only person, to my knowledge, to ever beat – at least in a political race – Kay Bailey Hutchison) I would look it up and give you the name of that famous person who uttered that famous quote. But Billy Clyde would like to see his warm and cuddly readers do their own independent research now and then.

Anyway, your House of Representatives got into dangerous territory yesterday afternoon. Phil King has been trying to bring Troy Fraser’s electric bill to the floor for almost a month now. And Robert Talton keeps having it sent back to committee. People following that bill have the kind of whiplashed neck you get after watching a grueling five-set match at Wimbledon.

Talton raised a few more points of order, and the chair said “no mas.” So debate proceeded and so did the members. Proceeded back to their districts, that is. En masse. Gotta beat that nasty Friday traffic.

So debate ensued for a while, amendments were offered, and Billy Clyde learned something he never knew – but should have. Pine trees are HUGE emitters of NOx. This wasn’t just thrown out as a theory. The green lib types and the dirty air advocates and everyone in between all agreed. Having grown up in a pine forest, I better get one of those medical lung test things.

(Parenthetically – thus the reason for the parenthesis – if Al Gore starts trying to cut down the pine trees in East Texas, I will kick.his.ass.)

But that’s not the point. Some amendment (BC was just waiting around for announcements) was offered and debated and voted on and the vote was 86-11. Burt Solomons wanted to prove that his tenure as Financial Institutions chairman has made him really good at math. So he went to the back mic and pointed out that 86 + 11 = less than a quorum. Billy Clyde quickly pulled out a pen and pad and did the math his very ownself. And damn if Burt wasn’t spot on.

So everything shut down while they verified the presence of a quorum. Lots of people got excused on account of important business in the district, and some others showed up on the floor, and apparently the math up on the dais got real complicated, but in the end it turned out exactly a hunert members were present and verified.

Man, talk about cutting it close.

With a big ol’ stack of amendments still on the Speaker’s desk, King of Parker decided that, as far he was concerned, they were all susceptible to Arthur, whoever he is. That, obviously, was smart on Chairman King’s part. Although that little devious devil in my head was hoping that the Sargent would be asked to shut all the doors and lock down the House. For some reason, Billy Clyde always gets a kick out of it when a bunch of grown men and women in high elected office are, in effect, put in a sorta lawmaker jail.

The last time I recall that happening was a few years ago when those Democratic House members bolted to, of all places, Ardmore, Oklahoma, to break a quorum. The members who showed up at the Capitol got locked down in the House Correctional Facility, while the guys on the lam got to big dawg it in a life of freedom and luxury at the Ardmore Holiday Inn.

On the Monday when that happened, a few hours went by with nothing happening and the folks on the floor wanted to go to their offices or to lunch or do a little sight-seeing or whatever. So the leadership decides to parole them from the Chamber and gives them what amounts to a hall pass. It was a basically a red strip of paper that looked like a long movie ticket with words on it. Something like: “Representative Octavious Rothschild “Scooter” Clampett IV may roam the halls or eat lunch or do other stuff – long as he comes back when told.”

Old timers say that calling a lack of a quorum – usually just because gin rummy games or perhaps more nefarious endeavors were forcing members to be, uh, temporarily unavailable – used to be fairly common.

A lot of the old timers were at the Capitol on Thursday for Speaker’s Reunion Day. Were Billy Clyde’s clairvoyant powers working properly, he would have asked a few of them about their favorite lockdown/escape stories. And inquired about legislator hall passes in the good old days.

I MOVE TO REDUCE THE GENTLEMAN'S TIME

2007-04-23T20:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry about being so irregular here. Billy Clyde ran out of Internet Metamusil.

Gotta be brief, but ...

**Can someone explain to me why H.B. 218, the first voter identification up today (we’re on Amendment 30 after about six hours of debate, with no end in sight) is important? Every freshman and sophomore at UT has gone to the flee market on U.S. 290 and got ‘em a fake ID. If someone really, really wants to vote, why wouldn’t they do the same?

BC’s proposed election law reform: mandatory voter competency test. In a society in which Jackass was No. 1 at the box office and some people think Borat was a real documentary and Who Wants To Marry A Dancing Millionaire Apprentice or some such nonsense gets higher ratings than Friday Night Lights ... well, you see where I’m heading.

**It’s been a full week since the House conferees on the general appropriations act (H.B. 1) were appointed. But still no Senate conferees. Throw darts at the wall, have a Twister contest, use the rock-scissors-paper method – whatever works. But for the love of God, don’t drag us bystanders into a special session. This plain old regular session is wicked enough.

P.S. The delay has nothing to do with the Lieutenant Governor tying the appointment of conferees to action on that Jessica’s Law bill. Billy Clyde knows this as an iron-clad fact because he read in the clips this weekend that Governor Dewhurst said so.

**Speaking of that Jessica’s Law deal, has anyone else heard about a filibuster tomorrow on that issue? I know that Senators exerting special privileges like voting “no” on a bill or filibustering is frowned on these days. But the bill will be eligible tomorrow, so it’s possible.

**The Sunset Review process is a freakin’ joke. The safety net bill places no pressure whatsoever on members to pass a Sunset legislation. Witness the TABC bill today (it failed last session, too). Senator Montford called the Sunset system “pet food for lobbyists,” so I would normally be a big booster. But even lobbyists don’t get much out of it anymore.

Sheryl Crow (great musician and former Lance Armstrong flame) just came out for toilet paper restrictions as an environmental protection measure. Eliminating Sunset would save WAY more paper and would have other, uh, benefits not offered by her one-square per crap idea.

**After Calendars tonight sets a schedule for the rest of this week, we’re down to about 10 legislative days left for House bills in the House. To quote felonious cook and decorator Martha Stewart, “That’s a good thing.”

Folks and folkettes, I gotta move the previous question. And again, Billy Clyde is taking positive steps to be more regular with you nice people.

HELP! I'M WHITE AND I CAN'T GET DOWN

2007-04-15T13:50:00.000-04:00

This will be brief. But it needs to be said. And it’s kind of substantive, which makes this post a rarity on BCPHTP.com.

Representative Diane White Delisi had a criminal justice-related bill on the floor this week that failed. A bunch of racial minority members got up and explained, best I can tell, that the 5th Ward in Houston is not exactly like Belton when it comes to law enforcement practices.

Now most of you who know Billy Clyde personally also know that he is white. And most of you also know he is a self-loathing white dude. Not that I have anything against white people; many, if not most, are very good people. I just prefer hanging out with black folks, all things considered.

I’d never really met a Hispanic person until 1984, but they seem cool, too. An Iranian guy moved to Walker County in 1979 when his family fled Persia after the overthrow of the Shah, and I not only welcomed him into our community and school, I personally arranged for him to learn English and become Freshman Class President. One of my ocassional good deeds geared toward trying to get me to Heaven.

Reverse racism is a term BC has never liked. For one, if a honkie or two gets discriminated against, big whooping deal. We’re a long way from being London or Paris, two cities that, in a goofy act of political correctness, have handed over their metropolises to outsiders. That ain’t happening here.

But when African-American and Hispanic lawmakers went to the back mic to describe racial injustices that had personally faced in dealing with uniformed police officers, I started thinking about how that is a two-way street. Please allow me to explain.

Representative Harold V. Dutton, Jr., was one of the guys who fought the bill and tried to shed light on the practical dangers of unchecked police power. Interestedly enough, Billy Clyde’s first experience with racial profiling came when he drove to Houston to attend Representative Dutton’s dad’s funeral.

Dutton is not only Black, he’s Catholic. Apparently there are a lot of Black Catholics in Houston, because the church (maybe it’s called Temple or something in Catholic parlance) was giant. But not big enough for BC to readily find it.

Now I was born in Houston. Go there all the time and think I know my way around. But damn, there’s a whole section of the city I didn’t know existed. And that section included Harold’s church, where I was trying to get to.

So one of Houston’s finest pulled me over in a residential area and asked for license and insurance. Okay. Then he asked me to get out of the truck. Okay. Then he asked me a series of random questions that seemed totally unrelated to any traffic violation. In a very respectful, polite voice, I asked something along the lines of “what’s going on here.”

This made the police officer very, very angry. He threatened to take me to jail. Yet he hadn’t even suggested I had committed a traffic infraction, much less a jailable offense.

We visited for a few more minutes, and he got to the bottom line: What are you doing in this neighborhood, and who is your crack dealer? Believe it or not, I have never done crack. And I was in the neighborhood because I was going to a church for a funeral.

Imagine waking up in the morning to go pay respects to one of your best friend’s dad – a well-respected letter carrier and civic figure – and almost getting thrown in the pokie because some half-wit cracker cop thinks you must be a criminal if you’re driving around in a certain area of town. Damn BTW, I didn’t get a ticket or warning and, it turns out, had not violated any motoring statute. It was just HPD policy.

That shit ain’t right.

Now let’s go down to South Texas, where there are not real Interstates or Highways or Freeways and the speed limit changes every 50 yards. Some dimwit police officer in, if I recall correctly, San Diego (a little town in either Jim Wells or Duval counties) pulled me over and gave me a pretty rough going-over for something like doing 47 mph in a 45 mph zone. He came up with some cockamanie deal about my Vehicle Identification Number not matching the number on my insurance card and slapped the cuffs on me.

Then he made a huge-ass mistake. He said I could give him $75 or could go to jail. The passenger in my truck – my girlfriend at the time – was a no-nonsense prosecutor who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. While I was being manhandled, she was on the phone to her boss, who immediately called the local D.A., who called the cop shop, which patched through a call to the officer who was harassing me, and was told to stop acting the fool. So I was free to go.

But in both those cases, Billy Clyde could have, at least temporarily, lost his freedom because some power-hungry local yokel didn’t like the way I looked. Which is white.

So remember, this is a two-way street. Sylvester Turner may have a run-in with the law when he jogs through River Oaks. But BC can have the same sorta run-in when he’s two miles to the east.

Texas will be a majority-minority state within a decade. Us honkies ought to start thinking about basic civil rights.

UPDATE 1: Miss M delivered a powerful story in the comments section. I have obtained a copy of her traffic stop photo. And yes, powerful Capitol lobbyist Miss M and Hollywood starlet Anne Archer are the same person.

MY MACHINE MALFUNCTIONED; I INTENDED TO VOTE "AYE" ON THE MOTION TO ADJOURN

2007-04-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

Some decisions are going to have to be made in the next few weeks. They will be important decisions. Like lunch. BBQ or fajitas? Turkey sandwiches or ham? Makes you glad you don’t have to be the decider.

Billy Clyde has made one decision. In this, his final legislative session, he will devote roughly 99 percent of his time to killing stuff. If for some reason one of the few bills he wants passed makes it through, well great. But there’s so much nasty stuff out there – a House member filed a bill yesterday, which is nearing Day 100, that is simply atrocious – that I gotta turn a perfectly good noun into a bastardized verb and (I can’t believe I’m writing this) prioritize.

Before I delve into specifics (or specificize), it’s incumbent on me (the Nixon Administration made up that totally meaningless phrase) to expound (worst.word.ever.) on the colloquy (fancy word for talk or visit or debate or discussion) that went on in the rarefied (don’t even know that word purports to mean; used to be used a lot more) air of the Senate this week.

It’s not unusual for freshman legislators to arrive at the Capitol convinced that the whole state government system is bloated and corrupt and run by lazy idiots. A former Farm Bureau lobbyist, who shall remain nameless (David Marwitz), once told me that a group of his members was certain that lawmakers, lobbyists and staff got together for breakfast every morning at the Driskell to figure out amusing ways to screw up state government. Like it was a big inside joke or something.

For the record, we only do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

The big gossip item of the week was the Whitmire/Patrick showdown on the Senate floor. Personally, I think the John T. Montford slapdown of freshman Senator Jane Nelson on the exact same subject was much more brutal. Interestingly enough, she’s now the person who directs welfare and poor-people health-stuff programs.

BC is a relative newcomer to the Capitol. But in that short tenure, he’s watched the biennial state budget grow from about $20 billion to what looks like will be roughly $160 billion. Those figures are admittedly misleading, but they are factually correct. If I were a Realtor in Floydada who learned that the State of Texas now spends more than the nation of Spain .. well, I’d have me a healthy dose of skepticism.

Even more interesting than Jane Nelson being the Medicaid/Welfare guru is that Warren Caesium now runs the House Committee on Appropriations. When Representative Chisum first came to the House, he was REALLY conservative (and a Democrat). The man stood at the back mic and butt-paddled everyone who came to the front mic. Urban liberals like Pete Laney and Tom Craddick have taken him under their wings, and now he’s the voice of moderation in the House. Simply amazing.

Let’s get back on track. The first end-of-session rule takes effect on Monday. Senators will no longer be restricted to placing just three bills on the Senate Notice of Intent; they can turn in five. Not that it matters, since Senators are rarely recognized to lay out a bill. But it’s nice to know in case Governor Dewhurst comes down with bipolar disorder and decides to pass a hundred or so bills like Mr. Bullock did a few sessions ago. Do y’all remember that night? It was wild. Sibley and Montford complained, and the presiding office, being all statesmanlike and everything, called them, and I quote, “crybabies.”

The next big deadline will be the weekend after next, when Calendars has to decide on a final list of bills to put before the People’s Chamber. Let me just say this: Whether you love her or hate her (I luv her; she can come off as hard-edged but in fact she has a heart of gold), be nice to Nancy for the next coupla weeks. Trust me.

Two weeks later is the drop-dead date for Senate bills. Then it will be just concurrence votes (which under a strange new rule requires an analysis by the Chief Clerk’s Office??) and adopting conference reports. In a strange sorta way, it makes you long for the 72-hour rule that served our state so well for so long.

So if you’re in the leadership in the House, you face this question: do we try to accomplish as much minor stuff as possible and reserve a few days for major deals? Or do we just hope that luck is on our side?

In the Senate, members there will have to decide: Should we take that gavel away from the tall guy and let Brimer or Whitmire ram a ton of stuff through. Or should we go to dinner?

Billy Clyde freely acknowledges that he doesn’t know the answer to these perplexing parliamentary questions. But, assuming it doesn’t force a special session, dinner sounds like an excellent choice.

DRAFTING COMMITTEE SUBS WHILE THINKING ABOUT GOOD TIME CHARLIE AND THE CHUPACABRA

2007-04-10T00:02:00.000-04:00

Mark it down. Monday, April 9, 2007. The single most productive day that Billy Clyde has experienced all month.

Three summaries, four bill analyses, two sets of talking points, and, get this – an entire, 13 page committee substitute that the client actually likes. Not a single person yelled at me all day. And I’m so far ahead I can actually engage in a full day of people lobbying tomorrow.

Life = Good.

A few things I’d like to share, if BC may be so bold.

NUMBER 1: Now that Easter is behind us, we can look forward to Christmas, the next great Christian holiday. Some people look forward to that day as a time of reflection, a time to praise our Father for blessing Earth with his one and only Son. Youngsters eagerly await the arrival of Santa Claus. Others just appreciate the time away from work.

All that is fine and dandy. But for Billy Clyde, Christmas 2007 will be like no other. It is, I have it on good authority (Charlie Schnabel) that December 25th will be the opening day of Charlie Wilson’s War, perhaps the most anticipated feature film since talkies were invented.

The book is just fantastic. Please, I implore you, read it before you see the film. BC acknowledges he was a tad bummed upon hearing that the film version was gonna be directed by Mike Nichols and Charlie Wilson was gonna be played by Tom Hanks. They’re both outstanding, but it didn’t seem like a snug fit.

But as a worldwide leader in the anti-pessimism movement, I decided to look on the bright side. Hanks has actually been very good in almost everything he’s done, Nichols is one of our better directors, and Julia Roberts is pretty damn good, too. Plus that Phillip Seymour guy, or whatever his name is, has a starring role, and he seems to be a hot property these day.

Anyway, I ran into Mr. Schnabel down in E.1 last week and asked him who was playing him in the movie. (In case anyone doesn’t know, Schabel was Secretary of the Senate when Mr. Wilson served in that body and served as his Congressional chief of staff for, if I’m not mistaken, a very long time.)

Schnabel said his character got bumped from the film because the Hollywood big-shots – get this – thought the audience would prefer a Hollywood starlet with big hair and even bigger breasts. Though, in all fairness, as Schnabel gets up there in age these days, he’s developing a pretty decent rack himself. Whatever.

More – much more than you would ever care to know – will be written about this upcoming cinematic extravaganza in the coming months. But in the unlikely event you care, here are a few reasons, in exact order, why Billy Clyde is so excited:

** Charlie Wilson was my very own state Senator and Congressman for most of my life.

** He only dated beauty pageant winners and Playmates 30 years his junior.

** He personally ended the Cold War and forced the collapse of the Soviet Union. That took a big “to-do” list item off the table for all of us.

** He pretended to be a womanizing drunk while secretly running a war out of his Congressional office in a God-forsaken place and actually won. People thought he was either delusional or just playing the Big Dawg, but he really was conducting a war and NOBODY REALLY CAUGHT ON.

** He was an early and vocal supporter of civil rights and East Texas timber interests.

Read the book and look forward to the film, cuz we gotta move on to ...

NUMBER 2: The spiritual Godfather of this blog (he, in turn, would probably call me his problem bastard child) posted an interesting piece day about, of all things, the mysterious El Cucuy. Guess being a major committee chairman and key cog in the House leadership doesn’t take ALL your time.

I know about El Cucuy because, in my freshman year at UT, I had a roommate from McAllen, a dude who seemed to never sleep (or go to parties, or date, or play basketball, or watch the teevee; he studied electrical engineering and I was in the Liberal Arts college, so we sorta had different priorities) and he blamed it on El Cucuy. It became a running joke after he explained to me about all things El Cucuy related.

Hadn’t thought much about El Cucuy until a few months ago, when I was reading a novel by Ben Rehder – the absolute greatest Austin novelist you probably haven’t heard of, but should. He writes the best books about Hill Country game wardens, drunken poachers, high fences, deer hunting, political intrigue and hot babes. His last book centered around the Chupacabra, which is sorta the critter version of El Cucuy.

My uncle used to tell me stories about the Chupacabra when Bill Clyde was knee high to a Shetland pony. BC never really believed those stories. Nevertheless, he was careful when alone in the woods. Who knows?

In any event, if El Cucuy and the Chapacabra are making comebacks, then society is heading in the right direction.

Oh, and Mr. Chairman blogger dude: since you’re on that special TYC committee that meets all the time, how about this for a fix. Tell the kids to behave, else El Cucuy will GET you. And tell the sadistic guards and administrators to shape up, lest a whole pack of Chupacabras will lunge at your throats.

Something to think about, plus this ...

NUMBER LAST-O:

Billy Clyde tries to serve his friends and neighbors via this Web Internet site blog page. Can y’all do me a little favor?

I gotta go do a deal at UT later this week with a pretty little edgy blonde chick who has opinions and actually knows something about blogging, and an old overweight guy who knows a ton about state government. Best I can tell, I’m supposed to be the designated dumbass.

So if you have any material or clever one-liners – hell, whatever you got would be appreciated -- please send it my way. It’ll count as your obligatory good deed of the week. If it’s really amusing, I’ll just read it and that will fulfill my part of the show.

Thanks dudes.

READ 6,000 BILLS AND CAN'T FIGURE OUT THE PLOT

2007-04-06T15:02:00.000-04:00

Billy Clyde batted .500 this week – all things considered, not too shabby.

Many in the chattering class, people who have no idea what really went on behind the scenes, have seen fit to criticize the way me and the Blair Witch Man got the soldiers out of Iran. Well next time, you and Jimmy Carter can try to secure the release of hostages held by Persian madmen and we can just compare results. It ain’t as easy as you think. BC chalks it up as a huge win.

The loss was really more of a draw. In my 20 years at the Capitol, never have I seen so many people work so hard to accomplish so little. Not that the status quo is bad, mind you. It’s just that if nothing is gonna happen, can we at least go fishing or get some sleep or bail Billy Joe Shaver out of jail or ... well, do SOMETHING worthwhile.

If you’re like BC – and if you’re not, you should try it – there is nothing you dig more than really worthless trivia. I don’t really like the word “trivia;” I prefer “fun facts.”

When the House Clerk closed up shop yesterday, House members had filed 4090 bills, 500 more than last session. Senators, judicious souls that they are, have filed a mere 2012 – still 100-plus more than last session.

Three have made it to the Governor, who has signed two (bet his wrist is sore).

If you generously assume that about 25 real calendar days remain in the session, that’s about 36,000 minutes to work on these bills – if you work 24 hours for all of those 25 days and never eat or take a bathroom break or have a committee hearing or recognize folks in the gallery or mull over a point of order or hear a single resolution of any sort.

If each of these bills were to take just three minutes of floor time, that is close to 38,000 minutes. This, of course, assumes that the bill analyses, fiscal notes, substitutes, revised bill analyses, revised fiscal notes, various impact statements, etc. have already been prepared. It also assumes we live in Nebraska under a unicameral legislative system – so go ahead and double that 38,000 figure.

If Representative Talton, for example, finds a sustainable point of order on, say 10 more “big” bills that get debated for three hours before they head back to committee to restart the journey and return to the floor, that’s about three 24-hour days right there.

Remember, this is not to be taken too literally (no way the House and Senate will drop the pledge or allegiance of the doctor of the day or ignore the folks in for Maverick County Day). These are fun facts. Billy Clyde simply wanted to illustrate where this session is heading.

Here’s the part where Billy Clyde stops rambling and his loyal fans get excited because they know it’s time for THE POINT. Which is, this process has became unmanageable.

Dealing with this kind of ridiculous amount of paper in the current system just won’t work. The Legislature somehow managed to send to the Governor almost 1,400 bills two years ago, and that was not a pretty sight. But instead of stepping back and remembering that the system is designed to kill, not pass, legislation, the Legislature – and, to be fair, the lobby – responded by increasing the paper flow by 10 percent.

Best I can tell, it’s not really anyone’s fault. But the really smart people need to get together during the interim and visit about ways to refine the process. Otherwise, the necessary but routine stuff along with the must-pass big-picture stuff will all start failing in droves. And people, special sessions are not our friends.

The worst solution I could envision would be a full-time Legislature or annual sessions. That defeats the purpose of our Constitutional framework. Long ago, House rules forced members to prioritize their bills (Billy Clyde knows this for a fact because he thinks he vaguely remembers some old-timer telling him about it). That’s a bad idea, too, because, let’s face it, not all members are created equal.

It seems like the simple solution – and if there is anything Billy Clyde excels in, it’s being a simpleton – would be a more deliberative committee process. Let the committee members take their time to really understand and vet bills and gain real substantive knowledge in their jurisdiction. Increase staff and staff pay so they, too, have the time and resources to become experts in the field instead of being experts in drafting clean committee reports.

Under this system, the average House member would have a comfort level that the substantive committee looked at the issue and reached a consensus, Calendars set it, so the presumption is that it must be good. Plus a lot of these 6,102 bill that have been filed this session would make excellent committee amendments if folks just had some time to think.

In the meantime ... tick tock tick tock tick tock.

MR. SPEAKER, I'D MOVE TO RECONSIDER AND TABLE

2007-03-30T18:38:00.000-04:00

As much as I enjoyed this week, it seems as though my friends at MI5 want Billy Clyde to break his stride and go over to Iran and rescue those captured British soldiers, whom I didn’t even know had been captured until this afternoon.

How come they don’t add a little WORLD news to the meeting posting boards down in the Extension? TLS runs press releases about the price of West Texas Intermediate Crude and the World Viagra Appreciation Day/Astroglide Awareness Week Breakfast, but if you want to know about the Iranian Hostage Crises II (in theaters now!) you have to go to the Drudge Report.

But in all seriousness, y’all got to be quiet about my MI5 mission. Don’t want to lose the element of surprise.

Speaking of surprises, how many of you really, super-duper attentive Capitol cats and dogs knew that the Texas Enterprise Fund is statutorily funded by unemployment taxes? Billy Clyde nods off now and then, but this was a shocker to me. I had always figured that Governor Perry threw a kegger one afternoon on the Mansion lawn and the House and Senate decided to just appropriate him a bunch of money to hold even more keggers on the Mansion lawn. But BC was incorrect.

That’s how yesterday’s House debate begin, in a way. The House had adopted a Calendars Rule, like it always does, that says: If you wanna spend a buck, you gotta cut a buck. And not just any buck – a non-dedicated buck, apparently. Although something like 90 percent of the General Appropriations Act, if you want to be a smart-aleck, is basically dedicated to some degree.

Everyone always fairly well assumed that Fund 6 money and the PUF were off limits. Though stealing a typewriter from the Court Reporters Inspectors Council and giving it to your local barber was fine and dandy.

How are supposed to know something is dedicated? Just because you VOTED for it last session? That seems harsh.

If BC were a House Member – not an International Man of Mystery out to save some brown-toothed Brits whose poor sailing skills could lead to another 20 years of the next Ted Koppel (oh, the horror!) – he would have funded his budget amendment out of the Enterprise Fund. The only fruit lower hanging than THAT is the carrot, which actually may be a vegetable.

Turns out you can’t do it. So a startling number of amendments – maybe 20 – out of about 300 couldn’t even be offered. Democracy was lost. But just for a moment. The pragmatic side of the Members heads’ woke up and thought: Damn, with 280 amendments left, SOMETHING is still germane.

So they had some debate about public policy stuff and issues and causes, etc. With this big mission to the Persian Gulf on his mind, Billy Clyde had zero time to begin learning new wonkish acronyms that he would never use – or even remember. Instead, I became my usual Big (Motion) Picture Man.

So without getting into other the substantive (a.k.a. boring) stuff, Billy Clyde would like to roll out the red carpet for my Scattery Awards.

BEST DIRECTORS: Warren Chisum and Ryan Guillen
In a way it makes sense. If I kidnapped, drugged you and left you in a vacant pasture in either Roberts or Duval counties (and as a skilled MI5 Secret Agent, I could do it in my sleep), Billy would swear you couldn’t tell which was which. Except in winter.

You two turned what could have been Broke Back Mountain into The Sound of Music (without the Nazis).

BEST LEADING ACTRESS: Lois Kolkhorst
Some people could argue that she had one poor take, which I suspect she considers kinda her gratuitous nude scene. She possesses a calm, deep understanding of her character and just oozes empathy. Though she can be a bit hyperactive in real life.

BEST LEADING MAN: Dan Gattis
Most of the critics pick Carl Isett, who gave a soothing performance. But Gattis – who unlike Critic Billy Clyde is real bright, real prepared and real tall – did his during the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. For Gattis, it was a “the show must go on” moment.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: DAWNNA DUKES
First, how does anyone look that good at 3:00 a.m. in the morning? There’s not a wrinkle in her face, a hair out of place, and her $1,000 suit looks freshly pressed. Plus, when she gets to the front mic, without a single note, and tells the House: “If we take $86.3 million out of non-discretionary URGL funds and re-dedicate it an already fully funded Section 9 PELAP strategy that’s inconsistent with the federal GMR Act” ... well, it’s just beautiful cinematic prose.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jose Menendez
Passionate performance, but occasionally too long winded. You have to acknowledge that he is so smart and sincere he can use his honest, but clever, spin to take audiences places they normally wouldn’t want to go. Critics sided with John Davis, which means he’ll win it next time (and justly so).

BEST CAMEO: Rick Noriega
Bet the critics are sorry now that they didn’t award him the top prize last year for the DocuDrama: “Afghan Freedom Fighter; Houston Electric Lobbyist.”

WORST ACTRESS: Linda Harper-Brown
She nominated herself for Best Actress, then voted against herself. Does she slap herself in the face and say, “Does that hurt?” Representative Harper-Brown may have a promising career as an investment banker or toll booth attendant. Though she’ll never Dance With The Stars.

WORST ACTOR: Sid Miller
Been trained by the best thespians, lesbians and equestriennes, and the verdict is in: He’s made for TV, not the silver screen.

Of course, the real awards come when meaningful stuff – the kind of film you can’t cut on the editing room floor – comes down. Look for Puente, Turner of Harris, Keffer and Rose to be fan favorites.

Before I go to Iran in a few minutes, it’s also worth noting that insiders looking for the next new breakthrough artist at The Mouse (industry lingo for Walt Disney Columbia ABC Viacom AOL Dreamworks Miramax) is Joe Straus.

WILL HISTORY SHOW THAT GARY ELKINS AND BILLY CLYDE ARE THE TRUE FOUNDING FATHERS?

2007-03-21T01:25:00.000-04:00

Wednesday’s floor debate will represent the biggest Constitutional shift in executive vs. legislative powers since four-year terms were established 35 years ago.

People, HJR 59 (http://www.telicon.com/htbin/web_dtext.com?TX80RHJR0059.FIL) is serious stuff. If you threw pre-teen slut medicine, sexy cheerleading, strip-bar taxes and selling the lottery to cure cancer all in a blender, you’d create a potion far milder than the tonic that Billy Clyde’s friend Representative Gary Elkins is proposing – and presumably will send to the voters.

For the handful of Hot Tub readers who have been living on Neptune ... the proposed Constitutional Amendment would allow the Legislature to call its own self into special session for 72 hours for what amounts to a veto-override session. If the Honorable John T. Montford thought the Sunset Review process was “pet food for lobbyists,” HJR 59 must be considered a three-day Lexus session for paid advocates. Not to mention a big giant-ass slap at the Governor.

The only time Billy Clyde recalls a veto override attempt was in the late eighties on a school finance deal. The House Research Organization, which produces better historical data than BC’s faulty brain, says it hasn’t happened since 1979. Whatever. It not exactly like getting your truck washed or grabbing a Big Gulp. I place it in the “big deal” category.

Your main man Billy Clyde is interested in this measure on a number of levels. He considers himself somewhat of a Constitutional Scholar and semi-expert on separation-of-powers issues. He’s also sneaked a number of really crappy bills through the Legislature that got vetoed. Let’s put it this way: the average lobbyist’s session last 140 days; mine lasts 160, if you get my drift.

Most of the stuff that I cared about and Governors vetoed were, to be fair, questionable on a pure public policy basis. Governor Bush vetoed two early in the session – and I BEGGED Laney and Bullock to recognize the authors for a motion to override – but they blew me off. And they were my friends. If you think back, Governor Perry vetoed something like 70 bills in his first session, which he didn’t attend of participate in.

I’ve been very healthy this session. But normally, everyone gets sick at least once. When you work from 6 am to past midnight, eat poorly, don’t get any exercise, are overwhelmed with stress, sleep with near-strangers who claim that what look like genital warts are just “blemishes,” etc. – it’s gonna catch up with you and you need a nap.

That happened to me when Bush was Governor and I just went home and got in bed in the middle of the afternoon. A client, who shall remain nameless (Eric Craven) called me and said that the deadline for signing or vetoing a bill was RIGHT NOW and I needed to go see the Governor or at least Allbaugh and make sure everything was cool. So I got up, stood in the shower, put my suit back on and went to the Governor’s Office, where I was told that Bush wouldn’t see me. Neither would Allbaugh. But Teral Smith was kind enough to invite me in to announce that Bush was gonna veto the bill. Billy Clyde has zero recollection of what the bill did but is sure it was critically important to electric co-op managers.

Billy Clyde had not intended of talking about co-op managers or genital warts, so let’s re-focus on macro Constitutional Issues.

Two clear themes have emerged this session. One, let’s go to dinner early. Two, legislators have fought to assert legislative authority and are reluctant to grant any new powers to the executive branch. The first trend is good, and the second trend is downright healthy from a public policy perspective. The Executive and Legislative branch are SUPPOSED to tussle.

Over the past few sessions, an ex post facto strategy has developed whereby people don’t participate in the process and sue after the fact to strike down an act. I don’t like that. There’s also a lot of “reading legislative intent” into the record, that agencies – though not courts – for some reason take seriously. Statements of legislative intent have slightly more authority than a kindergartener’s drawing that you stick on the refrigerator but less authority than an Executive Order – whatever that means – or an Attorney General’s Opinion, which judges often use as toilet paper.

Here’s a quick and dirty summary of the pros-and-cons of HJR 59:

PRO: The Governor can let the clock run out, veto a bill that had overwhelming legislative support, and there’s not a damn thing House and Senate members can do about it.

CON: The Governor gets blamed for everything that goes wrong – even though he doesn’t get much say in the process. At least let him veto the really horrible stuff without having to do battle with the Legislature once again.

Of course, one of the beauties of a proposed Constitutional Amendment is that, when adopted by at least two thirds of each chamber, it gets filed with the Secretary of State and is placed on the ballot. The absolute most a Governor can do is hang out with the masses at polling joint, vote against it and affix one of those “I VOTED” stickers on his lapel.

Billy Clyde freely admits that his mind works in an odd fashion. Instead of looking at the prospective “good” outcomes or “bad” outcomes, he often crafts strange chaotic scenarios that might result from a piece of legislation. Because – let’s face it – when it happens every single session, on multiple occasions, over and over and over again ... that’s not paranoia or idle speculation. It’s fact.

Will these special veto override sessions become, basically, a second bite of the apple? Will big money – no, not the $1,000 PAC checks but the REAL dough – play a role in what gets taken up and what doesn’t? Will a main gubernatorial strategy be to build a 50-member House base or 11-member Senate core to prevent overrides? Does this proposed amendment actually permit the Governor to, well, govern, with a 33.3 percent support base in the Legislature?

I have no idea. But if you do, come find me in the House gallery tomorrow. This, my cousins, is history in the making.

WHY VOTE WHEN YOU CAN JUST RUN THE GOVERNMENT?

2007-03-18T19:25:00.000-04:00

Billy Clyde has a hard-and-fast rule against commenting on national political stuff. Mainly because he knows as much about U.S. politics as he knows about soccer. But this has enough of a Texas angle to pass the BC Test.

The Sunday morning clips brought us several stories about our learned lawmakers moving up the primary date so that us Texans can better compete with Iowa hog farmers, grumpy New Hampshire white people and Nevada blackjack dealers. Billy Clyde has exactly zero interest in this subject, except to point out that the Legislature has been a tad schizo on this front.

A few sessions ago, the House approved a bill by Austin’s own Sheri Greenberg that would move the primary to, if I recall, May. The bill cleared Senate committee and reached the floor, where some brutally honest debate in that chamber ensued.

Several Senators got up and pointed out, right there in front of God and everyone, that a May primary would give potential challengers more time to organize, raise funds, campaign and perhaps even beat incumbents. Senators started thinking – and flaking. I love it when that happens.

Because the Senate by tradition and for practical reasons has to operate on basically a unanimous-consent basis, Senators always feel odd when they have to reverse course when a bill hits the floor. So on those rare occasions when actual debate moves a Senator to start reconsidering his or her position, the conflicted Senator feels an obligation to announce that, while his or her word is generally the gold standard that you can take to the bank, mark down in ink, carve in stone, etc. ... well, for today only, I am flaking. It may confuse the pediatric nurses and the Liberty High School debate team in the gallery, but Billy Clyde finds it endearing.

Honesty and integrity are not lost values in the East Chamber. When a Senator lies, they tell the world. They just shout it out. Good for them.

Anyway, the bill died right there on the floor. That happens every few sessions.

The reason Texas has a March primary is because Senator Chet Edwards was part of a group of Southern legislators who apparently got to visiting at a hotel bar one night during some conference and decided to create Super Tuesday so that presidential candidates would not simply pander to Iowa pig farmers and New Hampshire hardware stores owners but also to North Carolina tobacco farmers, Texas oilmen and Mississippi plaintiff lawyers.

It made a lot of sense at the time – I mean, who DOESN’T want presidential candidates pandering to them – and the bill passed and state legislators decided to become Presidential Power Players.

Representative Tom Craddick organized the Republicans and all but one or two of them came out for Vice President George H.W. Bush. Granted, it was not a particularly risky position to take, since Bush was already predestined to win Texas. But it represented more actual Capitol presidential action since Governor Shivers endorsed General Eisenhower because of the tidelands issue in 1952.

The Democrats did their part, too. Speaker Lewis came out strong for this obscure Senator from Tennessee who recently won an Academy Award for some porn flick he made – or something like that. Representative Rick Perry, whose nose was rarely more than a few inches behind the Speaker’s butt and who REALLY wanted to be Calendars Chairman, quickly followed suit and claimed to run a lot of the day-to-day Gore operation in Austin. Representative Hugo Berlanga, whose nose was rarely more than a few centimeters behind the Speaker’s butt and who wanted Calendars every bit as much as Perry (and actually got it in the end) also signed up with Gore.

A few of the Speaker’s key chairman, in a fairly gratuitous move designed to demonstrate that they had no interest in what Gib’s butt smelled like, signed up with an obscure red-headed Congressman from Missouri. If I remember correctly, Representatives Pete Laney, Bruce Gibson, Stan Schlueter and others flew around the state campaigning for Gephardt in a brave show of independence.

Meanwhile, newly elected Railroad Commissioner John Sharp took another tact that caused his friends to speculate that he was completely off his rocker and went out and endorsed and campaigned – in a big way – for some really short, boring, obscure Massachusetts governor, who actually won the nomination. Proving once again that Sharp is pretty good at the politics deal.

None of this really matters, because (1) the race was over before (not-so) Super Tuesday and (2) Bush, as expected, won Texas without lifting a finger. Let’s face it: if an unknown welder from Matagorda County named Nasty Dripping Skanky Bush put his name on the presidential ballot, he would win Texas.

Texas has played a role in exactly zero presidential primaries in Billy Clyde’s brief lifetime and just one general election (Humphrey vs. Nixon in ‘68.) Jacking around with the primary dates won’t change things.

Texans should just continue to write checks and raise money and then assume our roles in the Cabinet and run things like we’ve always done.

RP WENT TO THE UAB WHILE A&M HEADS TO NCAA AND HPV, TYC, TXU, WDB, TTC, SxSW, THC, TWP, ERCOT ALL GET GROOVE ON

2007-03-15T07:26:00.000-04:00

When you have a funny feeling about something, best bet is to stick with your gut.

Billy Clyde contemplated taking himself a Spring Break this week. Maybe a quick jaunt over to Dubia or Qatar – hell, maybe even South Padre Island or Lake Fork – and return fresh for the upcoming grueling part of the legislative session.

But fool me once, shame on someone. Fool me twice, shame on either that same someone or maybe someone else or maybe even me. So BC hung around campus all week to listen to the dirty, vile, sex debate taking place in our Capitol, and hindsight shows that was a wise choice.

BC would betcha dollar to a glazed doughnut hole that he’s told the Honorable Rick Perry, the current Governor (really!; he is!; look it up) about the time he took a long weekend exploring Galveston’s deep blue seas at the swim-up bar at the San Luis Hotel while he SHOULDA been bird-dogging the General Services Commission sunset bill. Senate sponsor Bobby Joe Glasgow swore up and done that BC’s two sentences were fine and, because Glasgow could be flaky, BC got the same commitment from Senators Barrientos and Ike “O.H.” Harris. And yet the Monday morning packet showed that the two sentences were removed on Friday afternoon by an amendment offered by Gonzalo and accepted by Glasgow and voted for by O.H.

Lesson learned.

Fortunately, Senator E.B. Johnson found a provision tucked in the bill that granted Bubba Steen enhanced law enforcement retirement benefits and she filibustered it to death on the closing weekend and I got what is referred to in parliamentary parlance as a “do-over.” Don’t remember what Eddie Bernice’s problem was with Bubba, who did have a highly dangerous job as GSC executive director, but it saved Billy Clyde’s butt.

(Full disclosure: This post is totally true.)

Even more fortunately, Representative Wolens read the entire bill the next morning as we started the special session and found TONS of stuff way more offensive than Bubba’s stuff or Billy Clyde’s language (which I told everyone was actually John Sharp’s language, a claim that had a healthy grain of non-lie in it). So by the time Wolens exposed all the goodies for legislators’ half-wit cousins buried in the conference report and a fresh bill was produced, the Billy Clyde (excuse me, I mean Sharp) provision was looking like it came straight from Common Cause.

The point is: Governor Perry went half the way around the globe at precisely the time that the Legislature had decided to re-assert legislative supremacy in what, in our little community, can be loosely considered a major constitutional separation of powers debate on a number of fronts. Although, to the Governor’s credit, if you read the crayon coloring on the stall and realize the envelope is being pushed back your direction, maybe eight days on Infidel Island beats the snot out of slogging through losing battles in your very own Capitol.

But just as the Legislature should try to stake its ground, the Chief Executive should try to stake his. Preferably from a Western Hemispheric base.

People who brush off Rick Perry as just being lucky forget the old truism: you make your own luck. But Governor – and I say this as someone who honestly wants you to succeed – please call Cliff and get him back on the payroll. Now.

UPDATE: Some good points received, some good points granted. And yes, I do have examples:

1) If the pre-teen anti-cancer slut drug was so important, why not tell Albert to put it on the list in August or September? Same outcome.

2) If you believe that innovative private investment is the only sound way to play catch-up on transportation (and that could very well be correct), why let Chairman Williamson become such a lightening rod that the policy discussion gets lost in the personality disputes? And make Krusse catch so much crap? Name another guy, then appoint Williamson your chief of staff this summer. Is there no irony or cleverness left in this building?

3) If the agency in charge of housing delinquent youths turns out to being sexually assaultive on a regular basis with those students/inmates (studmates?), why not take really drastic action at once? Can’t hurt nothing. I am fairly certain, without even reviewing polling data, that state-sanctioned youth rape and assault is not a winning political issue.

4) If there’s an impending crisis about electric availability, why not be an advocate for massive new transmission capacity and punt the generation stuff to the PUC? Win-win situations are good.

5) Two words: Courthouse Restoration. Billy Clyde has no idea if any more need restoring, but people love that shit. In the alternative, three words: Main Street Restoration.

6) Texas is a long way from running out of water. But get out there and act like you care. Conservation (i.e.: don’t run sprinklers during a gully washer) and minimal water development bond authority (say, enough that President Bush gives Texas a 200-fold-match before he leaves office) will make you look like the water sage.

Just some thoughts.

STALK TO ME, BABY

2007-03-09T18:10:00.000-05:00

Today was just wonderful.

My fancy alarm clock went off this morning to the cheerful voices of both Sam and Bob, back together again after a week of absolute turmoil that shook Austin to its core. Some narrow-minded people objected to an off-the-cuff remark Sammy Allred made about Joe Biden, the African-American Senator from Delaware and ... well you know the story.

The sissies at KVET gave Sammy – he of Geezinslaw fame – one week of D-Hall, then let him have his mic back. Having been cleared of the racial accusations, Sammy celebrated by playing his hit song "Help, I’m White and I Can’t Get Down" – widely regarded as the best country rap song of all time. Billy Clyde hasn't felt so good at 7 am in a long, long time. The earth is back on its axis.

If anyone wants 100-percent genuine guaranteed proof that the average American has the short-term historical perspective of a guppy, consider this: After kicking Sammy off the air for a remark that requires quite a stretch to be considered racist, they replaced him with (drum roll please) Kinky Friedman. Is Billy Clyde the only bloke in town who found a bit of irony in this?

The few people who went to the Capitol today also seemed to be in a good mood. It didn’t seem like the 60th Day. The practice of just closing up shop or placing a "Gone Fishing" sign on the door is nothing new. But Representative Jim Keffer and Representative Charlie Geren warrant special recognition for their clever signs posted today.

Geren’s office had a sign with arrows pointing in all directions encircling the words: "DROP BLUEBACKS OFF HERE". It would be funnier if BC knew how to do visual stuff on this blog. But trust me.

Keffer managed to one-up him. His sign read:

I’M SORRY
IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME
WE’RE NOT FILING YOUR BILL

The new members could take a lesson from Geren and Keffer and learn that you can be a serious legislator without getting your panties all wadded up.

There was free catfish in Chairman H. Ray Hilderbran’s office. Hmm. Billy Clyde was pretty certain that his personal Lord and Savior was looking down on him in a kindly fashion today. "But wait, there’s MORE!" as the UHF ads says.

As Billy Clyde was exiting the Capitol, one of his oldest and dearest friends – now a superstar power broker and mega-lobbyist – who wishes to remain anonymous (Ellen Williams) told me that one of her clients (or maybe just friends, I wasn’t listening carefully at first) reads this blog and, on that basis of that alone, has a crush on me.

Now when Billy Clyde overcame his rather rudimentary technological skills and actually launched this deal, he considered the ramifications: political alienation; career destruction; public scorn; libel suits; etc. But never, in BC’s wildest dreams (even those really really good dreams) did he think that writing this idiotic blog would result in sultry vixens having schoolgirl fantasies about The Man, The Legend, Billy Clyde.

Totally unbeknownst to me, Ellen was in the cafeteria earlier this week with her friend, the chick who runs the Billy Clyde Fan Club, and pointed me out to her. So finally, after years and years of simply dreaming the impossible dream, I have my very own stalker.

Did I mention that today was wonderful?

---

UPDATE: I was sitting around visiting with a VERY high-ranking Senate aide yesterday (let's just call her LC) and we were trading 60th-day stories and shooting the breeze. She told me that the Governor was actually out doing some 60th-day shopping for, get ready for this, selling the lottery.

---

I didn't think much about this until I saw in the local daily today (Saturday) that Representative Dennis Bonnen had filed HB 3937, a bill to be entitled an act relating to selling the lottery. Bonnen, who is one of the good guys, didn't exactly give the proposal a ringing endorsement. But it showed that he is polite, courteous, accommodating, process-oriented, open-minded and kind. We need more of that stuff.

---

Anyway, I think even the most casual observer would acknowledge that selling the lottery is a pretty big deal. And not likely to happen in the next 80 days.

---

I guess the really illustrative part is that even important people -- say, the Governor of the nation's second largest state -- have to spend a little bit of time on the 60th day to find a lawmaker willing to cure cancer.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR CLIENTS AND THE INTERNET, LOBBYING WOULD BE FUN

2007-03-07T18:54:00.000-05:00

Been getting stopped several times a day lately at the Capitol by people complaining that there has been little new content -- "posting" is the technical blogger jargon -- in the past week or so.

Folks, if you are THAT desperate for mindless entertainment, buy a pet monkey.

Billy Clyde started this deal for his own amusement. If you want to join in, well, the more the merrier. But with all due respect to my friends -- and I consider everyone a friend -- GET. OFF. MY. ASS.

Sorry for that nasty outburst. My bad. Let's talk a little about the Texas Legislature, the world's greatest deliberative democratic institution and currently the leading source of deforestation on the planet.

The week leading up to the 60th day of the session always puts me in a foul mood. I know it's sort of a fake deadline, but BC likes to play along ... because he's a stickler for the rules. If the posted speed is 65, I drive 64. Just to be on the safe side. No one can accuse me of being an anarchist.

When we get close to the 60th day, people are scurrying around like a rattler with its head cut off. Paper is flying. Thanks to these Internet Web Machines that are downright ubiquitous these days, everyone from the assistant volleyball coach in Willis to the paranoid banking mogul in El Paso can read these newly filed bills. They find one they hate (read: don't understand) and immediately phone their elected officials in Austin and want to give the REALLY LONG version of why some obscure piece of legislation that won't even be referred for a week or two has already cost them their retirement and killed their pets and is responsible for the drought. Can a locus infestation of Biblical proportion be far behind?

Typical conservation:

HYPERVENTILATING CONSTITUENT: Representative Smedley, why would you do this to me?

HOUSE MEMBER SMEDLEY: What did I do to you?

HC: House Bill 4938. Don't be coy with me! You wrote it, and I take personal offense.

HMS: I've never written a bill before. What does it do?

HC: The actual legislation PURPORTS to regulate pesticides at Texas wineries. But that part in SECTION 17, amending Article 2183(c)(A)(3), will shut down the proposed new exit that would feed into the property I inherited from my Uncle Ernie -- may he rest in peace -- and would kill my plans to build that that convenience store/pool hall/bait and tackle shop that I've dreamed about since I was a tyke. You know that.

HMS: Have I met you?

HC: Not formally. But quit trying to dodge the issue like all you Austin politicians do.

You get the point.

Now paid advocates -- who, contrary to public belief, are also human being persons -- face the same kind of nonsense. A presumably sophisticated client can turn into a flaming moron when he is permitted to read bills. Which, I may add, he has no business doing unless his lobbyist sends it to him.

Here's how it works. The client is in a foul mood because he had a flat tire on the way to work and a thunderstorm cancelled his golf game and the attractive young secretary who he just hired and who can't type, make a copy, send a fax or master the primitive six-line phone system is menstruating heavily. So, bored, he gets on the Information Superhighway and starts reading bills. It takes a while, but he finds one egregious enough -- in his own bird brain -- for him to phone up his asleep-at-the-switch lobbyist.

The client rants and raves and curses and complains and repeats himself over and over and invokes patriotic stuff and then finally, after about an hour, give you the bottom line: If the Legislature requires Texas-based third party administrators for off-shore reinsurance companies to be free of murder convictions, then the state's economy will be RUINED.

"I've suspected they would pull this power play one day," the client says. "All the high-paying TPA jobs will move to the Cayman Islands and the Texas economy will collapse."

The paid advocate -- who's been staring out the window and subconsciously calculating the number of sidewalk pedestrians carrying Starbucks cups (about half) and hasn't listened to anything this guy has said whatsoever-- suddenly hears this part and has a revelation:

Wonder what it takes to get a third party administrator license in the Cayman Islands? Cuz it sounds like a good gig to me.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET CHEERED UP, THIS IS NOT YOUR PLACE

2007-03-01T07:44:00.000-05:00

As a country conservative right-winger, I should probably just shut up. But Representative John Smithee is a country conservative and he has good sense, so I'm following his lead.

Chairman Smithee got on the mic yesterday and said, basically, let's think about this. That's considered wild in the modern legislating community.

The heart of this House debate was about Representative Debbie Riddle's bill about getting tough on child molesters. I am for this bill and hate child molesters. Glad to get that policy statement off my chest.

Representative Smithee had the nuts (some people call it "guts") to stand up and say that the House was considering a rather imperfect bill. Different people have different ideas. But I know that when John Smithee stands up and says something, it matters. Mainly because he's the smartest member of the House and uses the front mic judiciously and knows what he's talking about and is universally thought of as an honest broker. As far as I know, Chairman Smithee is also kind to his wife and kids and pets.

Anyway, he gave a speech yesterday that basically shut down the House. Not because he philosophically disagreed; because he actually read it the bill.

No longer will I support the death penalty. In any shape or form. Because is scares me.

What if I'm wrong?

If I change my left rear tire when I shoulda changed my left front tire, that presents a problem. If I sanction the legal killing of a person who or may not be guilty, well ... that can weigh on you.

My high school friend Misty moved to Austin and got killed. I went to court and testified during the punishment phase that the no-good rapist murdering bastard should die -- and die now. The state eventually killed him and I'm glad. But no mas.

It's not than I'm anti-capital punishment. It's just that someone higher up the food chain -- say, God -- oughta make those decisions.

GOVERNORS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE (OR AT LEAST SINCE 1963)

2007-02-25T17:10:00.000-05:00

How Billy Clyde missed this he cannot fathom. But as I read the actual print version of the newspaper this evening, I ran across reporter Gardner Selby's feature on Representative Brian McCall's doctoral dissertation about Texas governors.

This excites me, in an HPV way, on SOOOO many levels.

First, Garnder Selby doesn't excite me at all. When I first met him about 15 years ago, he looked like he was 16. Now that he's about 50, he looks like he's about 15. Dude, that shit ain't fair. But he's a good reporter and writer.

His story was about McCall's paper on governors. Billy Clyde more than likely will not sleep tonight because he can't wait for Representative McCall's office to open and permit me to request a copy. This gives me an actual reason to show up at the Capitol this week -- that, and the four bills in three different committees I'm working on that are posted for Tuesday. But that's not important.

BC hearts certain things: pine trees, college basketball, eggs, smart women, golf, funny novels ... but this post is about Texas Governors. Put me down in the fascinated category.

I'll do a real review after reading the dissertation. But here's my take on what Selby wrote:

JOHN CONNALLY: What can you say. He was the Barack Obama of his day. Brilliant, savvy, clever .. just the best.

PRESTON SMITH: Seems to be criticized for being too political, but his politics were awful damn good. When he won, he rewarded. When he lost, he plotted his next race. He also made Texas a better place to live.

DOLPH BRISCOE: BC really wants to read this part of Brian's dissertation before commenting too much. Selby leaves the impression that Briscoe was a detached "caretaker" who didn't come to the office much. My impression has been that Governor Briscoe, while not an "office hound," did a lot of really good things for the state. If he's crazy, he's crazy like a fox. The only reason I show up for Former Member Day is to visit with Mr. Briscoe. He's great.

BILL CLEMENTS: BC wasn't around during Governor Clements' first term, because BC was too busy going to junior and high school. But I got to work for him during the second (and I think he would freely acknowledged not his most engaged) term and believe that he maybe had as good of instincts as any of them. Conservative, pragmatic, deal-oriented .. a real Texas success story. Please read Carolyn Barta's book about him.

MARK WHITE: People made fun of Marco Blanco (aka Media Mark) and said being Governor was just a stepping stone for him. Well, pissing off school teachers and coaches, raising taxes, and permitting racetrack betting weren't particularly consensus issues. He did right for the right reasons.

ANN RICHARDS: Selby says that McCall says that talk about Bob Bullock is off the table. When I worked for Mr. Bullock in 1994 Governor Richards told her staff not to talk to me, because I was a George W. Bush's plant. Totally untrue. (a) I didn't know Bush well enough to be his plant; (b) Sibley had already staked out the plant role; and (c) I was too scared of Bullock to be a part of some Machiavellian scheme. Governor Richards was never anything but kind to me, and we became regular breakfast partners after she left office. I wish I had visited with her one last time.

GEORGE W. BUSH: One of the strangest things I have ever witnessed. In 1990, I stalked him at a Dallas dinner to find out if he was running for Governor (full disclosure: I was working for another guy in the race). His speech was pitiful. Then, four years later, I was minding my own business and cooking fajitas for a State Representative's local fund-gathering party and Bush shows up and gives the absolute best speech you could give in a FM1960 strip center parking lot. I was floored. He's the best I've seen. A lot of people, I understand, aren't that hot on him these days in his new job. Betcha anything it's the Iraq War deal and all the spending he let slide through.

My harsh critics may say, "Billy Clyde, you have nice things to say about all these modern governors. They come from different parts of the state, different parties, different political ideologies. What the hell are you saying?"

Fair enough. My answer, simply, would be that they all good people and good servants and served the state well. Few, if any, states have been so blessed.

Thank you Representative McCall. This will be be the first (and almost certainly last) dissertation, that I read. And I am psyched.

WE LOOK AT SUNDAY MORNING TV AND PAPERS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO; YOU'RE WELCOME

2007-02-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

Most of Billy Clyde's tribe was attending church or running marathons this morning. Not to worry. I'll fill you in on what you missed.

Our Governor and the Pennsylvania Governor, Ed Rendell, went on the chat show today hosted by Mike Wallace's boy. Both performed very well, but the main topic was ... yeah, you guessed it: 11-year-old cervixes. People, enough already!

In an effort to steer the public policy dialogue back to a REAL issue, Billy Clyde suggests you check out former Lieutenant Governor Bill Hobby's op-ed in today's Houston Chronicle, available at www.chron.com for those of you with Internet access.

Governor Hobby takes a couple of fairly nasty gratuitous shots at Governor Perry. Maybe they've had long conservations about higher ed special item funding and the pro-special item folks decided that the only way to get Perry's attention was to plant an op-ed piece written by Hobby, for whom I have enormous respect. I mean, the guy did serve as Lieutenant Governor longer than anyone in Texas history. More importantly, he did a stint as Senate Parliarmentarian, the toughest job in state government and one that deserves compensation on par with the head football coach at TAMU.

Two things popped into my mind while reading Governor Hobby's article.

One, he claimed that Governor James "Pa" Ferguson was impeached because he vetoed the UT budget. Everything I have ever read or heard suggests that it was because he was shamelessly selling pardons and doing other crooked stuff. But since Hobby's daddy succeeded Governor Ferguson, he probably knows better than me.

The second is how odd it is that the Ferguson family and Hobby family -- as different, to put it mildly, as they are -- both produced trail-blazing women. Pa Ferguson's wife, Ma Ferguson, was Texas' first woman Governor. Big Bill Hobby's wife, Ovetta Culp Hobby, was the nation's first female Cabinet Secretary during the administration of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who was born in Grayson County.

Okay, I got sidetracked.

Little Bill Hobby wrote in his op-ed that Governors shouldn't micromanage universities and thus the all-or-nothing bill patterns in the General Appropriations Act are good things. Perry, as you may have heard, disagrees.

The reason the Legislature bundles these appropriation measures is because Governor William P. Clements vetoed a bunch of them a while back. Of the roughly 50 people Governor Clements consulted, roughly 49 of them said FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T VETO THAT STUFF. So, natch, he sided with Bob Davis and struck them out of the budget.

Hobby then struck back by instructing Senator Bobby Joe Glasgow to, in essence, lump it all together and make it basically unvetoable. Even Clements wouldn't strike out a whole college -- mainly because he was vacationing in New Mexico and everything was auto-penned.

Now Governor Perry doesn't have a vacation spot in New Mexico, he thrives on vetoing stuff, and he absolutely LUVS calling special sessions. So this needs to get worked out.

Otherwise, it will be yet another defeat for my main legislative cause: restoring the word "summer" to a verb.

BUCK FUDDIES

2007-02-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

One of my oldest friends allegedly coaches football, girls golf, and teaches a history class. That means he stays on the Internet all day on the Tomball ISD dime's and sends me stuff. Including Austin newscast segments.

Billy Clyde doesn't watch the local news -- except during serious weather calamities -- but has a sneaking suspicion that this is Sweeps Week. The local NBC affiliate produced a story a few days ago about "Friends With Benefits." It seems this is what they call buck fruddies these days.
http://www.kxan.com/Global/category.asp?C=65569

The story is awful. But in a period in which Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith and Rick Perry are considered legitimate news, then I guess anything goes. Governor Perry actually came out for curing cancer, and it resulted in some hard-right social conservative testifying before Chairman Dianne White Delisi's committee about the evils of "teenage sluts." Huh?

BC must have entered the wrong concourse last week. He was booked on a return flight to Planet Earth.

I can recall sexual innuendo in committee hearings before. Don't specifically remember which chairman (I think it was Bob McFarland) who scheduled the homo bill on the same day as the cock fighting legislation. But that was the sorta deal that required you to look at the posting and get the inside joke. Teenage slut testimony would have been WAY out of bounds.

If you think I'm heading somewhere here -- you know, like getting to a point -- well, you would be sadly mistaken. Just wanted my fellow Texans to know that you can air "serious" stories about buck fuddies on prime time news shows and show up at committee hearings and drone on about teenage sluts and, best I can tell, no when even notices.

Now that I'm at a total dead end, I guess BC owes his special friend, who shall remain nameless (Machree) an update on the week's activities so she can cut and paste it and send it out and beat the Friday afternoon traffic. So here it goes.

SENATE:
According to our local paper of record, the Lieutenant Governor held a news conference yesterday to say that the Senate was not only breaking a sweat, but was in constant need of iced towels. I really appreciate Governor Dewhurst for clearing that up, because it shot down my conspiracy theory that one Senator (Averitt) and one Senate employee (KCD) were basically running the show for their own amusement. Senator Brimer seems to be working on some stuff, too.

HOUSE:
Billy Clyde posted on the subject a few days ago and remains stumped. Surely a large contingency of House members wouldn't be stirring things up simply to upset the applecart. Who would voluntarily enter public service with little pay and no glory just to screw up the process? No one I know.

That takes care of Hot Tub news for the week. Y'all come back now. Hear?

ADOPTING A RESOLUTION; MAKING AN APPROPRIATION; CREATING PENALTIES

2007-02-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

It used to be that there were two complicated things Billy Clyde actually understood.

Not gonna fake it any longer. I freely admit I know absolutely nothing about the legislative procedure. But I remain well-versed on the intricacies of the infield-fly rule, so I still got that going for me.

What the hell was all that stuff that went down in the House today? Have House members unionized and now get paid by the hour? Adopting a SCR that everyone acknowledged would be adopted -- whether today or in April -- shouldn't really burn up an entire Tuesday. Strange days indeed; most peculiar momma.

Before BC gets all critical about the House, it's only fair to point out the good news. The People's Chamber has done an outstanding job of reading and referring bills in a timely manner to the appropriate committees, which never meet. So it's not a total meltdown.

I found myself sitting in the House gallery today -- something I rarely do since the invention of Capitol's closed-circuit television network. And I don't usually watch that except to listen to the announcements. But I was really really busy this morning and had a mammoth to-do list. Which I finished by lunchtime. Because BC is terribly efficient, he did everything he had to do and faced this decision: go to the cafeteria and visit with people, go to the House lobby and visit with people, or go to the gallery and visit with people. Due to my superior time-management skills, I did all three.

The gallery part is the focus of this post. Chairman Chisum had this procedural resolution he presented the House. Representative Eiland wasn't big on the resolution. So they debated. Normally a good thing. Debate is healthy in the democratic process, and Chisum and Eiland are two of the best at the mic. They both know their stuff.

But calling this routine debate is like calling The Masters "hitting the links" or The Road To The Final Four a "pick-up game." Billy Clyde cannot recall off the top of his head what the Lincoln-Douglas debates were about, but he's fairly certain they didn't last this long.

I asked three really smart people -- all former House members -- to please explain why internal procedural matters that in the past just sorta pass on their own without anyone really knowing or caring now take up a full day. All three of the smart persons told me "primaries." I nodded my head like I understood perfectly, but I didn't.

So I found a fourth smart person, and asked her about "primaries." She kindly explained that the primary elections in which voters select the party nominees are a concern for many members on all sides of the pie. Now that makes sense. Not in a big-picture way, but BC knows about primary elections. He's personally voted in them.

Maybe the smartest guy I talked to said that several members turned down chairmanships because of their fear about this primary thing. I asked a straightforward question: Since when did holding a leadership position and exerting influence over the process for the benefit of your constituents become a liability? He replied that he hadn't looked at it in those terms and owned up to the fact that this Session is confusing.

So it's not just Billy Clyde. That makes me feel better.

P.S. Remember when a big part of the legislative process was scrubbing bills? You'd sit down with the committee report and look over the posting times and hearing times and room numbers and witness lists and the minutes and the bill analyses and search for potential parliamentary problems. Then you'd give to to a buddy, so a fresh set of eyeballs could review it. If necessary, you gave it to Legislative Council for further scrubbing. All in the hopes that you had a clean committee report that couldn't be taken down by a point of order.

Doesn't seem like that happens any more.

NORTHERN MEXICO: WHERE THE HONEST POLITICIANS LIVE

2007-02-18T17:24:00.000-05:00

Quick quiz:

Which one do you think is the tough South Texas sheriff and which is the Hollywood mover and shaker?

WRONG!

The guy on the left is some sort of Tinsel Town mogul. And the guy on the right is the Willacy County Sheriff who doesn't have office privileges and is camping out on the courthouse lawn and threatening to make crime legal in the greater Raymondville area if they don't give him back his phone.

This is true. I swear. The actor-director-producer guy is planning a made-for-teevee-movie (NOT a joke) about this. And it's far from reaching it's real-time zenith.

(editors note: Before Billy Clyde live-blogs the following story, he would like you to know that he is NOT picking on Hidalgo and Willacy counties -- two of his favorites. He also picks on Cameron, like the deal about the escapees from the jail a few months ago when the sheriff and his deputies (several of them also fled to Mexico) let murder suspects "escape" and go to the PRM, my favorite county.

BC would also link you to the story from the McAllen Monitor about the District Clerk who has been on the lam for a good while and was extradited back to the USA yesterday to face charges on his corruption and sexual assault charges -- except the Monitor site doesn't seem to be hospitable to cut-and-paste links. But the following VMN story is good enough, for now.)

http://www.valleymorningstar.com/onset?id=240&template=article.html

RAYMONDVILLE - District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra said Friday that he will request law enforcement agencies re-file as many as 500 criminal cases or he will dismiss them. (One or the other. I like the flip-a-coin method of ruining people's lives.)

As Guerra camped for the fifth day in front of the Willacy County Jail, a Hollywood actor who wants to produce a film based on Guerra's life began the second day of a hunger strike in protest of Guerra's Sunday arrest. (No comment necessary. Just dream.)

Meanwhile, in court, a state district judge accepted Guerra's request to dismiss his motion to remove state District Judge Migdalia Lopez from hearing several cases. (So he grants the motion to dismiss and recuse. If I read that correctly. That should make the underlying case moot. But I'm probably being a simpleton.)

In a motor home parked in front of the Willacy County Jail, Guerra stunned local law enforcement agencies when he requested that they re-file 400 to 500 pending criminal cases in his office. (What? Are these Spring Break minor-in-possession cases or something? This is a very small county that is divided into three equal parts: those who work for the school district, those who work for the county, and those who work for the roughly 27,000 municipalities and WCIDs in this county of maybe 15,000.)

Guerra claimed special prosecutor Gus Garza, the former district attorney who headed the investigation that led to Guerra's arrest, "contaminated" case files because he serves as a defense attorney who handles many of the cases. (He said; she said.)

"These cases have been tainted and I can't move forward," Guerra said. "We want to open new files so I can have confidence that those new files were not tainted." (I look forward to prosecuting a new batch of my political enemies.)

Guerra said he will determine the length of time law enforcement agencies will get to re-file their cases. "If, for instance, I give them four months to re-file, and they haven't, I have no choice but to dismiss," Guerra said. (Dude, if your hands are tied, your hands are tied.)

Sheriff Larry Spence said he would re-file his cases, but the work would strain his small staff.
"I haven't heard of anything like this before," Spence said. "I don't think it's realistic to ask to do that, but I'm not saying it can't be done. If that's the way it's going to be, that's the way it's going to be." (Sure. Play the naivete card. Who, in this day and age, hasn't had a local District Attorney thrown out of office by an acting special prosecutor who has his own cases thrown out by a District Judge who is then removed from office and cannot accept cases because of his own ethical problems but can reinstate the sheriff if only the defense bar would permit it. All this while the sheriff and and a movie star threaten to make a Lifetime Movie and camp out on the courthouse lawn. I mean, come on. That shit happens everyday.)

Raymondville Police Chief Uvaldo Zamora could not be reached for comment. (Thank God! There are so many characters here already I feel like I'm in a freakin Robert Altman ensemble movie.)

John Blaylock, a defense attorney who ran against Guerra in an election, said the request could further backlog cases, forcing taxpayers to foot the bill for longer jail stays. (Totally objective source plays the tax/crime card . How about this: If these people have to be held in jail because they are gonna abscond to Mexico, isn't just turning them free a win-win deal? ... Also, isn't having a 10th of your population in County Jail a little high?)

It could also force the court to dismiss some criminal cases, he said. (Let that force be with you.)

"It could be a terrible delay," Blaylock said. "Whatever amount of time it takes to re-file, it's that much more time that my client stays in jail. It could be really good for them, because if the cases aren't re-filed quick enough for lack of manpower or other reasons, my client gets off scot-free."
(No. Yes. No. Yes. Uh, yeah, I could set some guys free. So maybe I'm a "yes.")

In court, state District Judge J. Manuel Bañales accepted Guerra's request to dismiss his motion to remove Lopez from hearing several cases. (This is a WAY more complicated sentence than it seems.)

Guerra said he requested Bañales dismiss the motion because he planned to call Lopez as a witness in a Feb. 23 hearing in which Raymondville Municipal Judge Hector "Tiger" Lopez will determine whether authorities have enough evidence to arrest Guerra. (Typical politician. Punt it to Tiger, the part-time muni judge. Who will turn it over to the solid waste handlers ...)

"I didn't want to make that an issue," Guerra said of his request to remove Lopez. (I take you at your word, but I think you are lying. Mainly because you were the styled plaintiff in the action about which "I didn't want to make that an issue." )

Early this month, Guerra said he filed a request to remove Lopez because her alleged call for his investigation allegedly proved bias against him. (Cannot comment. Completely incomprehensible. But man, I want to see these pleadings. Hello, CourtTV.)

Late Thursday, actor Daniel Zacapa arrived at the motor home to begin a hunger strike to protest Guerra's arrest, Zacapa said. (Motor homes = Winter Texans = People Who Don't Like Cold Weather.)

"I will remain here until he returns to his office as a free man," said Zacapa, who's stared in film and television and won a best supporting actor trophy at the American Latino Media Arts awards in 1998. (Unless it's more than a week. Cuz SPI is 30 miles away and it's nice.)

Zacapa said he's producing a film based on Guerra's life. "This is an individual whose parents were migrant farm workers and he became a teacher, a businessman, an attorney and a district attorney," Zacapa said. "It's an American story." (Were I have written that last sentence, I would have inserted an adjective before "American." Like "great" or " classic.")

In front of the Willacy County Jail, Guerra continued to dare Spence to arrest him on a trespassing charge. (Don't Double-Dog Dare him. That would make you an inmate. Not as good as being the local DA. Just wondering: Why would allow him to arrest you? Why don't you just file false articles of information and throw HIS ass in the slammer?)

"I'm going to stay here until they drop the charges or they arrest me," Guerra said.
Sunday, Raymondville police arrested Guerra after he allegedly stopped them from entering his office to execute a search warrant. (Third option: go home or start working on the movie.)

Guerra faces three felony theft charges and a misdemeanor charge that stems from reportedly stopping police from entering his office. (These are NOT serious infractions in the grand scheme of Willacy County politics. This is the county that lost most of its budget in 2005 after its Treasurer acknowledged that he was "not great at math." That's a true quote.)

Monday afternoon, Guerra posted $22,000 bail after he spent the night in jail.
As Garza pursues his ongoing investigation, the threat of a second arrest has left him unable to sleep, Guerra said. (Where are the free samples of Ambien when you need them?)

So he came to the jail "where I can truly sleep," Guerra said. "To relax, I'm here." (Looks like the Ambien rep made his rounds.)

MAJOR BONUS NEWS: This story is actually the most interesting of the Sunday Rio Grande Valley articles. But I simply lack the time to live-blog it. Or learn about the Afi religion. And other reasons. Like going to dinner.

Alex Jones/The Monitor

Omar Guerrero, former Hidalgo County District Clerk and fugitive from justice since early December, ducks past media cameras as he is booked into Mission's city jail early Sunday morning.

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Omar Guerrero extradited to United States
February 18,2007
Michael Barnett and Kaitlin Bell
Monitor Staff Writers

MISSION — Former Hidalgo County District Clerk Omar Guerrero has been arrested in Mexico and brought back to the United States, Mission police officials announced Saturday night.

Guerrero has been missing since Dec. 6, when authorities issued a warrant for his arrest on charges of sexually assaulting a minor.

Mission police were vague on the details of Guerrero’s arrest in the Mexican border state of Tamaulipas. Mission police chief Leo Longoria confirmed that he had been apprehended in or near Reynosa early Saturday evening and said more details would be available at a Monday afternoon news conference.

The FBI brought Guerrero across the Hidalgo-Reynosa International Bridge about 11:45 p.m. Saturday, Mission police officials said. Guerrero was cooperative with authorities, according to Longoria.

Guerrero was brought to Mission police headquarters for booking about 12:10 a.m. today. He will likely be arraigned Monday afternoon, Mission police spokesman Sgt. Martin Garza said.

Since early December, Mission police and FBI agents have been working many tips about Guerrero’s whereabouts and forwarding them to Mexican authorities. But the events directly leading to Guerrero’s arrest seem to have unfolded only in the last day or two. Longoria said he learned about the capture early Saturday night.

“This was coming,” Longoria said. “We have received information previously that he was in our area of reach, and we’ve been patient.”

In the week following Guerrero’s disappearance, his lawyer, defense attorney Al Alvarez, made several successive promises that Guerrero would turn himself in. But the then-district clerk repeatedly failed to show.

Alvarez, who represents Guerrero in several pending legal cases, did not return a message seeking comment Saturday night.

If convicted of aggravated sexual assault, a first-degree felony, Guerrero faces up to 99 years in prison. Longoria said his department was still mulling whether to charge Guerrero in connection with his flight from the United States.

A HISTORY OF TROUBLE

The sexual assault charges weren’t the first legal problem for the 30-year-old Guerrero, although they seemed to be the last straw that prompted him to flee. His public troubles began in November 2005, when he was arrested on charges of marijuana possession and driving while intoxicated.

Guerrero arrived at a police crime scene to help a friend, who was also charged with possession of marijuana. Although police said Guerrero had showed up red-eyed and slurred his words, the then-district clerk refused a blood test, saying it was against the tenets of Ifa, the ancient African religion he claimed to follow.

In March 2006, Guerrero lost his re-election bid by a landslide to Laura Hinojosa, who took office Jan. 1. Also in March, First National Bank sued him for defaulting on a $17,000 loan. Guerrero later claimed the suit was politically motivated.

He was subsequently arraigned in late September on charges of assaulting his then-wife, Karina. The couple has since divorced, and Karina has legally reverted to her maiden name, Rodriguez. She was awarded sole custody of their young daughter.

Even after Guerrero fled, his financial and legal problems continued to mount. While searching for him at his home in an upscale North McAllen neighborhood, police found what they called “a sizeable amount” of marijuana and cocaine. Lone Star National Bank repossessed the home shortly thereafter.

In late December, Justice of the Peace Mary Alice Palacios, who had clashed with Guerrero during his September arraignment on the assault charges, told media outlets she had requested police protection at her home after hearing from the Hidalgo County Sheriff’s Office that Guerrero had made threats against her. Palacios had refused a request from Guerrero’s lawyer to bar media from the courtroom during the arraignment.

Sheriff Lupe Treviño said at the time he had no credible information about Guerrero having made threats against Palacios.

COMMUNITY REACTION

Guerrero’s troubles have made for plenty of local water cooler gossip.

But news of his impending return Saturday night had his successor, Laura Hinojosa, hoping that public attention will shift to the goals she hopes to accomplish as district clerk.

“I hope for all concerned it’s true so we can just get some closure and move forward,” Hinojosa said late Saturday, before authorities brought Guerrero back to the United States.

La Joya Mayor Billy Leo, one of Guerrero’s early political supporters and himself a former district clerk, is asking what happened to the man who was once a rising political star.

“I didn’t understand why he never gave himself up,” Leo said. “Maybe now he’s having second thoughts.”

Leo, a political powerbroker who is friends with Guerrero’s father, said the younger Guerrero developed a reputation as a hard-working campaigner.

“It’s obvious he isn’t the same guy who was elected,” Leo said. “He was a smart guy. The biggest question is: Where did he go wrong?”

Monitor staff writer Sara Perkins contributed to this report.

Kaitlin Bell covers Mission, western Hidalgo County and general assignments for The Monitor. You can reach her at (956) 683-4446. For this and other local stories visit www.themonitor.com.

Michael Barnett covers law enforcement and general assignments for The Monitor. He can be reached at (956) 683-4447. For this and more local stories, visit www.themonitor.com.

LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET

2007-02-16T00:26:00.000-05:00

I can't say for certain what's going down with our fearless leader. But it's definitely perplexing.

Billy Clyde pulls for Governor Rick Perry. I live in the state and want him to succeed and like him. But he sure knows how to make it hard on his fans. So as I sit in my luxurious hotel room wearing my complimentary robe (that I WILL be stealing) I offer, with all due respect, a couple pieces of advice. Which, if Perry is smart, he should probably ignore.

First, when someone comes to you with what, on first blush, seems like a good idea, you should give it some thought before committing whole hog. If it's a brilliant idea on Monday morning, then it will be brilliant on Wednesday afternoon. Pace yourself.

In fact, think about knocking off early a few days a week. Got to The Mansion, get a big glass of iced tea and some chips and salsa, and sit out in the side yard and admire your well-manicured lawn. Which you don't have to mow. Life is sweet; enjoy it.

Also, there is not a sporting event, concert, movie or other entertainment opportunity that, as Governor, you cannot attend. The tickets will probably be free. So go. Get it while the getting's good.

And, for the love of mankind, lay off anything that is remotely sexual. Remember when you came out for a stripper tax -- the so-called Tits For Tots deal? And remember how talk radio and citizens in general ridiculed the idea, mainly because nudie joints, unlike water or transportation or tax policy, are something average Texans actually understand?

Remember how our citizens don't really focus on the budget surplus or the low unemployment rate or the strong housing market, but know ALL about your plan to give hoo-ha shots to all the little girls? Yeah? Okay, then stop doing that stuff. Really.

On a somewhat related note ... I'm with you big time on your plan to cure cancer. That seems to be a winner. But for some reason you felt the need to take it a step further and give a speech yesterday about your prostate. There's ample evidence supporting the benefits of "quitting while you're ahead." Try it.

Finally, you deserve credit for amassing more executive branch power than any Governor in history. But you can't go around appropriating money on a lark. Especially when the Legislature is in session. Trying that deal during the summer or fall would be edgy. Trying it when House and Senate members are RIGHT HERE is, to be kind, an unwise strategy.

Feel free to give me a holler over the weekend or next week if you want to flesh this out. I may not be from the government, but I am here to help.

UPDATE 1: I went over the Saturday and Sunday clips and was shocked to see that 13 out of 30 stories -- that's exactly half for those who are mathematically challenged -- were about hooking up. So maybe Perry can see into the future and actually invented sex. The gubernatorial equivalent of Ben Franklin (kite flying, Almanacs and bifocals), Alexander Graham Bell (who has dropped the "Bell" to avoid any chance of being confused with Chris Bell; now goes by AT&T) and George Washington Carver (the peanut).

But even if the Governor is spot on about Texans' myopic preoccupation with nekkid lusty fun, his overall health program could use some fine tuning.

For example, the hot new pharmaceutical isn't the stuff that turns our elementary girls into syphilis-infected nymphos. Nope.

It's this new medicine that alleviates all symptoms of Restless Leg Syndrome. Read the tiny tiny print on the back of Time Magazine ads for this drug, and the careful consumer will learn that there are only two reported cases (Don Knotts and Gilligan) of this syndrome in U.S. history.

Why not take some of this valuable research and development money and create a Restless Penis Syndrome vaccination for all these 11-year-old Lotharios who are turning 10-year-old girls into pigtailed gonorrhea factories? You know the old saying: it takes a minimum of two -- preferably many more -- to tango.

Sure fire way to win that Nobel Prize for Medicine that you've always wanted: Find a cure for Restless Legislator Syndrome. It's a debilitating scourge that apparently is highly contagious and is spreading like wildfire this season.

Voters would unanimously agree to sell the Lottery to fast-track (like by Monday) that vaccine to market.

ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS! OUR LEGISLATORS ARE DOING STUFF

2007-02-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

People who say nothing is happening in the Legislative Session are just bone-heads.

This has been the most surreal 48 hours or so. And Billy Clyde predicts it will get even better.

I went to some meetings yesterday (blah blah blah) but some interesting things happened along the way. Actually attended the wrong meeting on accident, but it turned out to be very interesting. You know how the House Committee rooms down in the Extension share a common area in the back? That's where you get your free Diet Cokes. Well I entered the wrong door and left, but shouldn't have.

Turns out that Senator John Carona went to this hearing -- I think it's called House Transportation; Krusee runs the deal, and seem to know a lot about that stuff -- and had a giant smackdown with Ric Williamson. Billy Clyde actually likes Ric Williamson, although he freely acknowledges that he's odd (both Ric and BC.) For some reason or another, Ric won't meet with Carona, who oversees TxDot. A lot a people, for whatever reason, seem to be anti-visiting these days.

If I have any political skills whatsoever, it's this innate ability to predict winners (John Carona) and losers (Ric Williamson). Although I could be wrong. No, actually I'm really right on this deal.

The committee hearing I was supposed to attend was Criminal Jurisprudence. Because I was a guest, there to provide Invited Testimony. About ten of us were asked to appear, but this one chick talked for about two hours. She must know WAY more about criminal law that is really necessary.

BC just sorta hung out in the back of the room goobering it up with a lobbyist who shall remain nameless (Allan Place). I know that many people find it utterly incomprehensible that Place and BC are capable of goobering it up -- but we can. Then I got bored and went to Representative Flynn's office. He's great. And then I went to Whitmire's office and Lucio's office and Dutton's office and Janek's office and Goolsby's office. Then I went back to the committee hearing. And that same girl in the black pantsuit was STILL talking. Hope she got it all off her chest.

Okay, so after about three hours of waiting around to give Invited Testimony at what should be a perfunctory hearing, where you meet staff and settle on a schedule, Chairman Pena finally called me. Now, Representative Pena is the pick of the litter. Assuming Patrick Rose or Lois Kolkkhorst don't enter the race, Aaron is my man for Governor next time.

But I probably need to have a talk with Chairman Pena. Actually, I may need back-up help.

When he called me to the dais, his staff had made me fill out a Witness Affirmation Card. I don't like those. Perjury, Under Oath, etc. ain't my cup of tea. Plus it's totally unnecessary when a committee doesn't have a legislative measure before it. IT'S AN ORGANIZATIONAL MEETING. A FORMAL MEETING. Please.

So for some reason, Chairman Pena asks me about blogging. And for some reason, I tell Terri Hodge that I love her. And Debbie Riddle asks something about her attire (I didn't understand that part at all.) I also got cheered (literally -- look at the VERY VERY end of the House tape, which I can't figure out how to link to; www.house.state.tx.us should be renamed The World's Most Complicated Web Site) for bringing Represtative Talton to the meeting.

Like I said, it was strange.

Oh, the reason I know about the House Web Site and Chairman Pena's loose lips is because (1) I checked it out; and (2) he apparently doesn't know what an "open mic" or "live mic" is. He confides to the world that he and his deskmate, who shall remain nameless (Joe Deshotel), spend all their valuable floor time reading worthless blogs. Now he's gonna have to plead with House Administration to please "lose" the tape.

Moving on ... I went to work this morning and a certain unnamed Senate aide (Tina Poston) said my meeting with her boss, Dan Patrick, needed to be rescheduled. Totally fine. Billy Clyde is not that hot on meetings.

But then my news source, who shall remain nameless (Harvey Kronberg), reported that Senator Patrick had some sort of presser at the time when our visit was scheduled where he displayed a million dollars in cash. Don't know what the "issue" was, but it seems weird that people carry so much hard currency these days. I like to have 80 or a 100 bucks in my wallet for spending money ... but a million seems like a lot to be walking around with. Oh well.

There is no direct connection between Ric Williamson or John Carona or Aaron Pena or Robert Talton or Terri Hodge or Dan Patrick or anyone else I mentioned here. Except to say that this session is better than people give it credit for.

BLACK LIKE ME

2007-02-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

Billy Clyde is a man who doesn't just promise stuff. He delivers. Usually.

And like I told you a week or so ago, The Honorable Joe Deshotel will be this site’s featured attraction throughout February. Which is Black History Month. And Joe is black. Or at least claims to be black.

This is Billy Clyde’s Political Hot Tub Party’s exclusive interview with the Chairman of the House Committee on Economic Development:

BC: I feel like Bob Woodward, getting inside information from a real-life high-ranking government official. Why have you agreed to spill your guts to Billy Clyde?

Chairman Joe Deshotel: Poor judgment on my part. Now what do you want to ask me?

BC: Thanks. What does Black History Month mean to you?

JD: It’s an opportunity to review the many contributions that African Americans have made to this nation. Despite arriving in this country as second class citizens – mere property, really – blacks have reached the top ranks in the business, education, medical and entertainment industries. A true American success story.

BC: You’re being modest. Blacks also dominate sports.

JD: There are many African-American athletes who have excelled in their chosen sport and in turn given a lot back to their respective communities.

BC: You bet. They also seem to score a lot of white women.

JD: Not sure about that.

BC: Trust me. Not that I’m that huge on white women. They tend to be bitches whose thighs get chunky.

JD: No comment.

BC: Bet white women hit on you all the time.

JD: I’m a happily married family man who runs a business, practices law, serves in the Legislature and is active in community and church endeavors.

BC: That’s impressive. You probably got white, black, Hispanic and Asian girls all over you.

JD: No.

BC: But what about Jewish chicks? That’s a tough nut to crack, don’t you think?

JD: Ask me something about public policy, or this interview is over.

BC: Sorry. I got sidetracked. What does being black in America mean today?

JD: I certainly cannot speak for the entire race. But in my opinion, there’s a responsibility to give back to the community. Many of us had limited opportunities. You have to use the opportunities you do have, do your best and be a role model. And give back. Make a difference.

BC: That’s inspiring. How come Barak Obama gets to be the first black president before I do?

JD: Well, I have yet to express a presidential preference. Also, you’re not a U.S. Senator from a large state, nor are you black.

BC: Horse hockey! I may not be a U.S. Senator, but I am DEFINITELY black.

JD: I don’t know about your background, but let’s say you don’t really look African American to the naked eye. You also seem to be woefully unqualified to be president.

BC: I’ll buy the unqualified deal. But I am very very black.

JD: Okay. Do you have another question?

BC: Sure, Mr. Chairman. Do you think it’s fair that they guy who invented the peanut didn’t get to be President but some goober – excuse the pun – peanut farmer got to live in the White House?

JD: I think you’re talking about George Washington Carver, one of the greatest American inventors, who, for some reason, you white people think invented the peanut. What’s up with that?

BC: Didn’t he?

JD: No.

BC: My bad. But please stop calling me “white.” It’s an insult. Anyway, what special stuff are you going to do for Black History Month at the Capitol?

JD: I have several groups of school children who will coming to Austin, touring our Capitol, learning about the legislative process and hearing from a number of my colleagues in the Legislature. This is in conjunction with Black History Month, and I hope it provides a perspective of what young people – young people of all races – can aspire to, and how they can make a difference in their community and their world.

BC: I’m sorry. Wasn’t listening at all. Can you repeat that?

JD: No. Don’t you have some place to be?

BC: Nope. Spare time is my friend. But let me ask you this, if I may. Besides spearheading the House’s economic development programs, working on long-term strategies to address the state’s transportation needs, playing a key role in setting the leadership’s agenda, and serving as a negotiator with the Senate, what are you gonna do this session?

JD: Avoiding you would appear to be a high priority. No offense.

BC: None taken. But I do like hanging out in your office and watching the closed circuit teevee. Your staff is great. But you don’t have any Jewish chicks. Can we return to that topic?

JD: Bye.

ANNA NICOLE, BILLY CLYDE AND THE SUPERTRIFECTA

2007-02-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

This past year or so has been downright awful for living Texans.

Another of our Favorite Daughters, Miss Anna Nicole Smith, left us this afternoon. This technically has nothing to do with Lone Star State government or politics, but please indulge Billy Clyde while he walks down Mammary Lane and reflects on the life and times of Mexia's most famous fast food waitress.

BC first met Vicky -- the stage name she used at the time -- in about 1995 during a Grand Opening Party at the Sam Houston Race Park over there on the Beltway between U.S. 290 and I-45 in northern Harris County. If memory serves (rather unlikely), we were in the TransTexas Gas suite. Vicky was tall and big-boned and rather intimidating at first. But we really hit it off.

They were serving those jalapeno/shrimp/bacon appetizers that, if prepared properly, are just outstanding. Anyway, Vicky apparently enjoys that dish every bit as much as Billy Clyde does, so we bonded for life.

Our host, a certain Senator who shall remain nameless (Don Henderson) told me that Vicky was a fairly well-known celebrity in Houston. She was a featured performer at Gigi's and The Treasure Chest and even made guest appearances at Rick's Cabaret. Things were clearly going her way.

I haven't seen her again, but she went on to great fame in the pole dancing, men's magazine, film, probate and television industries. Just recently, Anna Nicole generated a lot of media interest when she had a new baby girl and her son died in the hospital room at that Bahamian maternity ward and lots of people claimed to be the baby daddy and she found herself in yet another round of complex litigation. Little known fact: Elvis' coroner is somehow involved in that deal, but I can't recall the details.

BC likes to focus on the positive -- the good times -- when one of our own leaves this temporary spot on Earth and moves on to the The Promised Land. So with your blessing, please permit me to recall those three quality hours I spent at the track with Anna Nicole Smith.

First, she did not seem ditzy at all. I think that's a marketing deal. I found her bright and quick-witted with a wonderful life story and a limitless future. Unlike every other male human in the box that afternoon, I did not proposition her. On some level, she probably is just not my type. Plus, I wanted to get to know her as a person.

Second, we shared a friend from her home county of Limestone (or maybe Mexia is in Ellis County -- look it up). She knew Dickie Flatt, the world's most famous commercial printer, and used to serve him at the yard bird joint she worked at. Dickie was a client of mine, so naturally we swapped stories and became family.

For years, BC has been thinking about contacting her. You know, get reacquainted. Woulda Coulda Shoulda. It's always during tragic times like this that you kick yourself in the behind for not picking up the phone or dropping a note. Sorry, Anna Nicole. But I never forgot you.

On what I promise to be the absolute last note here, BC saw Ms. Smith on the television last year when the Supreme Court of the Whole United States heard one of her cases. I think she won, too -- though that's beside the point. She looked really good. She had straight hair that highlighted her natural beauty.

Anna Nicole had that same look back when she and BC became dear friends at the TTG suite at the racetrack over shrimp/jalapeno hors d'oeuvre. I'll miss you babe. And again, sorry for not calling.

UPDATE: A semi-retired pipeline lobbyist who was in the suite that day says that (1) my timeline is off by a year or two (well, surprise surprise) and (2) Governor George W. Bush was in the suite that day. Seems like I would remember if the Governor were there, but I'll take his word on it. Mainly because it now gives this post a state government angle.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT; ANYTHING YOU FIND IN THE HOOTERS' DUMPTER SEVEN STATES AWAY CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU

2007-02-06T21:38:00.000-05:00

Since this is Billy Clyde's first time on the Pulitzer Prize Judging Committee, he didn't want to stir things up too much.

Just went with the flow and granted the Spot News Award to the San Antonio Express-News -- despite its dropping of Wingo, the only thing I ever really enjoyed about the E-N -- because this is such a fabulous story. But like all great stuff -- Blue Bell, strip bars, lobster, long walks on the moonlit beach -- everything could be better. With that in mind, I offer my humble parenthetical comments on what, without doubt, is the year's best non-astronaut news story.
__

He found a fortune by Hooters' trash bin?
Web Posted: 02/04/2007 10:57 PM CST
Jesse Bogan

Rio Grande Valley Bureau ALTON — In the wake of getting pulled over with nearly $1 million in cash stowed in his new pickup and his subsequent resignation as a Hidalgo County sheriff's deputy, Emmanuel Sanchez sheepishly tried to explain where the money came from. (You gotcha a million in cash, and you head to Alton?! Dude, ever heard of Cabo San Lucas?)

His "head was just crazy" after he found the fortune near a Dumpster outside a Hooters restaurant in Atlanta, he said. (Know the feeling. Billy Clyde has never frequented a Hooters without doing a little Dumpster Diving. Been there, done that.)

"Hiding it was my mistake," said Sanchez, 30, his voice trailing off. "But, oh well, it's rough." (You FOUND the dough in the dumpster; why was it a mistake?)

Initially saying he didn't understand English, he granted an interview from his front yard in a neighborhood here bordered by orange groves. (I often forget which languages I speak.)

Residences range from beaten-down trailers to posh homes like Sanchez's, which had a few late-model vehicles parked out front and a side building for cookouts where two men traded accordion riffs. (Swanky, upscale subdivisions are generally populated by 30-year-old deputy sheriffs in poor border counties.)

(editors note: Neither the reference to orange groves nor the throw-away mention of "trading accordion riffs" -- two important topics you don't hear much about these days in your major dailies -- appear to have nothing whatsoever to do with the story. But nice touch. I admire reporters who can sneak totally banal stuff by their editors.)

Georgia state police stopped Sanchez late at night Jan. 6 about 40 miles west of Atlanta on a busy interstate for not staying in his lane and having an improper trailer license tag light, according to an incident report. (Racial profiling.)

He was pulling a trailer loaded with a small bulldozer called a Bobcat. Sanchez displayed his peace officer's badge and told a trooper he has a landscaping business, had bought the Bobcat on the Internet and was taking it back to the Rio Grande Valley. (Sounds like a long way to travel for a Bobcat, but the Valley's Internet savvy wealthy landscaping law enforcement officers are an industrious bunch.)

But the story didn't jibe with that of his passenger, Eric Simon Vela, 28, who told police they were picking it up from Sanchez's uncle. (My word! Twenty hours in the car together, and you didn't synchronize your stories. Was the stuff on the radio THAT interesting?)

Sanchez denied there was anything illegal in the truck, a white 2006 F-350 dually, and said, "It's all yours," when asked if they could search it, according to the report. (Dually = Babe Magnet.)

Handed a consent form to sign, he asked if the search was really necessary. The state trooper assured him it was. ("I assure you this is necessary to find your contraband and arrest your ass.")

When officers found a black duffle bag on the back seat with $16,000 in loose currency, Sanchez got angry and withdrew consent to continue the search, according to the report. But K-9 Misty alerted to the doors, one of them noticeably heavier than normal, giving officers probable cause to search. (Georgia has dogs than can measure the weight of automobile doors?? Why doesn't Texas have these Superdogs?)

Police seized a total of $950,435, mostly in 20s, found in the truck. Sanchez told police he found it near a Dumpster at the restaurant. (That's something like 50,000 twenties. Wow.)

He was let go with a warning on the traffic violation, but if he wants the money back, he will have to argue in court that he acquired it legally. (Billy Clyde is seriously confused. Is cash illegal in Georgia?)

"I am going to check to get it back. I don't know," Sanchez said. "I haven't hired a lawyer." (Uh, that hiring a lawyer thing is probably a good idea.)

He said he hid the loot because he knew if police found him with it, they would take it away. (Which, evidently, they did. Is this standard police protocol?)

Asked why he resigned from the sheriff's office afterwards, he said, "I never did anything bad at the county. I had already wanted to leave." (In Hidalgo County, you vest at age 30.)

He's been a licensed peace officer since 1999. He briefly worked for the La Joya (recognized eight years running as the Cleanest City Government In The World) Police Department that year, then as a patrol officer the past three years at the Hidalgo County (recognized nine years running as the Cleanest County Government In The World) Sheriff's Department, where he took multiple courses through its academy on topics such as identity theft, special investigative topics, cultural diversity, and asset forfeiture, according to records on file at the Texas Commission On Law Enforcement Officer Standards And Education. (Apparently TCLOSE doesn't offer a course on Successful Interstate Cash Hauling Strategies.)

There were no records of any disciplinary action taken against Sanchez. (Natch.)

Sheriff Lupe Treviño said his department is cooperating with Georgia authorities and U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. (Cooperating = Code for: might consider returning their calls.)

"We are doing a lot about it, but only so much can be said," Treviño said. (I totally buy the part about not saying much. But put me down in the skeptical category on the "doing a lot about it" front.)

He said his office launched an "inquiry" into Sanchez's work history and friendships in the department. But apart from a brother who is a detention officer, he said, not many deputies knew Sanchez well. (And by "didn't know well," they mean they never knew he worked there.)

"He didn't socialize with many people in the department," he said. "I guess he was really too preoccupied with his other endeavors, or the other whatever you want to call them." (As a rather curious news consumer, I would REALLY like to know what those "other endeavors" are.)

Peter John Skandalakis, the district attorney for five counties south and west of Atlanta, including Carroll County, where Sanchez was pulled over on Interstate 20, said by phone that the highway is a common route for eastbound shipments of marijuana and the type of methamphetamine known as "Mexican ice." (I bet he is one vindictive prosecutor. He had to attend elementary school as the son of Mrs. Skandalkis. Just think of the opportunities that presented the playground bullies.)

Other South Texans arrested in Carroll County in recent months are Anselmo Contreras, 24, and Lucio Medina, 41, of Harlingen. They were arrested last August after deputies found a secret compartment in the tractor-trailer rig they were driving — but no currency or narcotics, according to the incident report. (So the cops in Georgia arrest you for driving without drugs and money, but set you free if you have a million in cash in a duffle bag you found in a Hooters dumpster. More context, please.)

Told of Sanchez's account of where he found the money, Skandalakis said, "I don't believe that for a second. It's too implausible." (Seems like Skandalakis is still so traumatized over his last name that he can't suspend belief -- if only for a moment.)

Now that he's no longer a deputy, Sanchez said he might start selling used cars again, buying the vehicles from afar and bringing them to the border, which is a common business here. He said he planned to continue selling construction equipment and was optimistic that his landscaping business, San Co, would heat up when good weather returned. (This paragraph is WAY more disjointed than anything Billy Clyde has ever written. And that's saying a LOT. Are Mexican nationals now stealing cars and bringing them to McAllen? And Sanchez thinks stealing Bobcats in Atlanta and selling them in Hidalgo County is a successful business strategy? And why does this newly retired millionaire look forward to clear skies and warmer weather for a prospective lawn-mowing business. No comprende.)

He called off the interview when his family, including young children, arrived in a new SUV, parking near the white pickup that had been searched in Georgia, and according to records, was bought with financing there. (Of all the questions I want answered here, the absolute LAST one is whether Mr. Sanchez got a 24-month note at 13 percent APR through GMAC.)

jbogan@express-news.net

News Researcher Michael Knoop contributed to this report.

BILLY CLYDE vs. RICK PERRY: WHO IS MORE LIKE FONZIE?

2007-02-06T16:48:00.000-05:00

Took a well-deserved break from mindless glad-handing and chattering to watch our great Governor, Mr. Rick Perry, tell us about the State of Our State on the closed-circuit television network.

If you want to know about the substance of the speech ... well, there are plenty of places to go for that stuff. But if you want to know about the style aspect, then Billy Clyde is your Answer Man. Can't help but be impressed with how good Texas' Supreme Leader has gotten in the speechifying department. He's right up there with Big John Connally and Barak Obama.

The really earth-shattering deal is how well versed he is on pop culture and other modern, relevant entertainment sorta stuff. Now anyone can go out and get himself a fancy haircut and some rapper-style jogging suits and memorize a few little gestures picked up from hanging around some frat guys for a few minutes. And yes, he has all that stuff down pat.

But it's the hip references that he throws out there so effortlessly that really gets my goat. And has me wondering: Is Rick Perry cooler than Billy Clyde?

During the Inaugural Ball a few weeks ago, Perry made a reference to "Ricky Bobby." I later learned that this was a rhetorical allusion to a fictional race car driver in a recent feature film. RP: 1; BC: 0.

On the downside, he sang with Ted Nugent, a marginally talented '70s metal guitarist who specializes in songs about herpes. Not.That.Cool. Governor Perry had previously joined the stage with marginally talented actor Russell Crowe, whose band is indescribably awful. Billy Clyde would have known better -- on both counts.

Then today, he mentioned Festivus (I knew this one!) and talked at great length about his fascination with vaginas (me too!) but didn't utter a word about Lindsay Lohan or Brittany Spears or Paris Hilton and their vaginas. No way Billy Clyde would let that kind of low-hanging fruit stay on the tree.

(Don't even get me started about Perry's total obliviousness to Leah and Melissa's smash hit "My Box In A Box.")
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xElIik0Ys0

Our Governor kept up his fixation on cancer. Guess when your prostate is scheduled to turn 57 years old this spring and you have the bully pulpit, it only makes sense to use that pulpit to your prostate's advantage. And to demonstrate his role as a Uniter Not Divider he remained silent on Texas A&M University's rather severe ass kicking of the Longhorn's last night. Class move, Gov. Gracias.

You know the really sad part? Why should Billy Clyde be concerned about his coolness vis-a-vis Rick Perry, of all people. It's not like climbing Mount Everest or landing on Mars. We're talking about clearing a kiddie hurdle.

UPDATE: Shouldn't have mentioned Mars. Yes, I heard all about the girl astronaut in Houston who put on diapers and drove all night to Florida to murder another girl astronaut who was part of her NASA love triangle. And no, for national security reasons (do you want the cosmonauts to win?!) I cannot comment. Except to say this: When it comes to steamy three-ways, astronaut three-ways are the BEST.

DON'T BOX ME IN

2007-02-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

This will be brief. I gotta go to breakfast. I mean work.

No opinion here -- none whatsoever -- on Governor Perry's decision to give little girls whore medicine on the taxpayers' nickel. Billy Clyde is not a physician, a parent, or a shareholder in pharmaceutical stocks (except, presumably, via broad-based mutual funds reflective of the entire market).

But I know dirty, filthy television when I see it. Over the Christmas period, the blasphemists over at Saturday Night Live aired a vile video about, uh, creative holiday gifts. For strictly informational purposes, I'll provide you a link, just so you know how juvenile it is. Also to give you the three easy steps. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dmVU08zVpA)

A wholesome lass has produced a much more melodic version that promotes the spirit of giving without all the nasty penis references. She, unlike those SNL people, will surely go to Heaven. Check out her song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xElIik0Ys0) and website (www.myboxinabox.com) and plan to join me when (and if) she comes to Austin to be honored by an Official House Resolution (Goolsby has already agreed to move that all members' names be added) that I hope to convince Representative Kolkhorst to carry.

This is the best song ever recorded. And just in time for Valentine's Day.

(Yes, KCD, this is for you.)

I'M CHEVY CHASE AND YOU'RE NOT

2007-02-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

In an effort to give you kind souls a comprehensive review of this week's goings on at the Capitol, Billy Clyde is pleased to provide you with his Week In Review.

This is what happened:

Thank you for your continued interest.

UPDATE 1: No, there is not something I "missed" or "left out." The above is a total recapitulation of everything that went down this week.

UPDATE 2: Yes. If temperatures drop precipitously over the next day or so, then some more grackles WILL die on Congress Avenue this weekend. May I suggest purchasing store-bought grackles for your Super Bowl festivities -- just to be on the safe side.

UPDATE 3: Of course I realize that we are officially into Black History Month. The Honorable Joe Deshotel will be our focus this year. Believe me, you don't want to miss this. You will be BEGGING for less Joe Deshotel news by the time March 1 rolls around.

Two of BC's other African-American legislative heroes, Representative Harold Dutton and Senator Kenneth "Kim" Brimer, will also be featured. (SIDEBAR: BC violated his own No-Research Rule today and did a little checking. Although they look black, Senators John Carona, Royce West and Kip Averrit are all actually Lithuanians. Representative Will Hartnett, on the other hand, looks Lithuanian but is actually black. Billy Clyde is a honkey, but has always wanted to be black. Although lately he wishes he were a black Jew, like Sammy Davis, Jr.)

UPDATE 4: This is SCORCHING hot news. Not even the Associated Press or The Drudge Report has it yet!

BC's very dear judicial friend told him this evening that her very good judicial friend told her that his very, very, very good judicial friend said that outgoing White House Counsel Harriet Miers will NOT be running for Governor in 2010! Nor is she interested in any elected position at all.

She wants to be "of counsel" to a Washington or Dallas or Austin firm and oversee administrative law stuff. Which is better than being on the U.S. Supreme Court, but not as good as being an adjunct professor at Southern Methodist University. Although the SMU deal could conceivably still happen.

UPDATE 5: Let's put this foul-smelling rumor to rest. No. Billy Clyde has ZERO interest in Katie Couric's job. It hasn't been offered, and I wouldn't accept. So please stop the gossip.

I'LL GLADLY MAKE YOU A TEE TIME ON JUNE 1 FOR A CHEESEBURGER TODAY

2007-02-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

Call me old school, but I have a tendency to take people at their word.

If Billy Clyde is motoring through some strange town and needs directions to the nearest Dairy Queen, he pulls over to a gas station and asks someone. If that person says, "Take a left at that vacant lot, then go a spell until you hit the old junior high practice field, where you take a right and go up the hill past Old Man Johnson's place and you'll see it about one street over on the left behind that patch of pecan trees," then I follow the directions to the letter.

With that sort of specificity, you gotta assume that this friendly local knows PRECISELY where the Dairy Queen is, so you thank this person several times and make make your way toward the BeltBuster stand.

Well, several people -- people who know every bit as much about the legislative process as that hypothetical direction-giver knows about the location of the Dairy Queen -- told me this morning that Representative Fred Hill is genuinely perplexed that the main appraisal cap bill, HB 190, got referred to Big Ways and Means, and not Local and Pretend Ways and Means. I scanned the room looking for Chairman Hill but didn't spot him. And it's not my issue or really that important anyway.

But if Mr. Hill expressed extreme bewilderment, then doubtless it's sincere bewilderment. It also means that Mr. Hill is the only person in North American who didn't just ASSUME that those types of bills would be sent to the real Ways and Means Committee. The tykes at the neighborhood day care center -- the ones who have yet to master the simplest of bodily functions -- have been sitting around speculating that appraisal cap legislation would be referred to Chairman Keffer's panel.

BC is in the camp that believes appraisal reform, while important, lacks traction this session. BC is also in the camp that believes we may have a verification vote on a Memorial Resolution in the not-so-distant future -- particularly if the dead honoree had, during his living days, ever heard the name "Jimmy Dunnam" or "Beverly Woolley."

Far be it from me to ever criticize the leader of the Best State in the World's Best Nation. But Billy Clyde was smooth-assed floored when Governor Rick Perry tapped Dallas gadfly Tom Pauken to head the ad valorem tax appraisal reform task force. Don't have anything against the gentleman personally; just not the name that spontaneously jumps into my head when I think "consensus builder."

This issue is of supreme importance to hundreds, maybe thousands, of Republican primary voters in small pockets of Harris, Montgomery, Fort Bend, and Brazoria counties. But so what? In all likelihood, Governor Perry won't ever face the electorate again. Were I in his shoes, I would take actions much more controversial than appointing Mr. Pauken to a meaningless committee. I'd do all sorts of heavy-handed extralegal tyrannical stuff on a wide array of issues, both to push my narrow personal agenda and to just sorta jack with the system for amusement value. That's why Billy Clyde should never be granted authority over much more than getting a tee time.

This brings me to the critical juncture where it's time to make a point. (Give me a second, please: Dairy Queens, Fred Hill, establishing fair market values on real property for purposes of establishing the effective tax rate, dead people resolutions, reading and referral of bills -- uh, I seem to lack a common thread.)

Okay, let's try this. If it takes three hours to not adopt a meaningless House Resolution, and eight hours to go through a pro-forma vote for Speaker, and ten hours to settle on House rules that are virtually identical to decades of previous House rules ...

Then Bill Clyde predicts that a substantive, on-the-merits floor debate on appraisal restrictions will take approximately two months. And that, my buddies, leaves us just enough time to adjourn sine die.

So I better make that tee time today.

IF YOU HAD 30 VOTES IN YOUR POCKET, AND WANTED TO MUCK STUFF UP ...

2007-01-30T10:34:00.000-05:00

In Billy Clyde's little hometown Municipal Utility District, junior high school students would show their rebellious side by wrapping someone's yard.

This involved throwing rolls of toilet paper into hardwood trees (it's hard to wrap pine trees) and laughing uncontrollably all the way home, knowing that Johnny Law or the owner of the home could be hot on your trail. Dangerous, exhilarating, but, ultimately, rather harmless.

Kinda like this morning's vote in the House to suspend Article 3, Section 5, of the Texas Constitution so this Legislature can start getting a little traction.

Speaker Tom Craddick announced last week that the House had successfully approved this normally routine, perfunctory motion "every session except for one." Not sure if that meant in the history of the state or just since he got here (basically the same period of time) but he stated it with great authority, so it must be true. BC can't remember the House tying its own arms behind it own backs before by knocking down this motion. But then again, Billy Clyde doesn't pay real close attention sometimes.

Folks around the Capitol refer to this as the "60-day rule." The Texas Constitution has checks and balances on its checks and balances, and this is a prime example. Since Northern Reconstructionists are no longer a major threat to state government, the House simply ignores this provision and suspends the Constitutional rule. The invention of the automobile also played a role in making this rule unnecessary.

Anyway, the aginners in the House have sensed that the Speaker cares about this vote and believe it will promote efficiency and progress. So, naturally, they are opposed. The permanent opposition (Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Jim Dunnam, JohnCornyn'sBoxTurtle, et al) has decided to Make A Point. Stand Up And Be Counted. Take Me Down To Funky Town.

If you look at past House Daily Calendars for the month of February (something that BC hasn't done; this is a Research-Free Zone) it's all a big pile of nothing. Some Sunset bills, a few non-controversial measures, an emergency item here or there. Frankly, I wouldn't want a bill I cared about on a February calendar. You're just asking for ill-informed show-boating.

So if this motion -- which requires a hard 120 votes -- fails today, there are two main options. One, suspend on a bill-by-bill basis. The problem with this strategy is that it promotes future ill-informed show-boating.

Billy Clyde prefers Option 2, which is a little bit wacky on the surface but makes great sense.

BC suggests that the Speaker should phone up Governor Perry and ask, in a nice and polite sorta way, to please designate House Bill 1 through House Bill 3000 as Emergency Items, thereby making the 60-day rule meaningless. Not only would this achieve the leadership's objective, it would have the added benefit of being funny. And Lord knows the Texas House needs more funny.

For whatever reasons (my slight mental retardation?), our high elected officials rarely take my advice anymore. That's fine. Just when the term "thinking outside the box" made its way into our nation's nomenclature, Billy "Thinking Outside The Box" Clyde fell out of favor. That's fine.

If the House leadership thinks my strategy is full of shit as a Christmas turkey, then so be it. But I have Anita Perry's cell number. And I'm NOT afraid of using it.

POSTING FOR NO REAL REASON

2007-01-28T13:38:00.000-05:00

ITEM ONE
James Huffines and wife Patty celebrate the Longhorns' victory Saturday night with former Cameron County Judge Tony Garza, the pride of Brownsville.

Texas beat Baylor in a hard-fought battle before a near sell-out crowd at the Frank Erwin Center. Erwin, you may recall, was the longtime Chairman of the UT System Board of Regents, a position now held by Huffines, who you may recall was the Governor's appointments secretary in the late 1980s.

Garza, you may recall, is the U.S. Ambassador to Mexico and a former Secretary of State and Railroad Commissioner. He married the wealthiest woman in the Republic of Mexico, so things are going his way.

Huffines is an Austin banker and the product of the Collin County Huffines family, which owns a regional car dealing cartel. Garza's family also sorta comes from the automotive industry; his dad ran a gas station.

ITEM TWO
Before brunch (more on that later) this morning, I perused our local daily and came across this interesting one-step-removed-from-first-person quote allegedly uttered by former Dallasite Dick Cheney's former main man Scooter Libby about the former Sage of Shoal Creek Boulevard, Karl Rove. For some reason, I found it intriguing.

"They're trying to set me up. They want to be the sacrificial lamb. I will not be sacrificed so Karl Rove can be protected."

Good golly Miss Molly! Them's some tough words.

Now, Billy Clyde has gotten on Karl's bad side a few times. And it's not a pleasant experience. But after you apologize and swear to go forth and do good, he usually lets it slide. Though I acknowledge that Rove's response is generally totally out of proportion to the alleged transgression. To each their own.

Anyway, let's hope that this Libby trial doesn't reflect poorly on us Texans. We gotta stick together, cuz the rest of the country is out to get us.

On a somewhat related note, Tarrant County's Bob Schieffer said this morning on his little gab show that Midland County's George W. Bush is doing poorly in the public opinion surveys. If this is true, it's probably because a lot of Americans have buyers' remorse over the war in Iraq. Don't know that for a fact, but that's BC's guess.

P.S. Does anyone know if newsman Schieffer's brother, former Texas House member Tom, is still the U.S. Ambassador to Japan? Just wondering.

ITEM THREE
Alright, now back to brunch.

If you've spent much time in Tuscon, then you've probably eaten at the TerraCotta Grille, a casual restauarant conveniently located in a shopping center. I'm partial to the TerraCotta's egg enchiladas, which are simply unparalleled.

Anyway, Trudy's now has a very-similar menu item called miga enchiladas. Ordered it this morning and found it great. If you like eggs, corn tortillas, chipolte sauce and black beans, you will dig this dish.

UPDATE
Meant to put this in the original post, but my Alzheimers kicked in and I plum forgot.

The Weather Channel (channel 350 for those on the Austin Time Warner system) is debuting its feature about last year's Panhandle fires tonight at 8:30 pm. Should be some pretty good watching. The Weather Channel will replay it a few times later in the week, but I can't remember exactly when.

I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN REGULATED INDUSTRIES AND RULES AND RESOLUTIONS

2007-01-26T20:24:00.000-05:00

Quiet, please.
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Billy Clyde hears you. Loud. And. Clear.

Kindly remember that the Hot Tub Party franchise entails so much more than just writing this blog. There's the television series and its inevitable spin-offs, the music label, the independent film production company, product placement, overseas speaking engagements, tell-all books, NASCAR sponsorships, infomercials, etc.

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Just today I had FOUR -- count 'em FOUR -- meetings at the Capitol after lunch. On a Friday afternoon. After I had the Acapulco Dinner at Neuvo Leon ($8.95, plus iced tea; always get the chicken taco and the cheese enchilada to maximize your dining pleasure).

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Now before you get all excited, I know many of you are thinking: Billy Clyde! Your doctors told you that eating stuff like that will kill you. I refer you to my paternal grandfather, who lived into his nineties. Back when he was in his spritely mid-70s, we used to sit at his kitchen table and consume massive bowls of Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla. And he would tell me, "The doctors say this will kill me," as he shoved a heaping spoonful in his mouth. And, after waiting a few seconds, would say, "Guess they're lying. I'm still here." Man that was funny.

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Anyway, after suffering through those grueling meetings, BC needed him a Friday evening nap. Which you people so rudely denied me.

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Would it absolutely KILL you if I wait until morning to comment on the House committee assignments? Have you no patience? Whatever, here's the short version.

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First, remember that the attractiveness of committee assignments -- much like the attractiveness of members of the opposite sex -- is a matter of individual taste. Amongst myriad reasons Billy Clyde would never run for the Legislature is the nightmare scenario that the electorate would totally fall asleep, elect him, and the Speaker would, in a cruel display of outright sadism, appoint him to the House Committee on Appropriations. Yet believe it or not, some non-freshmen members (Lois Kolkhorst, Dan Gattis) actually seek this appointment. Go figure.

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For the record, my wish list would, in order, be: Local and Consent Calendars, Licensing and Administrative Procedures, Natural Resources, Big Calendars, Regulated Industries and Higher Education. Don't really give an ape's ass about the rest of those committees -- but others do, and I respect their (wrong-headed) positions.

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(editors note: Several courteous readers pointed out that perhaps I should include the list. Okay.)
http://www.telicon.com/www/tx/rep/80RHCommit.pdf

So here is my first-blush look at winners and losers:
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WINNERS
Corbin Van Arsdale -- State Affairs (CBO), Appropriations, Calendars
Sounds better than it really is, but DAMN!

Ryan Guillen -- Appropriations (Vice Chair aka conference seat); Natural Resources; Calendars
This guy gets it. If you are a twenty-something that wakes up elected to the Texas House, go get freshman lessons from the Ryanater.

Aaron Pena -- Criminal Jurisprudence (Chairman); Ways and Means
This former aspiring Democratic Party Chairman shifted sites, got elected to the House, and now chairs a committee he actually cares about. And he is widely recognized as the world's leading blogger.

Patrick Rose -- Human Services (Chairman); Higher Education
Have no earthly idea what goes on in Human Services, but he and the lovely and talented Donna Howard (freshman on Higher Ed; you rock Donna!) of Travis County may team up and finally give the University of Texas a fighting chance in the Legislature. About time.

Fred Brown -- Higher Education (CBO); Appropriations; Local and Consent
Governor Rose and Representative Howard of Travis, please don't let this Aggie snooker you. It's two against one. Take. Him. Out.

John Otto -- Ways and Means (CBO); Appropriations
This tax consultant gets to oversee the Comptroller and her budget. Sweet.

Dianne Patrick -- Public Education; Higher Education; Local and Consent
She apparently is big on education. She also seems nice, which is a big bonus on Local and Consent. You go girl.

Eddie Lucio IV -- Environmental Regulation (CBO); Appropriations; Local and Consent
Have known him since he was in high school. So proud of this former Texas Tech golfer for embracing Billy Clyde's motto: Change Is Bad.

Mike "Tuffy" Hamilton -- Natural Resources; Licensing and Administrative Procedures; Calendars
TOLD YOU!! HA HA! Guess the joke's on you people, huh? The guy is good.

Joe Deshotel -- Economic Development (Chair); Transportation
Something told Billy Clyde that Joe would come out smelling much better than his district. Transportation spot an added bonus, as TXDOT attempts to maintain tricky balance when high-quality Texas roads meet 100-year-old Louisiana caliche.

THE "I DON'T GET IT" TRANSITION AWARD
House Committee on Civil Practices -- If you'd been listening to the frequently-wrong-but-never-in-doubt fundraiser circuit chatter the past eight months or so, no doubt you would have thought that the future of the Lone Star State rested in the hands of this committee:

Byron Cook (WTF!), Chair
Mark Strama, (TLR cousin or something or another) Vice Chair
Sid Miller (WTF!)
Beverely Woolley (on it last session, but don't know why)
Robert Talton (on it last session, and is feeling his oats)
Richard Raymond (on it last session, but still, WTF!)
Phil King (is he with the trials of the tort reformer dudes?)
Jerry Madden (WTF!)

What happened? Are these typos? This, my brothers and sisters, is something I cannot explain.

SPECIAL CATEGORY
I COULDA BEEN A CHAIRMAN
Norma Chavez (gavel didn't feel right in her hand)

Dan Gattis (desired more 18-hour days in Appropriations for his constituents who don't WANT any state money)

Dwayne Bohac (Elections and Redistricting were more important to you!!!)

Richard Raymond (please explain again why you took all that political risk over the long haul just to abandon it at the finish line)

Honorable Mention: Allan Ritter, Robert Talton, Jim Pitts, Brian McCall, Craig Eiland.

LOSERS
Buddy "George" West -- see above comments re: Richard Raymond

Mike Villarreal -- why do you hate prosperity??

2007 PAUL HILBERT AWARD
The Honorable Todd Smith of Tarrant

There are certain people who are talented, smart, understand the system, get elected over and over -- yet never get their chance.

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As sure as the sun rises in the east (or is it west; no, it's east) there is always a member or two like this. I should know, since they usually tend to be friends whom I must feed, comfort and nurture for the several hours after committee assignments are announced. Billy Clyde ain't gonna name names, but he is/was pretty good friends with Mike Jackson, Frank Madla, Harold Dutton (yeah, I know, he's got his little family law committee FINALLY), Rick Perry, Cliff Johnson, et al. For some reason, these talented people never get to be called Mr. Chairman.

BC has casually suggested Representative Smith's name to two different Speakers, and both acted like a light bulb went off in their noggins and, by God, why didn't I think of that. But then nothing happened.

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So while Billy Clyde extends his sincerest (I'm actually serious in this one, and only one, sentence) best wishes to Byron Cook and Leo Berman and Joe Deshotel and Vicki Truitt ...

You could do much much worse than just saying, "I wanna be like Paul Hilbert." Who was happy 253 days out of the year. Except the one day when committee assignments came out

I'M MAKING A LIST, CHECKING IT TWICE ...

2007-01-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

You gotta give the people what they want.

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I had reserved this bandwidth Internet blog space for an in-depth analysis of President Bush's State of the Union Speech. But all my readers care about are House committee assignments.

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So, despite Billy Clyde's better judgment, he will preemptively announce the new House committee assignments, which I can tell you, with 100-percent absolute certitude, will come out tomorrow (or maybe next Thursday).

AGRICULTURE AND LIVESTOCK
Dudley Harrison
The rural and recently departed members have been under-represented for years
Winners: Sheep
Losers: People who need a new tractor or Chevy in the greater Sanderson area

APPROPRIATIONS
Foster Whaley
It's about time someone from Pampa ran the spending panel
Winners: Stock knives
Losers: Gonads

BORDER AND INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
The Honorable Tony Parra
El Paso deserves this fine committee
Winners: Cross-toting convicted AIDS victims
Losers: Gilbert Serna fans

BUSINESS AND INDUSTRY
Helen Giddings
She ain't done nothing wrong
Winners: CVS hair product section
Losers: Bill Hammond

CALENDARS
Nancy Fisher
No need to go through the motions, let's roll!
Winners: Allan Ritter
Losers: Most everyone, including Allan Ritter

CIVIL PRACTICES
Patrick Rose
It's about time, dammit!
Winners: People of of the great state of Texas
Losers: Not a damn soul

CORRECTIONS
Jerry Madden
Someone slipped this guy a statesman pill
Winners: Nerds
Losers: Cool people

CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE
Aaron Pena
He'll be sorry he asked for this chairmanship
Winners: Bloggers
Losers: His more-tenured unsophisticated colleagues who still don't get it

CULTURAL, RECREATION AND TOURISM
H. Ray Hildebran
He wants it, and you don't care
WINNERS: Oshman's
LOSERS: Tipton Ross (still)

DEFENSE AFFAIRS AND STATE-FEDERAL RELATIONS
Donald Rumsfield
Corte is a mere colonel
Winners: Freedom
Losers: Cut-and-run weenies

ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT
Lois Kolkhorst
Former Chamber exec just oozes new jobs
Winners: Blue Bell
Losers: Dumbass Grimes County water district opponents

ELECTIONS
Jim Dunnam (just kidding)
Dwayne Bohac
Will keep him from interfering with important stuff
Winners: Hair gel lobby
Losers: Mary Denny (she forgot to file)

ENERGY RESOURCES
Fred Brown
No real reason; a "why not?" deal
Winners: Renewable resources for tanning booths
Losers: Steve Ogden (take THAT!)

ENVIRONMENTAL RESOURCES
Dennis "The Menace" Bonnen
Somehow he hasn't messed this thing up
Winners: Dow
Losers: Hair plug lobby

FINANCIAL INSTITUIONS
Kenny Marchant
Realized he had good deal in '90s
Winners: Credit unions
Losers: Burt Solomons (new touchy-feely Craddick has to bust one of his own)

GENERAL INVESTIGATING AND ETHICS
Joe Deshotel
Beaumont and ethics go together like mustard and peanut butter
Winners: Kevin Bailey (free at last!)
Losers: Mark Stiles

GOVERNMENT REFORM
Tracy King
Chairman's per diem without the pesky meetings
Winners: Tracy King
Losers: Out-of-state hearing aid interlopers

HIGHER EDUCATION
Wilhelmina Delco
Geanie Morrison decided to play bridge w/Anna Mowery, et al (see below)
Winners: Huston-Tilston
Losers: Higher ed lobby

HOUSE ADMINISTRATION
Dawnna Dukes
Will institute strict, yet very stylish, new dress code (sorry, Tuffy)
Winners: Neiman Marcus; tasteful furniture retailers
Losers: Central Austin hippie crybabies

HUMAN SERVICES
John Davis
Understands fundamental truth that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile
Winners: Humanity
Losers: Welfare queens

INSURANCE
John Smithee
Unless John Gavin comes back, it's his for life
Winners: Really nobody
Losers: Really nobody

JUDICIARY
Will "The Man of Steel" Hartnett
Could have Civil Practices, but he likes judges
Winners: Probate lawyers
Losers: People who have to pay $6,000 in junk fees to file a civil claim worth 80 bucks

JUVENILE JUSTICE AND FAMILY ISSUES
Harold V. Dutton, Jr.
Would rather just bitch than chair this committee again
Winners: A lobbyist who can figure out how to get a bill referred to his committee
Losers: Poor clerk who has to write the bill analyses

LAND AND RESOURCES MANAGEMENT
Pat Haggerty
Anna Mowery chairmanship cut into bridge/wine time; still can't find Carolyn Park's office
Winner: People who need a bill reported from LRM
Losers: People who declared victory and gave up on this committee in 2003

LAW ENFORCEMENT
Joe Driver
He actually wants it, and is pretty good at it
Winners: Concealed handgun permit owners
Losers: Folks shot by concealed handguns

LICENSING AND ADMINISTRATIVE PROCEDURES
Kino Flores
Here's a chairman with real power who is feeling his oats
Winners: Tom Spillman, natch
Losers: A day-to-day thing

LOCAL AND CONSENT
Myra Crownover
Genuinely nice person gets year's biggest plum
Winners: Polite people
Losers: Folks who yearn for Yvonne Davis

LOCAL GOVERNMENT WAY AND MEANS
Dan Patrick
Traded his Senate assignments for House position
Winners: The REAL Ways and Means Committee, which gets appraisal bills
Losers: Fred Hill, who has no desk on Senate floor

NATURAL RESOURCES
Robert Puente
Willing-buyer/willing-seller concept confusing, but Bobby Bridge pulls through
Winners: Lobbyists with multi-year contact for interbasin transfers
Losers: Environmentalist who like to yack

PENSIONS AND INVESTMENTS
Dan Gattis/Dan Flynn (to be determined by arm-wrestling competition)
Gattis loses on purpose, sets sites on taking that Patrick Rose guy OUT
Winners: Outside investment consultants
Losers: People who like actuarially sound pension systems

PUBLIC EDUCATION
Rob Eissler
Drew the black bean; soon to find out black beans suck
Winners: Fans of comedy
Losers: Fans of good comedy

PUBLIC HEALTH
Tom Craddick
He's chaired it before and wants another crack; has the time to spare
Winners: Doctors
Losers: Garnet Coleman

REDISTRICTING
Joe Crabb
This committee will not meet this biennium
Winners: n/a
Losers: n/a

REGULATED INDUSTRIES
Roger Williams
Traded fully loaded 2006 extended cab with mag wheels for Phil King's chairmanship
Winners: People who like to "Save Save Save!"
Losers: Dumbasses who go to other dealerships

RULES AND RESOLUTIONS
Tony Goolsby
Has gavel, will travel
Winners: House members with a resolutions they'd like adopted
Losers: People who don't like resolutions "read in full"

STATE AFFAIRS
Pete Laney
He and Marchant are serving on each other's committees again; BFF
Winners: People who like staying up to four in the morning for mundane stuff
Losers: People who don't grow cotton

TRANSPORTATION
Mike Krusee
Loves getting bitched at by armed psycho toll road opponents
Winners: H.B. Zachary and Ric Williamson
Losers: People who want to go from Point A to point B

URBAN AFFAIRS
Kevin Bailey
"After only 16 years I get a real chairmanship! Thanks!"
Winners: Poor people who need low-cost housing
Losers: City officials who don't think cops and firefighters should make $450,000 a year

WAYS AND MEANS
Ron Wilson
Wilson swapped Keffer his stretch Hummer for chairmanship
Winners: Musicians
Losers: Ron's longtime loyal friends

MAMA DON'T TAKE MY KODACHROME AWAY

2007-01-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Got me a note the other day from blog pioneer and occasional State Representative Aaron Pena. He informed me that I was on his "blogroll." Since I was not familiar with that word, Billy Clyde assumed it was synonymous with "shit list."

After performing a Google search (if you don't know this little computer trick, I'd be happy to teach you; just give me a call), it turns out that getting on someone's blogroll is a good thing. So thanks. You da man, Aaron!

I decided to check out The Rep's site http://acapitolblog2.blogspot.com/ this evening to see what wisdom he was sharing with the masses. And to see if he REALLY put me on his blogroll. Visiting his page was kind of a bummer.

Now, Aaron probably has a dozen or so highly skilled backroom technical Internet guys doing the real work. But his site rocks. It looks nice, and he's got tons of photos. In contrast to Billy Clyde's site, which has an rather amateurish look and zero photos.

Being a man of action, I went to work. Goal: to learn how to post a photograph in an effort to play catch-up (and, natch, eventually surpass) Representative Pena's fancy-pants blog with all its bells and whistles. Not having any photos of my own to post, I stole one from his site. You can respect international copyright law yet still hide behind the Fair Use Doctrine.

His most recent pics were taken during Valley Weekend, which my sources tell me was a smashing success. Senator Dan Patrick spent two full hours on its greatness on his talk show today. He is very impressed that there are so many nice Mexican-American persons down there and apparently tried to learn something, proving that despite his lengthy service in the Senate, he has yet to master the concept of a junket. (I changed tenses three times in that sentence, tying my previous record.)

Senator Patrick singled out Representative Juan Escobar as a Valley delegation member who was particularly enlightening. Though he kept referring to him as a new member, even though Juan has been in the Legislature for more than four years, while Dan's tenure is about two weeks. Go figure.

Anyway, here's the picture I stole.

The above photo depicts Escobar showing Patrick the EXACT best spot on the Rio Grande River from which to shoot Mexicans.

While listening to Senator Patrick's broadcast and learning to steal and post pics (call me Mr. Multitasker), BC damn near fell out of his chair. Dan told his audience that he now thinks a guest worker program is a nifty idea, leaving his approximately 100,000 listeners as the only people in Texas (est. population 23 million) who didn't already know this intuitively at birth. The man learns and is flexible; he's no John Leedom.

Billy Clyde has been following Dan Patrick since he was the wacky sportscaster on KHOU Channel 11 and thinks he's great. It gets lonely being a right winger at the Capitol (Toomey doesn't count; he's nuts) and I'm glad to have some company. But I worry about Dan losing his base by grasping reality so well and so quickly.

According to my scorecard, the Senator from the 7th District now likes lobbyists, insider politics, Austin special-interest fundraisers, Mexican guest workers, compromise, creating new fees that interfere with private enterprise (see tomorrow's bill filings), and, get this ... he's THIS CLOSE to supporting busting the constitutional spending cap -- pending the outcome of the on-line poll he launched today.

Wow!

Billy Clyde's nimble mind has a tendency to wonder from time to time. So let's recall that this post is about Representative Pena's splendid blog and the photos I stole from him, plus some Senator Patrick stuff. Time to wrap it up.

The bonus photo below was burgled from Aaron, and it shows the Reverend Joel Olsteen and professional House member impersonator and Olsteen body double Kelly Hancock taken on Inauguration Day. If my memory is correct, Dan Patrick ran the teevee operations for the Rev. Olsteen for a while. So it's mighty relevant. Focused and concise. That's our goal.

BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY CAR

2007-01-22T07:50:00.000-05:00

If Billy Clyde had an older male sibling, he would hate him.

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No me gusta Big Brother.

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I bring this up because BC didn't go through the last House Daily Report until this morning, when he was treated to HB 652, which deals with "inattentive driving." It was brought to us by Representative Chente Quintanilla, normally a level-headed public servant with good ideas and plenty of common sense. Guess the Busy-Body Lobby caught him in a weak moment.

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BC is gonna cover the highlights, but if you're a huge nerd and for some reason think you need to read it yourself, have at it.

http://www.telicon.com/htbin/web_dtext.com?TX80RHB00652.FIL

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In a nutshell, the bill doubles traffic fines for folks who are drinking Big Gulps while speeding or changing talk radio stations while gently rolling through a stop sign. Were this measure to become law, here are the things that you would do in the truck at your own legal peril:

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"(1) reading; (2) writing; (3) performing personal grooming; (4) consuming food or a beverage; (5) interacting with a pet; (6) interacting with a vehicle passenger; (7) using a personal communications device; or (8) engaging in another activity that prevents the operator from safely operating the motor vehicle."

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Let's do an informal BA on this baby. Number 6 seems to mean that you couldn't talk to the person riding in the front seat with you. That seems harsh, but conceivably could be a good thing -- depending on the passenger. "Be quiet. It's against the law for me to talk to you."

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But the last provision, Number 8, is just wrong wrong wrong. I ask you, cowboys and cowgirls, to think of ALL the things that this could apply to. Now narrow your thoughts down. No down further. Just go down. Come on, go down. (editors note: This is a family blog, so we cannot be inappropriately graphic. But if you haven't figured out what BC is talking about, imagine yourself driving a Hummer.)

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This is Texas, by golly, and the thing referred to in the preceding paragraph is as much a part of our culture as high school football, barbecue and trashing Yankees.

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In a blatant attempt to appeal to my legions of female readers, BC also points to page 1, line 24 and page 2, lines 1-2, which specifically makes applying makeup, combing your hair or "attending to another personal hygiene or appearance task" a Class C misdemeanor.

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In a blatant attempt to appeal to my legions of directionally challenged readers, BC alerts you to page 2, line 19, which specifically includes using "a geographic positioning system receiver" to the list of prohibited activities. When I read that, BC thought to himself: So THAT'S what GPS stands for. You learn something new everyday.

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Not even gonna start on the potential legal quagmires that the prohibition on "interacting with a pet" present, but suffice to say that I feel safer on the wide open road when my fellow driver swats Fido out of the driver's seat so the motorist can actually see the highway. Call me old fashioned; that's just the way I feel.

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If you hate pets, good grooming, Big Gulps, listening to the radio and, most importantly, Hummers, then by all means support House Bill 652. But count me out.

SPANKING WASHINGTON

2007-01-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

What we need is more good news.

A few suggestions, if I may:

(1) a crawler on the bottom of the teevee news that shows the number of consecutive days WITHOUT a deadly commercial airline crash at the local airport;

(2) more stories about how an incumbent House Texas House Speaker has NOT faced a head-to-head opening day challenge in nearly a century;

(3) profiles of our fine public school teachers who DON'T have steamy illicit sexual affairs with their students (real newshounds could find these people);

(4) in-depth medical coverage that reminds readers, viewers and listeners that NO ONE in real life gets Lyme Disease (except Chris Harris) or Avian Flu; and

(5) touching features about pets that are adopted into loving homes and AREN'T euthanized. Which brings Billy Clyde to his point of the day.

The media jackals are so consumed by sensational negativity that they are willing to ruin what should be a pleasant, relaxing morning here at Casa BC. Et tu, Peggy Fikac?!

Read it and weep.
http://blogs.chron.com/texaspolitics/archives/2007/01/kinky_for_senat.html

Seems like some ne'er-do-well (Don Evans? David Dewhurst? Dan Patrick? Chris Bell, or whatever that guy from Houston's name is?) has launched a preemptive political strike on Texas' Favorite Son and Animal Rescuer, Mr. Kinky Friedman. I pray to Elvis, Jesus and Coca-Cola that he doesn't fall prey to this manipulative trickery -- which unfortunately often works quite well.

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It works like this: Candidate A (let's call her Carol Keeton Bill White Rylander Roger Williams Strayhorn) wants to start laying the groundwork to run for a Very Important Office. Candidate A is just delusional enough to think she can pull it off, but for one giant obstacle that simply cannot be overcome: Candidate Kinkster.

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So Candidate A has her dirty tricks team spread a rumor that Candidate Kinkster, who everyone just assumes will be moving into the Governor's Mansion in slightly less than four years, has his eyes set on some other office. One that on paper might seem attractive, but actually ain't worth a warm pitcher of urine. In fact, it's totally made up.

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And then the forces of evil sit back and hope he takes the bait, because otherwise Candidate A's got as much chance of becoming governor as a grackle has of surviving 40-degree weather on Congress Avenue.

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Not gonna work, if you ask me. Kinky is very, very smart (Plan II) and regularly solves these sorts of intricate mysteries in the morning before the so-called professionals (like Rockford and Ramban) have finished their banana and blueberry pancakes.

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Billy Clyde recovered (remarkably swiftly) from the well-documented yet damn-near-impossible-to-prove massive vote fraud that almost certainly cheated Kinky out of the governorship. If you LYST as much as BCLHSKFFG, you simply won't permit a re-run of November's tragedy. So I'm positive that this, too, shall pass.

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The Kinkster has unshackled his political soul from those out-of-state advisers and assembled a savvy team (Laura) that knows there is no such position as "U.S" Senator. There are just 31 regular Senators, plus the Lieutenant Governor can pretend to be a Senator when that chamber meets as the Committee of the Whole.

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Here's the way the scam works in the real world:

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A fellow with a perfectly bright political future gets talked into running for this U.S. Senator thing that he has heard is so great. The other 99 "Senators," who have been fooled by this exact same practical joke by crafty gubernatorial candidates in their home states, go to the airport and hide behind Baggage Carousal 3. When you retrieve your luggage and look around for your new "chief of staff," the other 99 jump out and yell, "You've Been Pranked By Senators Behaving Badly!"

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Everyone has a big belly laugh and goes to the movies. After about a week, you've seen all the movies, so you start having lots of fundraisers. Breakfast, lunch, golf tournaments, cocktail receptions, dinners, all-night raves -- you'll be at all of them. On Fridays, you fly home and travel around the state and give Serious Speeches and listen to Voter Concerns at Town Hall Meetings.

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Then you head back to Washington on Monday for another grueling week of eating, playing golf and attending raves. After doing this for about five years, you have developed a bulging waistline, a very low handicap and a little black book full of cell phone numbers of slutty Washington-area 23-year-old punk rock chicks. You also have $7.3 million in the bank.

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So it's back to Texas for a few months to purchase some clever TV ads, in which you will appear with your gut sucked in as well as with your wife, as opposed to the slut punk chicks you usually hang with.

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You win, natch, and it's back to Washington to get sworn in, which is code for hiding at Reagan National or BWI and yelling, "You've Been Pranked" to the new crop of would-be-governors who got talked into running for this fake U.S. Senate job.

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Hold on a second. Let me think about this. Since I want a Kinky Jewish Cowboy Governor, maybe we shouldn't tell him what the real deal is. The Kinkster probably would ENJOY getting pranked. Particularly by those rave babes.

FLYING ICE MONKEYS AND THE HOT TUB BIRTHDAY

2007-01-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

Billy Clyde hasta go to a two-day conference starting today, so the normal biting social commentary here may be scarce. But there's time to get a few things off my chest.

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I was thinking of all the stuff that's been closed in Austin since this blog launched one month and one day ago. Totally coincidental, but eerie nonetheless.

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Christmas (as well as Christmas Eve and the Day After Christmas) are predictable down-times. Same with New Years Eve and New Years Day. The Dead Bird Crisis That Shut Down The Central Business District, however, is unprecedented the best BC can tell. Creating a brand new holiday to reflect on the loss of President Gerald Ford also seems to be a first.

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Not gonna beat the Austin-ran-out-food deal anymore after yesterday's exhaustive post on the subject. But the airport thing deserves a sentence or two. Turns out the runways were fine. But the guy in charge of securing the de-icing stuff at Austin Bergstrom-International Airport was seriously asleep at the wheel. So the airport higher-ups had to call someone in Houston (Edward) and ask him to send someone (Roger) to Travis County in the de-icing agent truck. News8Austin did an Emmy-worthy job of tracking said truck. The wall-to-wall (or is it floor-to-ceiling?) coverage actually counts as being newsworthy and entertaining by this week's odd standards. Go figure.

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The Legislature has also been moving along at a rather deliberate pace. The only real pieces of legislation that have passed are those "permission to adjourn for three days or more" resolutions that our pesky Constitution requires. They have been quite the rage this session. If you support the notion of very limited state government, then you, my friend, are in high cotton.

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Both the House and Senate are slated to be back in business on Monday. Presuming, of course, that it doesn't rain.

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The Big News today is flying ice. Apparently the only thing more dangerous than driving on wet, cold roads is driving on dry roads that were previously wet. It produces a phenomenon called flying ice, which in layman's terms means ice flies off your vehicle. Sammy and Bob broke this story on KVET (98.1 FM) this morning and generated thousands of calls sharing personal first-hand flying ice reports.

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Dead Birds. Flying Ice. What's next? Dogs sleeping with cats? Armageddon?!

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(Since I brought up the subject of animals, I owe it to you people to direct your attention to the Associated Press story in yesterday's Houston Chronicle about the toilet-cleaning monkey who doesn't respond to sedative-laced yogurt. Good read, if you ask me.)

http://chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/4477425.html

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It seems like there's been a lot of other closings/peculiar events in the last month (which the MSM is calling The Billy Clyde Era). If this blog is responsible, then I certainly promise to keep up the good work.

DON'T TELL ME, I'VE GOT MEXICO

2007-01-17T12:26:00.000-05:00

While my selfish ass worries about things like food, I was unaware of some of the secondary and tertiary results of this mildly cool weather.

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Check out this gem, from our AP friends:

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"In the Rio Grande Valley, the weather was dangerous for illegal immigrants trying to cross the border, where the temperature has dropped 40 degrees since Sunday. The U.S. Border Patrol reported rescuing 15 illegal immigrants, including a woman who was airlifted Monday from a Falfurrias-area ranch to a Corpus Christi hospital."

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Friends of Billy Clyde know I heart Mexicans. And that I hate Canadians and the Irish. But with this anti-Mexican sentiment in the air, perhaps we should not advertise the fact that the weather is bothering our southern brothers and sisters. Just gives an opening for the Tom Cancredos and similar know-nothings.

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Peace out.

FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD

2007-01-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

Your man on the scene -- me, Billy Clyde -- erred in his thinking yesterday. It looks like Austin-area restaurants will be closed for another day.

Those of you who know me personally understand that I'm kinda a Mountain Man, a rugged individualist who's one with nature. But dammit, I like going to lunch! It's the high point of my day (hush: no more "loser" jokes) and not only permits me to converse with good friends and neighbors but also offers food-eating opportunities, which have been rare lately. Best I can tell, there currently is zero food in Austin. That's not good.

BC did some serious grazing last night at the Frozen Inaugural of 2007. Not because he's a big fan of Sterno-heated reception food, but because he was becoming very hungry. In hindsight, BC should have eaten even more. The people in charge of obtaining and serving food should get to work at once; this deal is reaching critical mass.

The room service people at the Four Seasons were providing food -- I am NOT making this up -- last night on a "need-to-eat basis." Did I somehow move to Ethiopia on accident? We're big fat Texans. We need sustenance!

On a slightly related note, do you remember when the Bush Inaugural Committee had a Young Professional gala over at the Austin Music Hall? Robert Earl Keen played. All us young professionals danced and sang real loudly and generally had a heckuva good time proving that we had memorized Robert Earl Keen lyrics and were competent in the Two-Step form of dance. Well, last night was NOTHING like that.

Have you ever been to a Century 21 Convention? No? Well, me neither. But I figure it's pretty similar to last night's Inaugural Ball. If you're into middle-aged overweight white people in poorly-fitting rental clothes, the Austin Convention Center was your nirvana. If not, you were better off staying at home and worrying about food.

Let me put it this way: the honoree, Governor James Richard "Rick" Perry, was the coolest guy there. By a long way. BC bets you get the point.

Texans climbed out of our caves and joined the modern world and became all sophisticated and worldly in 1991, when wealthy white women finally achieved governmental parity with wealthy white men and Ann Richards got sworn in. She had Lilly Tomlin and Dolly Parton warm up the crowd, and that was entertaining. Perry had some guy named Ed from Corsicana do the honors. Folks, we are regressing as a civilization.

When Briscoe and Clements and White and Clements and Richards and Bush got inaugurated, it was fairly pricey. But they served food, which I didn't appreciate at the time but on reflection seems like a very humanitarian thing to do. I wish Perry would have charged more.

In closing: If you are a person, and you know of a restaurant that is open, or in the alternative if you own food ... please call me. I'll buy or reimburse you or whatever.

IT'S LIKE THUNDER, LIGHTENING. THE WAY YOU TOUCH ME IS FRIGHTENING

2007-01-16T07:21:00.000-05:00

We are in Day Two of the Great Winter Killer Storm of 2007, and somehow I am still alive.

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Billy Clyde rarely watches local news programming, but lately he's been hooked. Hasn't been a bigger teevee story than this since Tom Craddick had dinner with Warren Chisum and Dawnna Dukes last Sunday.

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A confidential source (Kenneth Armbrister) deep within Camp Perry informs me that the Swearing-In Ceremony will be inside. Not that I was planning on attending anyway. The local news anchor person keeps telling me how dangerous it is outside (31 degrees Fahrenheit with drizzle!) and that -- not a joke -- I should not attempt to retrieve my morning newspaper lest I perish.

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BC don't want to die, but he knows it's gonna happen sooner or later (can it please be later?). But a valiant fight with a rhino in the African outback seems more my style for demise. I want to leave this Earth in style.

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I made several gallons of sun tea yesterday (you gotta stock up when the storm of the century hits) and plan on drinking it and relaxing to News8Austin for the rest of the day. I have a rented a limo for tonight, and I got a rented tux (which fits me smartly) as well. For the Inaugural. To which I received an official invite, and which I am attending.

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Man, I live on Easy Street.

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This weather deal has me bamboozled. I remember spending a clear, open-sky sort of night in Hale Center. It somehow snowed and the powers-that-be forgot to close all businesses, schools, libraries, and strip clubs. They pretended it was a normal day.

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The next morning was worse. The local politician's wife (Nelda Laney) put me and my anonymous buddy (Jay Propes) into a car and drove a steady 90 miles per hour from their house to Lubbock. There was snow and ice everywhere, but it wasn't a big deal. To them. They don't get News8Austin. News about The Danger.

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Anyway, I look forward to this evening. Granted, I am not a skilled dancer. But I try. And I will look quite handsome in my rented tux, which fits me well. Folks, this will be a social function that I will actually enjoy.

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Stay warm and don't attempt to retrieve your newspaper. See ya on Wednesday, when we return to Real-People-World.

IT'S FLOODING DOWN IN TEXAS; ALL THE TELEPHONE LINES ARE DOWN

2007-01-15T13:47:00.000-05:00

It takes a while for certain new phrases to catch on.

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Back in the early days, "Ways and Means" was a sorta useless conglomeration of words that didn't really have much of a meaning. And that's still true. But making up new terms like that takes guts, and by golly, our Lieutenant Governor has proved that he has guts.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's with great pleasure that I introduce to you our newest Senate Standing Subcommittee: Flooding and Evacuations.

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Yeah, really.

www.telicon.com/www/tx/rep/senate.com.pdf

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If you are anything like Billy Clyde, your first thought is about the meeting you have back home with your Main Man. He's the guy who's the president of the First National Bank and a Deacon in the Presbyterian Church and heads the Boy Scouts and the Farm Bureau and is half-owner (with his retarded brother-in-law) of the local newspaper. You know the guy.

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Anyway, you are Mister Senator and you drive home and the Main Man is at your house having coffee with your wife. Both are kinda sweaty and glowing and trying to catch their breath, but that is lost on Mister Senator cuz his mind is on Serious Senate Stuff (SSS). So the Main Man sez: What did my million dollars worth of fundraising get you? And Mister Senator has to look at his shoes and say, "Flooding and Evacuations."

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There's probably not enough work to justify a Senate Committee on Flooding. Or a Senate Committee on Evacuations. But put them together, and, my friends, you gotta party.

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Mario Gallegos is the chairman. But he's staying in Houston this session. The other two members are Robert Nichols (I swear he's a real senator; he's the bald bearded guy who used to work for Ric Williamson over at TXDOT; he was Todd Staples' Main Man, if that helps) and Dan Patrick, the new guy who thinks he can beat Don Evans and Roger Williams and Kay Bailey Hutchison and David Dewhurst and be Governor. You know him; he's on the radio.

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Anyway, let's say you get hired by the Texas Association For Quality in Deluge and Irrigation Retention Technology (DIRT) to work on their important stormwater legislation. Karina refers the main urban street sewage bill, SB 683, to the Committee on Flooding and Evacuations, natch.

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Now you have to build a bridge of consensus between Dan Patrick and Robert Nichols. And those guys don't get along. Dan thinks Robert is a liberal career politician (mayor of Jacksonville) who is up here to feather his own nest just the way all free-spending out-of-touch politicos do. Robert, on the other hand, has yet to meet Dan.

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Now the unseasoned rookie would try to bring these two men together, forge a coalition, and move the street gutter agenda on down the road. But you don't do this. Instead, you get Karina to remove the bill from Flooding and Evacuations and sent to the real committee, which hears and reports the measure and recommends it for placement on the Local and Uncontested Calendar.

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And all is well.

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The good news: you gotcha a Senate Bill in a House committee early in the session. The bad news: that Senate bill got referred to Anna Mowery's committee, which is a fine committee, except that Anna has never figured out the nuances of being a Chairperson. Stuff like "posting" confuses her.

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There's no end to this story. Or beginning or middle. BC just couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk about the Senate Standing Subcommittee on Flooding and Evacuations.

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Before the next session, I'm gonna suggest to the Lieutenant Governor that the Senate needs a Senate Standing Committee on Refunds and Return Policies. If he names THAT one, he has my money and vote.

RARE EVENTS: IT'S ICED OVER IN AUSTIN AND RICK PERRY IS A STATESMAN

2007-01-14T15:45:00.000-05:00

After more than two decades in public office, Governor Rick Perry somehow goofed up and got himself a fairly favorable story written about himself in the MSM.

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You are more than welcome (no, thank YOU!), to read it here: http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/011407dntswperryguv.30b9fb5.html

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Billy Clyde has always thought that Perry had talent. My biggest beef against him as a House member was that he was too politically partisan (he was a Democrat). His second biggest beef against him as a statewide elected official was that he was too politically partisan (he was a Republican.)

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Very few people will believe me, but I've seen it up close and all personal-like: Take the partisan handcuffs off the man, and he becomes a damn good negotiator/honest broker on issues that many previous governors would simply ignore or avoid.

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-- Ann Richards was great when the cameras were on. But in the backroom, no one was scared of her.

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-- Bill Clements sucked when the cameras were on, and very few people were scared of him in the back room. (Particularly when, during delicate deliberations over school finance, he would repeatedly yell, "YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN! I'M CALLING THE COPS!)

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-- Mark White (who I understand underwent successful cancer surgery last week) was a total fake in front of the cameras and a pansy in the backroom. (editors note: Godspeed, Governor White. BC thinks you're cool, even if no one else does. I actually mean that. The part about you being cool. And getting well.)

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It took him 20 years in elected statewide office, but Rick Perry finally seems comfortable in his own skin. He's free from the chain of electoral warfare. He's his own man. His hair (to borrow a quote from the great Warren Zevon in his classic hit "Werewolves of London") is "perfect." He seems to be at peace with himself ... great marriage, great kids (who are out of the house; always a giant-ass relief), spiritually sound --though I wonder about that West Coast Rapper look he dons in his off time. He seems balanced and tranquil and actually willing to lead. For what that's worth.

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BC thought he could live to be several thousand years old without prefacing a sentencing with the words, "people who underestimate Rick Perry should do so at their own peril," but it's true. No, he ain't Ma Richards or Dubya on the hug-ya scale. But when Perry puts his arm around you, saddles in close and asks about something, he's sincere. And his sincere routine plays really well.

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Quiet! Quiet, people! Hush down!

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BC knows it's politically incorrect to post something that paints Rick Perry (longtime political hack -- for both parties -- and opportunistic rung climber turned rich-guy panderer) as a decent human being. But I'm going out on a a limb (because I don't know the true story of the Great Poinsettia Scandal of 1992; I've heard both sides) and cuz for the sole time in my life I think I'm correct: Rick Perry is gonna turn out to be one of our best Governors ever.

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To the people who said Rick Perry would never be a Coke Stevenson or Sam Houston or Price Daniel or John Connally ... well, they also said it would snow on Inauguration Day before Perry ever became Governor.

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Have you checked the forecast?

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UPDATE: Full disclosure: Billy Clyde voted for Kinky Friedman in 2006. So back off.

RURAL RULES

2007-01-11T12:23:00.000-05:00

We've all heard the predictions from demographers, economists and other Ivory Tower pinheads. And it looks like the futurists in the Texas House of Representatives are finally gonna take action before it's too late.

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A little background.

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As anyone with half a brain and even Billy Clyde knows, Texas is shedding its urban/suburban/exurban ways (I KNEW it was just a fad!). The Lone Star State of tomorrow will be largely agrarian. Our good jobs will come from the production of food and fiber -- not fly-by-night pipe dream "industries" like nanotechnology (whatever the hell that is) or information services.

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The next Michael Dell will create his fortune not in computers, but in goats or grain sorghum.

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This, of course, is a good thing. BC ain't scared of progress.

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The worker bees over at TLS have posted a copy of HR 3, the proposed permanent rules that the House will take up tomorrow. This document is a blueprint for the future. Specifically, the House Agriculture and Livestock Committee's membership will increase from seven members to nine. And not a moment too soon.

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Many of the less-important committees, liked Regulated Industries and Civil Practices, will -- properly -- continue to have just seven members. Ag is the only committee slated to grow. That should send a powerful message to the world markets that Texas is serious about this global economy deal.

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There are a few other minor changes in the new rules. The one that is likely to draw the most attention is a patently ridiculous idea to require record votes on final passage of all legislation. And on concurrence motions and actions on conference committee reports.

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That smacking sound you hear is House members kissing the rear ends of editorial writers and good government types, aka weasels. These self-styled do-gooders made up a solution for a problem that doesn't exist. They should not be rewarded.

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But if House members just can't resist pandering, BC would like to offer this compromise: require a record vote on all bills on first reading, not third. I mean, the number one comes before the number three anyway. Common sense, is what it is.

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It would also be more efficient. Remember when they yanked out the voting machine to replace the carpet in the chamber? Seemed like a good idea at the time. Everyone appreciates nice floor coverings. But House members unexpectedly found themselves in a special session on some issue or another (workers' comp? general appropriations bill?). Every time some showboat wanted to raise Cain, he could seek a record vote and paralyze the People's Body. Let's not return to the bad ol' days.

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To recap: more goats, fewer votes.

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UPDATE: Friday was a bad day for goats. And smokers. Smoking goats took a real screwing.

STEP INTO THIS HOUSE GIRL, I'll SING FOR YOU A SONG

2007-01-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

Even the savviest prognosticator strikes out every now and then.

When Billy Clyde makes a mistake, he acknowledges it the way a manly Texan should. I was wrong. Roger Williams did not give a Fidel Castro-length speech as I predicted. But he did mention Henry Ford. So I was right about it being car dealing-related; it was just a brief sales pitch.

Another lame prediction: Rutgers would be National Champions. As anyone who watched last night's game knows, Boise State is the new King of College Football. I'm on a Prarie View-style losing streak.

I further erred by sitting on the House floor. That was the most uncomfortable chair my butt has ever sat in. (I only stayed there about an hour, but I enjoy bitching.) It was also very crowded. Where's the Fire Marshall when you need him?

In hindsight, I should have gone to the Senate. But then again, no member of the Texas Senate extended me the courtesy of an invite. Bastards. I already miss Armbrister, and he's only been out of the Senate for about six hours. Not that Armbrister ever gave me an opening day pass, either.

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That Texas Monthly blogger, Gary Cartwright, actually got mentioned on the House floor today during heated debate. The Pink Lady did not get mentioned, because she frightens House Members. And me. During a period of excrutiating boredness this afternoon, I walked across the street to fetch my laptop. Logged on and found something like 48,914 readers had left her comments. Looks like she's getting really wealthy.

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On a slightly related note, why did people think there was going to be a Speaker's race? Oh well. If anyone is interested in inside baseball stuff, Craddick won big.

SHOW THE SPEAKER VOTING FOR THE EXTENDED WARRANTY

2007-01-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

When Warren Chisum becomes a media star, you know this Speaker's Race nonsense has gotten out of hand.

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Here's the latest:

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Charlie Geren wants to give every member 1.37 votes, to be cast using the modified College of Cardinals smoke system.

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Will Hartnett proposes that all Craddick backers assemble in the House chamber tomorrow, while the other people (losers) gather on Congress Avenue for a black-capped vireo cookout. Sounds scrumptious.

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(For those who take their dead-birds-on-Congress news really seriously, this blog has some outstanding reporting on the issue.) http://www.texaslegislature.beloblog.com/

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Patrick Rose seeks a grand compromise. Being an Ivy Leaguer, he suggests that members forgo voting altogether and instead have a big Naked Party (see link). This proposal seemed to have legs until Vicki Truitt showed entirely too much enthusiasm for it and for some reason wanted Gene Seaman to be invited. In a completely inexplicable turn of events, she also proclaimed herself "the Firecrotch of the House." I'm pretty sure this whole idea is dead.

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/international.cfm?id=36832007

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Richard Raymond made news this weekend by publicly declaring that he would do "whatever it takes" to remain on the losing side of every political issue he has ever encountered. He's still a Bob Krueger guy at heart. Believe it or not, Bob Krueger was actually a U.S. Senator from Texas for a brief -- very brief -- period of time. How'd that happen?

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Billy Clyde often finds irony and humor where it probably doesn't belong. But he can't help but think that his friend Billy Wayne Clayton, who died over the weekend, would be getting a chuckle out of this whole deal. Clayton, you may recall, is the fellow who gave Ralph Wayne and Tom Craddick permission to recruit a young Pete Laney to run for the House against Delwin Jones, who records show is still a House member even though Laney beat him. How'd that happen?

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BC always appreciated Clayton's liberal use of the terms "Socialist" and "Communist." They are underused words these days, but the Man From Earth (his actual hometown, or maybe it's Springlake)) did his part to keep them alive. Former U.S. Attorney Tony Canales, after prosecuting Speaker Clayton and getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter, announced to the press that he would support a Clayton candidacy for Governor. Dude, do you want him in the pen or the Governor's Mansion? Make up your mind.

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There will be two huge winners tomorrow. The guy who receives the most votes (Tom Craddick) and Roger Williams, who has vowed to limit his speech to three hours and forty-five minutes. During which time he will highlight all the features of GM's new line of full-sized luxury vehicles. Including custom window tinting.

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I'll be there.

I'M STUCK IN FOLSOM PRISON. I KNOW I CAN'T BE FREE

2007-01-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

Billy Clyde faces harsh vitriolic attacks on his personal and professional life every day. But I can take it. As the old saying goes, if you can't stand the cold, get out of the walk-in freezer.

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The criticism usually runs something like this: BC uses skulduggery, obscure rules, personal relationships and trickery to wind his way through the legislative maze and knows as much about policy and substance as a hog knows about Sunday. To those armchair quarterbacks, I say: you are just plain right.

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But I do know me some prison stuff. The nearest one to my house when growing up was nearly two miles away. But about 10 units were in my home county, including The Walls Unit, where Texas kills people. Plus I also used to go fishing a lot with the former chairman of the House Corrections Committee, Representative Allen Ross Hightower. ARH shared his encyclopedic knowledge of all-things-prisons with BC, and BC is a matter man because of it.

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Which brings me to today's topic, highlighted with great insight by that Emily chick from the Dallas Morning News.

(http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/texassouthwest/stories/DN-sexoffenders_05tex.ART.North.Edition1.3e3810c.html)

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You can read the article for yourself. But the summary is that there's a controversy between Tough-On-Crime Politicians and the Actual People Who Get Tough-On-Crime For A Living. The debate goes something like this:

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POLITICIAN: "I hate child sex predators and want to punish them and kill them and punish them some more."

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PROSECUTOR: "I hate them, too. But your bill will make it easier for them to go free."

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POLITICIAN: "But I ran on this issue, and the voters gave me a HUGE victory because I boldly came out against perverts who prey on innocent little kids."

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PROSECUTOR: "We voted for you, too. But please don't turn your direct mail piece into legislation. You will be hurting your own cause. Trust me."

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POLITICIAN: "Are you sure?"

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PROSECUTOR: "Yes."

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BC would be pleased as punch if he could go the rest of his life without using the term "unintended consequences." But it's really at the heart of this debate. Let me give you a couple of examples, if I may.

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1) 20-year-old dude has a 16-year-old girlfriend. They go parking in what they believe to be a remote area that in fact is occasionally patrolled by Johnny Law, who spots the car and checks it out. He knocks on the steamed-up windows and ask for ID (and for them to get dressed). They comply on both counts. The boyfriend pleads guilty to statutory rape and is sentenced to one weekend in jail and 100 hours of community service. He is now a Registered Sex Offender.

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He is also now 35, his wife (the chick in the car with him) is now 31, and they have two lovely children and a dog named Buster, who wears a bandanna. They're doing pretty well and have their eyes on this house in the exurbs, which is in an excellent school system that would be just perfect for their children (Wynn, age 4, and Dixie, age 2). But as a Registered Sex Offender (for life), he can't buy that house, because Johnson County's Third United Methodist Church and Gymnasium is 900 feet away. Registered Sex Offenders can't live within 1000 feet of a gymnasium.

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This dude is very different from the 55-year-old greasy-haired pedophile who drives by day care centers seeking children to kidnap and sexually terrorize. At least in my book.

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2) A fellow in the Texas Reserve is going through Officer Training School classes at Camp Mabry over off MoPac Boulevard, which gives new meaning to the word "boulevard." His bladder is full, so he takes a leak. (editor's note: this is loosely based on a true story)

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Some busy-bodied woman who lives nearby sees this (through her telescope) and alerts authorities. This is her 394th time to report criminal activity to the police this year. She wants to be the head of her neighborhood Crime Stoppers, but her neighbors won't let her.

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The police arrest this aspiring officer on public lewdness charges. His attorney, Terry Keel, knows the judge. And the judge knows that Terry would love to take this to a jury trial and spend three weeks showboating in court. So His Honor dismisses the charges.

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But if the judge had been from Williamson County, the charges would have stuck. And the young patriot who needed to pee would be doing 15 years of hard time in the State Motel. And he'd be a Registered Sex Offender.

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I feel like I'm repeating myself, but ...

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This dude is very different from the 55-year-old greasy-haired pedophile who drives by day care centers seeking children to kidnap and sexually terrorize. At least in my book.

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I guess the point of this post, other to show off my policy prowess and wonkishness, is this: If you are a member of the Legislature, and you want to help someone, and that person says "thanks but no thanks, your bill will make things even worse," drop your bill.

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Legislators should be graded on quality, not quantity.

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UPDATE: Prompted by an irate reader, Billy Clyde pledges not to write about policy-oriented stuff for a good long while.

FAST TIMES AT HO-BAG HIGH

2007-01-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

Turns out that soon-to-be-former-and-future Representative Al Edwards (he's already announced his 2008 comeback) is right and all you wiseacres are dead wrong.

Sexy cheerleading is a GIANT problem that has ripped apart the moral fabric of McKinney and caused massive controversy in the the secondary education and adult toy communities in this Collin County hamlet.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16441559/site/newsweek

The normally virtuous students, parents and faculty at North McKinney High School have been terrorized by a small group of cheerleaders dubbed The Fab Five (cuz there are five of them). These young leaders of tomorrow make the Girls Gone Wild chicks who spend their spring breaks on South Padre Island seem like Amish spinsters.

Besides demonstrating an utter lack of respect for elders in positions of authority, they like to videotape themselves engaging in lewd acts with candle dildos (never thought I would get to use THAT term), drink themselves silly, and send X-rated text messages to their coaches and coaches' spouses.

So the Head Principle (also the mother of one of these cheerleaders) did what any no-nonsense disciplinarian would do these days. She had the school district spend $40,000 on a local attorney -- no, it wasn't Representative Ken Paxton -- to conduct an exhaustive investigation and compile the sordid findings in a bound report. The report is currently ranked 74th on Amazon.com but made its debut at Number 1 -- yes, Representative Fred Hill pre-ordered several copies -- at the Richardson Barnes & Noble.

You'll have to hit the Newsweek Magazine link above for more details, but one allegation involved a "chocolate tampon." If you happen to know what that is, please do NOT share it with Billy Clyde.

One enraged teacher, recounting the Fab Five's litany of unpunished transgressions, complained: "They believe they cannot be touched."

Something tells me they get touched plenty.

UPDATE: Before the Fab Five, there reportedly was a Terrible Two. These McLean, Virginia cheerleaders (Class of '90) apparently did stuff WAY worse than the McKinney chicks. Guess there's a reason they call them the Hustlin' Highlanders.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED SERIAL ADULTERER

2007-01-02T14:16:00.000-05:00

Some obscure New York newspaper got its hands on former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's campaign plan for his maybe-sorta White House bid. You can read the article here, http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/485008p-408347c.html, or just leave the driving to me.

The super-secret document, apparently left by an absent-minded aide at an Iowa Motel Six, drives home two points. Point 1, the campaign should raise huge piles of money. Not a bad idea.

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Number 2, the campaign should figure out a way to deal with Rudy's zipper problems and sleazy business dealings. How to do this? Rudy's brain trust doesn't hasn't a clue -- except they DO have just enough sense to realize that it requires a Texan in charge.

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Once again proving that when a Yankee finds his chestnuts in the fireplace, he always turns to a Texan to pull 'em out.

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The campaign suggests that Houstonian and Mighty Strike Force General Patrick Oxford is the man for the job. The plan appears to be short on details; it just says to tell the UT Regent all about Rudy's strange business stuff and even stranger personal life and let him figure it out.

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I swear, if we Texans hadn't generously agreed to join the Union, the United States of America would be a giant Bangladesh.

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Let's wish Pat all the best in his new endeavor. This is gonna make the battle at The Alamo look like a lazy day on the Riverwalk.

HOT TUB CHARLIE LIVES!

2007-01-01T14:32:00.000-05:00

Billy Clyde has a giant warm place in his giant heart for the man who served as the Congressman for Walker County's Municipal Utility District Number 2, where I spent my formative years.

Some thoughts about The Liberal From Lufkin:

1) Charlie Wilson is the most important person of our lifetime. 2) Communism sucks so CW stopped it. 3) Tom Hanks will never portray Charlie Wilson properly, but damn I can't wait for the movie. 4) People from East Texas (like me and CW) are just better than the idiots from New York or Dallas or Tehran. 5) The Pine Blogger (the jewel of Angelina County) grants us -- free of charge -- the absolute best Christmas/Kwanzaa/New Year's gift we could ever ask for.

It's here at http://www.thepineblog.net/.

My further comments would serve no real purpose. Just read and enjoy.

UPDATE: If Charlie Wilson watched tonight's Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, he would probably agree with me that the Boise State-Oklahoma contest was the best college football game since last year's Rose Bowl, which gave a certain Travis County land grant university a National Championship.

YOU GAVE O.J. A BOOK DEAL BUT SNUBBED ME?!?

2006-12-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

My editor, Judith Regan, phoned to say that I'm in technical violation of my contract. My pop culture-to-politics ratio is heavily titled toward the pop culture side of the equation. Plus, she informs me that I am boring.

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Bitch!

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I would gladly post more stuff about politics, except that I don't know much about it. Not that I know much about pop culture either, although I do know that the talentless skanks in Hollywood who for some reason receive star treatment these days don't wear undergarments. That's a fact. And not a bad thing.

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What little I do understand about popular culture is gleaned from reading the LifeStyle section of the newspaper, which today contained a piece about Good Books From 2006. Normally I wouldn't read such nonsense, but one tidbit was written by Karen Olsson, who wrote this year's delightful Austin-based book "Waterloo." It was the best book since Billy Lee Brammer's "The Gay Place" and turned out to be even better than Kinky Friedman's new tome on pigs.

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Billy Clyde has to tread rather gently here, because the Court Order is fairly strict. Suffice to say that Texas' absurdly Draconian stalking law makes it difficult for me to express my undying love for Karen, the most hottest, most smoking babe on the planet. When I fell this way for Madeline Stowe, Andie McDowell and Julianne Moore, I ended up spending 19 days in jail. So I try to be careful these days.

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In a rather strange twist, Govenor Rick Perry (see Judith, I'm talking politics, you hobag) gave state employees the day off on Tuesday on account that Gerald Ford died. Not sure I see the linkage, but hooey for you state employees out there. Wasn't like we had any meetings or conference calls scheduled with you dedicated worker-bees on Tuesday anyway.

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Please be safe out there tonight. Do not drive while under the influence, and remain at least 500 feet away from any person who has an active restraining order against you. It's just plain common sense.

LIVE BLOGGING FROM BANDERA

2006-12-30T21:50:00.000-05:00

Some people celebrate New Year's Eve on New Year's Eve.

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Not me.

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As I my dress myself (yes, I can do it) for the party down in the honky-tonk/disco/dance hall below, Billy Clyde asks: (1) Why the hell am I in a hotel (really a motel) in Bandera? and ; (2) Why am I celebrating our newly arrived year a day earlier than generally accepted accounting principles permit?

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The first question is perplexing, but the answer can probably be found in the fact that I agreed to this on Wednesday and never thought it would come to fruition. Wednesday and Saturday are a long way apart, and shit changes. But not this time.

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The second question is a matter of law. The attractive and generous souls at the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission make bars in most counties shut down at midnight -- except for Saturday, when they can let patrons party 'till one in the A.M. That means our hotel (motel) can't ring in the New Year tomorrow, because they gotta close.

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So I'm gonna sing, like I don't need the money. Love, like I''ll never be hurt. I'm gonna dance, dance, dance, like no one is watching. And in the morning, I'll have an omelet, because omelets are tasty.

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UPDATE: Turns out the diner doesn't serve omelets. But the Huevos Rancheros are splendid.

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UPDATE 2.0: A gentleman named Anonymous wrote me about Afternoon Delight. That's the smash hit from the Starland Vocal Band. Boy, does that bring back memories.

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My first real date was in about 6th grade, and it involved going to the Frank Bowers Coliseum, now called the Bernhard Johnson Coliseum. The football stadium is now the Frank Bowers Stadium. My dad drove us, so parking and heavy petting in the car were not an option. Particularly since the chick turned out to be a lesbian (not that night and not my fault).

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The SVB rocked harder than any Methodist church band (the only rock shows I had personally witnessed at the time) could ever imagine. I saw the Rolling Stones, The Who and Waylan Jennings two years later. They were good, too.

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UPDATE 2.1: I need to retract something. The unnamed above-mentioned chick, Charlene, is not a lesbian. She has told me that many times before. She's a devoted wife and mother, so I don't know why the lesbian thing is stuck in my mind. So sorry.

MEET THE NEW BOSSES; SAME AS THE OLD BOSSES

2006-12-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

If you are an imprisoned Hispanic former elected official, these are your salad days.

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Word arrived a week or so ago that former House member and Attorney General Dan Morales was being sent to a Bexar County halfway house in anticipation of his emancipation. Today's Houston Chronicle informs us that former House member and Houston City Council bigwig Benny Reyes is fast approaching freedom from the Big House.

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Billy Clyde acknowledges that he fell into the Morales trap. The guy has never had a job, was pushed up the ladder his whole life, and yet people like me -- who ran a statewide campaign against him -- never could bring ourselves to really dislike him. As despicable as he is.

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It's interesting to note -- as a huge fan of irony -- that Dan's wife, a former Taylor County stripper, is the classy one in the family. Dan's record-producer brother also went to prison in some hare-brained bribery scheme. Pretty sure he's still in the joint.

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The State Bar of Texas, Texas Supreme Court and SCOTUS all stripped Dan of his lawyer license. But that's okay. He's gonna be an investment banker. Betcha wish he would personally handle your next IPO.

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Benny Reyes is another matter altogether. Benny was maybe the most influential Hispanic politician (yeah, more than you, Henry Cisneros!) in Texas, and he used that influence to generate cash for him and his cronies. That, my brothers and sisters, is economic empowerment.

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Benny says he is working in construction. The guy may be pounding nails today, but he'll own Perry Homes in about two months if history is any indication.

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Billy Clyde welcomes these gentleman back into free society. Go forth and prosper.

THE HOUSE, THE HOUSE, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE

2006-12-30T00:59:00.000-05:00

I talked to three of the four living ex-Speakers today and I must conclude that they are really old. (I hooked up with Rayford Price a few times, but he couldn't work his cell phone.)

Billy Wayne Clayton, Gibson D. Lewis and James E. Laney are all wonderful people. At this time of the year, it's proper to reflect that these wise men have given me so much, and Billy Clyde is grateful. I have rarely asked for stuff from these titans except for maybe the placement of a favored piece of legislation on the front page of the General State Calendar.

I also conversed with several of the Speaker "candidates," and they all were singing from the same songbook. They called me Tom Craddick's "butt boy." Not sure what that means, but my sister tells me that East Texas homophobic rednecks like me should not wear it as a badge of honor. Whatever.

BC likes our former Speakers because they have real common-sense wisdom. Just intuitive stuff, if you ask me.

So I guess the question boils down to this: Should I go to Bandera tomorrow for the New Year's holiday? Or do I really have a choice? And do any of you want to join us?

I RESENT THE ALLIGATOR

2006-12-29T12:21:00.000-05:00

Some stuff you just can't make up.

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The Reverend Jesse Jackson was just interviewed by Alison Stewart (hotter than the Earth's core but fortunately recently married; Billy Clyde prefers married ladies, cuz they have to go home at some point) and he delivered perhaps his best rhyme yet:

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"We lied, then we alibied."

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JJ was talking about Iraq, which is set to have a big-ass execution party this weekend. I hope it's on teevee or YouTube or something. Who doesn't heart watching despots being kilt?

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UPDATE: Saddam Hussein was killed this morning. Seems a little anti-climatic to me.

I LUV GREEN EGGS AND HAM

2006-12-29T01:10:00.000-05:00

Got me an invite this morning for a freshman House member brunch on the day before opening day of what will be Texas' 80th Legislative Session. This is a good thing (not the session, the brunch) because I wouldn't recognize Tan Parker, Ellen Cohen or Brandon Creighton if they broke into my home and slapped me silly.

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Billy Clyde used to make fun of supposed lobbyists who didn't know new members. But in hindsight, that lack of awareness is perfectly understandable. I mean, trying to get to know 20 to 30 new people every other year is rather laborious. Who am I, Superman?

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In the extremely unlikely event that any of these generous public servants ask my take on being a successful freshman, I will offer my tried and true advice: take care of your one or two local issues, kiss your committee chairmen's backside, and maybe participate in a floor debate that stems from work produced by one of your committees. And send flags -- flags that were "flown" over the Capitol -- to people. Lots of people. You simply cannot send out too many flags.

LIFE'S THE PITTS

2006-12-28T19:43:00.000-05:00

Chris Bell lost to Chip Staniswalis, who left the Texas House to enter the Big House. So naturally, Bell ran for Governor.

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Now Jim Pitts, who lost his first House race to Keith Oakley, wants to be promoted to Speaker.

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Seems like some folks are either amazing optimists or just lack the horse-sense gene. Whatever the case, Billy Clyde thinks this Speaker stuff has gotten WAY out of hand. I'd never stand in the way of someone wanting to have a little fun. But people should have fun responsibly.

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(Soon-to-be-former) Appropriations Chairman Pitts threw his bandanna in the ring this afternoon. He told the assembled Capitol wags that neither Speaker Tom Craddick nor the previous insurgent flavor of the day, Representative Brian McCall, had the support to be elected Speaker. Despite Craddick serving up a partial list of his pledges totalling 84. And McCall saying he has even more than Craddick.

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Can't recall anyone ever saying they didn't like Jim Pitts. He just oozes friendliness. But enough is enough. Life's natural harmony is being disturbed by all these twists and turns. Am I the only one with a head rush?

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Billy Clyde, being a non-member of the Texas House, knows that his role should be limited to spectator status. But I can no longer sit idly by and watch this intrafamily bloodletting. So if no one else is willing to step forward, consider this my formal offer to end this national nightmare.

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First, everyone with a notion of seeking the Speakership should get together. Then I envision some lengthy conversations during which these members can hash things out amongst themselves. They all settle on a single candidate, and that person goes on to be elected by acclamation on January 9.

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We are Texans, not Sunni or Shia or Kurdish rebels. Let's act the part.

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UPDATE: A former higher ed lobbyist I ran into tonight at the Erwin Center (Horns Win Again!) suggested that all those interested in the post should agree to just take turns. Maybe two week intervals or something. The only hitch seems to be the living arrangements. McCall, Pitts and Senfronia Thompson are all single; Craddick is married. Plus, the apartment is pretty small. But I appreciate this sorta creative thinking.

WHO'S HOME IN THE HOUSE?

2006-12-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

Strange as it seems, there are people out there who anxiously await Billy Clyde's belly-flop from the high dive of life.

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In particular, they think I'm full of shit as a Christmas turkey in my careful analysis of the so-called Speaker's race. What really puzzles BC is the realization -- gleaned after many phone calls, e-mails and reader comments -- that a large segment of our Capitol family has less than warm and fuzzy feelings toward Speaker Tom Craddick. Got no idea what he did to irritate these usually kind and gentle people. But it's not just my imagination playing tricks on me; Tom is poorly received in certain quarters.

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Former Quorum Report owner and Dallas Morning News editorialist Scott Bennett wrote a lengthy piece about Speaker Craddick and the "race" on his site, http://www.dallasblog.com/. His North Texas sources have hinted that Jody Laubenberg and Ken Paxton are on board with Representative Brian McCall. Scott further speculates that Charlie Geren may be on the McCall team as well. Then you add Patrick Haggerty's comments in the El Paso Times and Tommy Merritt's musings in the Longview News-Journal, and that little voice in your head tells you that maybe something is happening.

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None of those quality Texans has said they are actually voting for McCall. But Brian did get his first public pledge today -- from Pasadena Republican Robert Talton. That is real news. If I were Speaker Craddick, I'd kick the living daylights out of Richard Trabulsi, the TLR idiot who had the nerve to trash Talton (and Todd Smith, Delwin Jones and Bryan Hughes) before several thousand loyal members of the Texas Federation of Republican Women. Mr. T has a very long memory.

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Full disclosure: I became involved in the tort reform movement back in the 1980s, when the pendulum had swung too far in favor of the plaintiffs bar. Since then, the pendulum was swung so far in the opposite direction to make the civil justice system equally unfair. Pigs get fed and hogs get slaughtered. Oink.

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It's also illustrative to note that some truisms (like the pig/hog deal) stand the test of time, to wit: Vote with the conservatives and party with the liberals. This saying has been a Capitol mainstay for half a century, and it remains 100-percent certifiably true today. Trial lawyers are fun; tort reformers are stick-in-the-mud self-important blowhards. That's not just my opinion. It's a proven fact.

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The Speaker explained to me four years ago that it was important for him to aggressively assert himself in his opening session. The New Sheriff In Town deal. Made sense to me, but maybe he took it a smidgen too far.

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Billy Clyde remains unconvinced that there's a Speaker's race. But he would nonetheless counsel the Speaker to tread a tad more gently in the future. I mean, House members are people, too.

Any thoughts?

UPDATE: The Dick Tribulsi Fan Club has chastised BC for his alleged transgressions. Although the DTFC won't say what those transgressions are. I didn't attend the speech, but everyone I know who was there says that Dick did the talking. Maybe they meant Dick Weekly. Who knows?

If Dick Tribulsi didn't alert the ladies in red that Talton, Hughes, Jones and Smith were open minded and susceptible to voting their conscience, BC will offer a giant-ass apology. I would note that Talton, Hughes, Jones and Smith are four GOPers who are not supporting Speaker Craddick, so maybe there's something there. You think?

AND THE RACE IS .. (still) OFF

2006-12-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

(editor's note: This is precisely the kind of public adoration I sought when I launched this site last Wednesday. Thank you, little people.)

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Everyone from my college roommate to the publisher of Texas Monthly to the the former First Lady of Texas has remarked (and not in a good way) on my post last week about the (non-existent) Speaker's Race.

Perhaps my English is rusty. Let me be clear and type ... really ... slowly.

First, Billy Clyde is a fan of Brian McCall's. The guy is smart as a whip and has a great dry sense of humor. You don't find funny policy wonks just lying around in the gutter. He's a real state treasure, if you ask me.

Nevertheless, not a single human person has shown me one pledge of support Brian has from another human person who also serves as a member of the Texas House of Representatives. Even Tommy Merritt won't commit publicly, and what the hell has he got to lose!

Billy Clyde's mind drifts back to the fall of 1992, when he was tasked with the duty of providing copious amounts of sandwiches to Pete Laney's key lieutenants, who were busy making calls and seeking faxed pledges from House members and House members-to-be across our fine state. To the untrained eye, it looked like the filming of a sequel to "Mama's House." In reality, it was a well-oiled political machine cobbled together with spare parts and bailing wire.

Laney and then-Representative Jim Rudd were in a neck-and-neck battle, proving once again that the "experts" who predicted the end of the Rural Speaker know as much about a Speaker's Race as a hog knows about Sunday. Laney was from Hale Center, located in the center of Hale County. Rudd hailed from Brownfield (not the big city of Brownwood) located in Terry County. To drive from Laney's front door to Rudd's front door took 38 minutes. But that's a little misleading. In that part of the South Plains, you are allowed to drive 107 miles per hour without drawing the ire of traffic enforcement officials.

For some reason, my mind replays the scene of Dr. Bob Hunter attempting to persuade incoming freshman House Member-to-be Kip Averitt to pledge Laney. Everyone hearts Dr. Bob, but the man has the closing skills of a Remax reject. It was painful yet funny. And sad.

Another fond memory is of former Representative David Counts' attempt to contact former Representative Charles "Goose" Finnell. Counts was in an automobile. The Goose was in an airplane. Counts drove all over the Big Country chasing The Goose's airplane. He never quite caught it, but it gave Representative Counts something to do besides bothering the fine folks at Laney Central.

Anyway, my stubborn ass remains in the "highly skeptical" camp in regards to whether there is or will be a Speaker's Race. McCall has exposed his fanny. But so far, none of his "supporters" have. If Billy Clyde saw Patrick Haggerty, Edmund Kuempel, Craig Eiland and Ken Paxton being quoted by name saying Brian is their man, my mind would change faster than Smarty Jones sprinting down the homestretch.

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But so far, even Jimmy Dunnam and Garnet Coleman are hiding behind the I'm-pledged-to-Ms.-Thompson line of horse manure.

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On the other hand, members like future Governor Patrick Rose, boxing referee Robert Puente (Bobby Bridge for my Spanish-speaking friends) and future Governor's BFF Phil King can't talk enough publicly about the greatness of Speaker Tom Craddick.

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Bill Clyde is a betting man. He would have to do some serious head-scratching to bet against folks like Rose and Puente and King. And he has never bet against Tom Craddick. Ever.

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UPDATE: A loyal reader noted (in the comments section of this informative blog) that Patrick Haggerty, while not declaring, gave a fairly blunt assessment of this mess to his hometown newspaper (http://www.elpasotimes.com/breakingnews/ci4908631). I thought about calling Haggerty today, but I'm scared enough already just mentioning this subject. It's a member-to-member deal, and outsiders and NOT welcome.

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I would like to opine about Haggerty's quotes in the articles regarding vouchers. Billy Clyde doesn't care about the issue, except that he acknowledges that it stirs passion seemingly way out of proportion to the real debate. Must be symbolic or something.

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Anyway, Haggerty's take on the thing has always been that if the state gets involved in any way, shape or form, it will fuck up private schools. Camel's nose under the tent stuff. That, to me, is the most pursuasive argument against vouchers. Pat is a proud product of those nun ladies who run Catholic schools. My little hometown didn't have any private schools. My little hometown also didn't have any Catholics. So my life experience in this field ain't squat.

SQUEAKY FROMME'S DREAM COMES TRUE

2006-12-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

This morning brought us sunny skies, low humidity and the news of the passing of President Gerald R. Ford.

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Billy Clyde ain't gonna write an obit. There are professional writers for that stuff. But I figured I'd share with you some Texas perspective on the man who gave us the WIN (Whip Inflation Now!) pins, a pop culture phenomenon unparalleled except for maybe disco.

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(Yet another Texas angle: President Nixons' first choice to replace Spiro Agnew as veep was Big John Connally. I heard the tape myself at the Nixon Presidential Birthplace, Library and Gift Shop in lovely Yorba Linda, CA. For some reason (milk scandal?) Congressional Democrats made it known they would not support the former Texas Governor to be the man one heartbeat (or resignation) away from the presidency. If those Congresspeople hadn't been so damn obstinate, we would today be mourning the loss of a former House minority leader.)

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When you think about the 1980 Republican National Convention, inevitably the term "Dream Ticket" pops into your head. The brightly attired middle-aged insurance salespersons gathered on the convention floor had visions of an Inauguration dancing in their heads once word spread that former California Governor Ronald Reagan would be running for president with former President Jerry Ford as his running mate. Don't get much better than that.

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What many folks don't know is that a handful of Texas heavy hitters scuttled the Dream Ticket and, in the process, reshaped history for all mankind. Let's review.

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Michael Deaver and Lynn Nofziger came up with the idea of picking Ford for veep. They tasked James Addison Baker III with delivering the offer to the man who actually believed (1) that a lone gunman killed President Kennedy (see Warren Commission Report) and; (2) that Poland was not under Communist Russian hegemony (see presidential debate, 1976).

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Well, turns out Mike and Lynn picked the wrong guy for the job. See, Baker had been campaign chairman for George Herbert Walker Bush, his former doubles partner when the duo won the Houston Tennis Association championship in the mid-1960s. Instead of going to Ford's hotel room and serving up the deal, Baker instead went to Ambassador Bush's room and ratted out the Reagan groupies.

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Bush, now commonly referred to as "41," was none too pleased. See, HE wanted to be picked to be Vice Prez and this Dream Ticket stuff was muddying the waters. So Baker and Bush went to work, using the press and the assembled delegates to pooh-pooh talk of a Ford resurrection. Believe it or not, it worked.

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Deaver and Nofziger were so pissed they couldn't stand it. THEY were the guys who were lionized as the best spinners since, uh, The Spinners. No way were they gonna let these Texas yahoos beat them at their own game.

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Then in stepped another Texan.

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Governor Bill Clements had a foot in all three camps -- Reagan's, Ford's and Bush's. He had served as Deputy Secretary of Defense in the Ford Administration, was close to the Bush clan, and was the newly minted Texas co-chairman of the Reagan campaign. Clements figured out what was going on and become the honest broker in the deal.

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Here's what happened (hold on to your hat!): Clements went to the Reagan dudes and offered his services. He would make the offer to Ford. But if Ford declined, he wanted to then make the offer to Bush. Put simply, either way William C. Clements was gonna be The Man.

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The Reaganites weren't thrilled with the notion. Bush had continued to campaign in the primaries after he was mathematically out of the race and was perhaps the last living, breathing Republican in America to endorse Reagan. But Ronnie himself bought into the Grand Clements Compromise and ordered the irritable Texas drilling contractor to make the deal.

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By this time, Ford had already pretty much talked himself out of accepting the vice presidency. He reportedly garnered the highest speaking fees in the world at that time, and his handicap was approaching single digits. He was also technically registered to vote in California, thereby creating a Constitutional conundrum if a potential Reagan-Ford ticket gave a wit about the Golden State's electoral votes. (Little known true fact: Jimmy Carter was ahead in most polls going into the final weekend. His goofy comments about his daughter Amy reminded the American public that Stagflation Boy was a flaming Georgia goober.)

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Clements, of course, knew all this. He made the formal offer to Ford, who declined. He then went to Bush and made yet another formal offer. People in the room swear that Bush jumped up and down with joy and said he would call Reagan personally to accept. Clements reminded Bush that Reagan didn't return Bush's phone calls -- never had and never would -- and that the Governor would relay the former CIA director's acceptance.

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The Bush camp was pleased as punch -- except for James Addison Baker III, who was still licking his wounds after his 1978 loss to Mark White in the Texas Attorney General's race. The Reaganites tapped Baker to be national campaign manager a few days later, so Baker stopped wound-licking.

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My mind is spinning out of control! What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall during those tumultuous hours.

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Some people (know-nothing dumbasses, mainly) may consider all this political trivia. But think about it. Had James Earl Carter been re-elected, marginal tax rates would not have been lowered, Mr. Gorbachev would not have torn down that wall, air traffic controllers would rule the free world, and Grenada would serve as a nerve center for global thuggery. And don't even get me started about the Falkland Islands!

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As the bumper sticker says, Gee I Miss Governor Clements.

I WOKE UP IN A SoHo DOORWAY, THE POLICEMAN KNEW MY NAME

2006-12-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

The Honorable Lon Burnam from Tarrant County has filed a bill that would restrict the cops' ability to use those Taser stun guns.

I am shocked.

(editors note: Lon Burham is NOT the same member of the House of Representatives as Leo Berman. Although they both serve on the prestigious House Committee on Defense Affairs and State-Federal Relations -- a sorta make-believe committee -- they are not the same person. Lon rants about Ralph Nader being a sell-out; Leo shoots perfectly legally Mexican-Americans and eats them.)

Representative Burnam, who replaced former Representative (and Senator) Doyle Willis, has, to the best of my knowledge, never passed a bill in his decade in the People's Chamber. He is a self-described peace activist. Also a Unitarian. So he fits right in with his colleagues in the Texas House of Representatives.

Anyway, he wants to limit the use of Tasers. Because police use them on suspected criminals and the electric shock is painful. For the record, I DO NOT want to be Tasered. Billy Clyde bets you don't either. But it seems better than the old tried-and-true alternative: Getting your butt shot.

Stop this tomfoolery (or Lonfoolerly)! We are making progress.

It used to be you were beat to death. Or shot. Or hung by a tree. Or shot. Or thrown in a river to drown. Or shot. Now we're down to Tasering, and even that is controversial these days. Maybe our children's children will only get a strong talking-to.

I'm opposed to cracking down on Tasers. This bill should be reported with an unfavorable recommendation, placed on Major State, and defeated 149-1. If Representative Burnam has his feelings hurt, fine. It's better than having someone pop a cap in your ass.

MISCELLANEOUS YET CRITICALLY IMPORTANT STUFF (volume 1)

2006-12-26T20:39:00.000-05:00

*** Did any of you fabulously courteous people receive a ladle for Christmas? And if you did, do you have lots of other perfectly good ladles and really don't need it? If you fit that bill, I will trade you my worthless Christmas gifts for your worthless ladle.

*** My friend Suzi, my neighbor Matt (who has lived there for about 18 months but to whom I've never really talked but now he thinks my crib is teevee-watching central) and I are arguing about whether the guest star on Law and Order on right now this very minute is Jane Krakowski. I say yes, they say no. Billy Clyde loved her on Ally McBeal.

*** Has anyone seen The Good Shepherd?

*** Was I in a daze, or did the Houston Texans look really good last weekend. They blocked and tackled some. Progress.

*** Free media mavens are looking forward to a potential Speaker's Race. If I were in the Capitol Press Corps, I'd call Allan Ritter, Ken Paxton, Edmund Kuempel, Kevin Bailey, Warren Chisum and Craig Eiland. If they are still hitched, there won't be a Speaker's Race.

*** I'm gonna buy two pairs of tasseled loafers (one black, the other burgundy) tomorrow. If this is a mistake, please let me know.

*** I really want a dog. But in fairness to the dog, I need to wait until this summer. Something to look forward to.